#1
Picking up Ibuprofen at the quietly dead ultra market
just because it is “something to do”
is exactly why I won’t do it
is not living
is nothing at all

The car would pollute the air
The fluorescent light is unhealthy
There is no one, nothing to see
And I’d have to agree to your suggestion of going

My neck aches with a vacancy
that “something to do” can’t fill.
But the meds might fix that.

Pretend the chandelier is a disco ball
and the dinette set is a dance floor.
It’ll only be hard to feel alive
in the dining room, dancing.

If these walls could scream, they wouldn’t.
Isn’t that boring?

So I squirm surrounded by their silence,
feeling vulnerability run beneath my skin

“What’s that you’re writing?”
A poem about how much I hate it here
and how much I mean it.
“We live here”
Hear, Hear
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Nov 19, 2008,
#2
Hear, hear!

I kinda like how in the beginning stanzas, you always seem like you're about to tell me the punchline, but quit the joke right before. Normally that would ****ing piss me off, but I think you use it well as a device here.

Not bad, my friend.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Blackdotted. This reminds me of Confessions of a Crap Artist, in the store with his daughter.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Philip K Dick book. One of the characters takes his daughter to the drugstore/grocery and needs to get stuff for his wife and his daughter. This reminds me somewhat of that. I'll expand later
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
hey man. First off I'd like to mention a few things about that second stanza. I'm unsure about what the blunt statements of the opening 2 lines here accomplish. the third line seemed like such a filler to me, and the 4th way too wordy. I thought it brought the read to a pretty iffy state after a strong opening.

Stanzas 4 and 5 particularly reached me as golden. The ending is also pretty strong.

I don't have any other specific complaints. However, despite how much I love the idea in your last stanza, the transition that led there was pretty jumpy. It's a very strong ending, but it comes out of nowhere. Not like a brick that hits you in the face. Something weaker than that and uncomfortable. Something like a poking in the ribs. anyhow, I felt this piece lacked consistence in order to reach it's full potential. I think that the subject/theme/feeling of boredom that you tried to convey is kind of conflictual with the way that you write. You also have a lot of tone/voice changes all throughout. I don't know how you could fix that without major changes, which I wouldn't necessary like to see.

I don't think of this as a bad piece at all, but something(that I tried to point out as best as I could) ticks me off about it.

Hope I've been helpful. If you'd have a few words about my latest (on a willow's branch), I'd love to hear them.

G'day.