#1
and birds flying
like SnoCaps above me.
a tense shopping center
and all of southern california calling.

blonde and blue.
remember you and i
trading pasta dishes,
full of Absolut.
swallowing candy bars.
clementine skylines spent
on artificial sugars
and saturated fats.

maybe not red wine
and rehearsed lines.
valentines.
but, with wet bangs you told me
as i laid cold
and shaken.

reflecting on:
how many times i have swore to never need Mark Kozelek again.
yet, here i am
poised dirty in memorized lyrics
saying "never, never again."

though in the disarray of hand holds
and goodbye kisses
i realize "Chinese Democracy" might actually come out.
#2
As many views as mine?
This deserves so many more comments..

Loved it.
You made me feel like I was on top of a building, watching a sunset. And like I was there through all of this. I loved the Sun Kil Moon part.

But I guess I missed the cute title/last stanza joke. I didn't really like the Guns n' Roses part. I'm pretty sure I understand it, but maybe I don't get it like I'm supposed to.

Thanks for sharing man.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
Great flow, had a certain something to the lyrics that wasn't exactly there, but you could feel it, which makes it . Nice imagery too, nice stuff!
Listen to The Beatles, Pink Floyd, or whatever you want to listen to.
Dreams/Celestial Voyager (My Band's recording )
Live at Pompeii

Put this in your signature if you think coalition governments in democratic societies are f*cking retarded.
#5
"reflecting on:" Doesn't really need a colon here, as you don't really make a list. I suggest leaving it un-punctuated.

The last line, it worked, but I personally hated it. I was reading it and it all built up to the final bombshell... and... that's it? It felt all too little, too weak, for what you built up for. I felt that you didn't have the confidence in your piece, and so finished with a joke.

But I am generally disapproving of this whole Chinese Democracy (does that need to be in quotation marks?) mess, so that is probably just personal to me.


Apart from those two, the rest was just fantastic.
#8
I like the idea a lot but I just don't like the connotation (I don't think that's the right word) that 'guns n roses' and 'chinese democracy' have. Those names/terms in general just don't fit the rest of this. Really enjoyed this, no other complaints. Loved it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#9
i liked it, you're one of the people who i've always looked up too in terms of quality and flow, this was a great idea, executed greatly.

good job broseph.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#10
this was goddamn beautiful.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.