#1
Hey I'm new to ultimate guitar and I'm really into the whole writing scene, whether it be lyrics or guitar songs. Anyway I just jotted this down yesterday and I kind of like it, I was hoping to get an opnion on it.

'Cause your the last thing that I think of as I'm falling asleep
And the first thing on my mind when my alarm clock rings
Don't ever get behind, just keep your head held high
'Cause the weekdays are just a break between our Friday nights


I'll take you out,
But remember to forget our maps/
And we'll head down,
This overgrown forgot about path/

Let's spend some time,
With stress left behind our backs/
Imagine what we'll find,
With our eyes clear of yesterday's past/

'Cause I see you gripping, but your slipping
Your life is choking you to death/
So my friend just listen, and forget them
And slowly take three deep breaths/

And you remember, we were meant for
More than corporate success/
'Cause our true meaning, is the feeling
Of my heart be against your chest

Thanks guys, ADVICE IS WELCOME AND ENCOURAGED!!

note: I changed the title, and hope i can recieve criticism now
#3
thanks! what do you think the point of the song was? I want to see if i portrayed it well enough
#4
Quote by aceofclubs52


'Cause your the last thing that I think of as I'm falling asleep
And the first thing on my mind when my alarm clock rings
Don't ever get behind, just keep your head held high
'Cause the weekdays are just a break between our Friday nights
Brilliant, but not really coherent with the rest of the piece.

I'll take you out,
But remember to forget your maps
You, then our? That says that you are taking someone out, yet they are someone who you share possessions with. Doesn't work. However, if you say your maps, then you suggest he/she is a control freak.
And we'll head down,
This overgrown, forgotten about path
The path has been forgotten about, not forgot about. Apart from that, good.


Let's spend some time,
With stress left behind our backs
Imagine what we'll find,
With our eyes clear of yesterday's past
The last line felt too long, too drawn out. Try shortening it, yet still keep the meaning. Great verse.

'Cause I see you gripping, but your'e slipping
This life is choking you to death
Didn't like the repetition of "You" in the first two lines here.
So my friend just listen, and forget them
And slowly take three deep breaths
Good.

And you remember, we were meant for
More than corporate success
'Cause our true meaning, is the feeling
Of my heart be against your chest
Ahh! You ruined it! "The feeling of my heart be against"? So nearly good.


Why the /'s at the end of lines?
#5
sweet thank you.

yeah the "/"s were cuz I'm used to seeing song lyrics like that, its a habit to recognize order and rhyme in the lyrics

anyway, the first part was actually not part of the rest of the song. i'm talking about the section with "cause the weekdays are just a break between our friday nights". i threw that in there for fun and to see a reaction


aside from that, the line "the feeling of my heart beat against your chest", did you not like that because it was cliche? I think it was a tad cliche but it gives the unique image of a person holding another person so close that they can feel each others hearts beating. That doesn't seem to be too cliche.