#1
It's been seven days since last wednesday (well, will be in thirty minutes) so I feel like I should post again. Should be obvious what this one's about. I figure I'll keep writing poetry until Zack likes something I post. So here, have some goddamn poetry hope you like. real feeling here that I had over a year ago and remembered earlier today. Could be alright. Thank you.
--


My pale/Canary

She always ends
Library quiet
Lays still
Mouths silence
Moans nothing
Breath
Inaudibly slow and
Soundless
Moving chest
Deliberate

And she
Lips
Uncontrollably warm
Sounds
So pretty
My pale
Canary
My string
My finger
My pull

Her mouth’s
Sweet absence
Leaving off
Where my touch began
#2
Stop writing in Word.

"Library quiet" +1

"Inaudibly slow and
Soundless" -5

"And she
Lips
Uncontrollably warm
Sounds" +0

"My string
My finger
My pull" -1

"Her mouth’s
Sweet absence
Leaving off
Where my touch began" +2

End result: -3

I had to find a creative way to say this didn't hit any heartstrings. Nor do I enjoy the stylistic choice here. </honesty>

But I still think highly of you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
I liked your prose. Keep writing anyways.

This didn't anything in me. Moved along well, but never stopped to evoke anything but a "heh." I can't even tell you were feeling something. Just moved along; touch and go. Each word was simply a word in this. No tone developed; no trust of the author; no empathy for the author.

anyways.
#4

already got to yours.

edit: can you explain the "no trust for the author" bit a tid bit just out of curiosity?
and is there really no amount of sinisterness that comes out of this that makes you feel anything towards the narrator? I guess I just can't write Jackass like I used to be able to. oh well.
Last edited by #1 synth at Nov 19, 2008,
#5
I'm going to have to agree. For something so lean, there was a lot of fat to cut out.

Library quiet was a good phrase. Loved that. The description was great. The poem was well written. But it seemed more like an exercise in writing (a good one), than exorcism of anything important. I think there could have been more development of the content. It is all written so nicely, but I felt like there wasn't much else.
#6
I liked a few phrases but I thought there were quite an amount of clumsy repetition. Especially in the first verse. It's not like you have a theme going, but more so like you find 5 different ways to say the same thing.

"she lips" came off as somewhat lazy to me after "she mouths". I guess if I'd read it some other time I could like it though.

my pale
canary
my string

I couldn,t find a decent flow for that stanza, especially that part.

As a whole I like the idea, I think it is lazy though. I'm not worried you'll turn that into something of quality though.
I barely ever ask, but I'd like your opinion on my latest. First link in my sig I believe. The one with only one reply anyway.

I still enjoy reading you.

edit : second link
#7
Quote by dyl

edit: can you explain the "no trust for the author" bit a tid bit just out of curiosity?



I just didn't believe any of the images you were giving me. There was nothing coming out of this that made me think you knew what you were conveying to me; seemed like you were just spewing **** at me. I don't mean this but as an example; sort of like listening to a crazy person ramble for 10 minutes about how they fought back in the 1500's... you listen intently but the whole time you're thiking "he has no idea what the hell he's telling me."

Not exactly that... but you get the idea.
#8
this did nothing for me.

I'm not sure that you did anything wrong (the style wasn't to my tastes, but that doesn't make it "wrong"), but I can't really say that you did anything right.

No hard feelings, of course. You know I love you.

My newest ("praying with fire") needs looking at, but by no means feel obligated. Lord knows I didn't offer much here.

<3
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#9
^ha! I totally forgot that my piece is mimicking you, so a crit would be ironic/just really helpful.
Then again, you'd be assisting your competition, so you might want to give that some thought.

(but what's winning and losing between friends?
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#10
all

the only weird part is that I knew exactly what I wanted to do with this piece, the message I wanted to relay, and I think I executed it very well.

I think it's pretty scary honestly, the piece that is. But oh well.

#11
i'd say a pale brunette that wears pretty conservative dresses and skirts. those are always the best kinds though.

not really super imaginative, but definitely an exercise that proves how clever and interesting your word play is. only parts i didn't like were 'so pretty' and the 'my my my' part. kinda loosened up the feel of the piece, everything else is kinda stellar.
#12
Well, I liked it.
I don't think there's quite enough meat to tie it together as poetry, though.
I could really bloody see this as song lyrics, though. Proper good song lyrics. Sorry, I know how annoying that sounds. The bit I didn't like was the switch in 'and she lips'. Doesn't work with the smoothness of the rest.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!