#1
This is a fictitious song. Not based on true events, although it's possible that it has happened before. So, I don't know.
The moral of this song is that if you love somebody, tell them.

Beautiful Tragedy

Verse 1-
Zachary was, just a normal guy
But yesterday, committed suicide
He was loved...
But he didn't know...

Verse 2-
He thought he was, alone in this world.
The feelings he had, he couldn't ignore.
So he took his life...
If only he'd known.

Verse 3-
His friends they loved him, but they didn't show.
Too late now, they just didn't know.
That he was dying inside...
But it goes to show.

Chorus-
Actions speak louder than words.
And words mean everything.
It's a shame that he didn't know they cared.
He couldn't push his life forward
To her, his life was everything,
When he took his life, he took hers too.

<solo>

Verse 4-
Taylor was, a normal girl
Zachary's life, she lived for.
Now he's gone...
And she feels no more.

Verse 5-
She would laugh with him, she would cry for him,
She would take his hand before.
But now it's gone...
And she has no more...

Chorus-
Actions speak louder than words.
And words mean everything.
It's a shame that he didn't know they cared.
He couldn't push his life forward
To her, his life was everything,
When he took his life, he took hers too.

Outro-(fade out)
If only he'd known
If only they'd shown
If only he'd known
If only they' shown
<repeated until end with guitar solo>
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#2
Very good. I really like the chorus. Maybe I'll come back later with a full crit, but really, no stand out errors.
#3
Quote by SGstriker
This is a fictitious song. Not based on true events, although it's possible that it has happened before. So, I don't know.
The moral of this song is that if you love somebody, tell them.

Beautiful Tragedy

Verse 1-
Zachary was, just a normal guy
But yesterday, committed suicide
He was loved...
But he didn't know...

Suicide is a very emotional topic and I think you could have portrayed it in a less direct way, using more imagery and less literal words. Like, reword it so you don't have to say suicide and whatnot. You could go deeper.

Verse 2-
He thought he was, alone in this world.
The feelings he had, he couldn't ignore.
So he took his life...
If only he'd known.

The rhythm seems choppy. Too many commas is inhibiting the flow for me right now.
I still want to keep reading, hoping you go deeper into the meaning of the song. Your lyrics are very on the surface right now.

Verse 3-
His friends they loved him, but they didn't show.
Too late now, they just didn't know.
That he was dying inside...
But it goes to show.

Get rid of the they. This is definitely something people can relate to... the regret they feel once something is over and done with. However.... rhyming show with know and then show again? This pattern is inconsistent with the rest of the song.

Chorus-
Actions speak louder than words.
And words mean everything.
It's a shame that he didn't know they cared.
He couldn't push his life forward
To her, his life was everything,
When he took his life, he took hers too.

I sort your use of "everything" twice. But "actions speak louder than words" is pretty cliche. It works though.

<solo>

Verse 4-
Taylor was, a normal girl
Zachary's life, she lived for.
Now he's gone...
And she feels no more.

Hmmm I don't like the repeated normal. I dunno man whats really not working for me is your rhyming pattern. Personally im not big on tons of rhyming, I think it screws witht eh natural flow of the song because each line is short you know?

Verse 5-
She would laugh with him, she would cry for him,
She would take his hand before.
But now it's gone...
And she has no more...

So was she one of the ones telling Zach he was loved? Thats what it seems like, but the chorus contradicts this. Maybe you could show a bit more of Taylor's regret.

Chorus-
Actions speak louder than words.
And words mean everything.
It's a shame that he didn't know they cared.
He couldn't push his life forward
To her, his life was everything,
When he took his life, he took hers too.

Outro-(fade out)
If only he'd known
If only they'd shown
If only he'd known
If only they' shown

Meh, okay outro, not very original, but it works.
<repeated until end with guitar solo>


Sorry if that seems a little harsh man. Basically I think that your words didn;t scratch the surface of a very deep and emotional topic. I like the story you've got going on here, but I think that you could word it more meaningfully.
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#4
Too direct and obvious, and also kind of emo

EDIT : There's already a song named like that
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kudos.
Last edited by blindfatkid23 at Nov 22, 2008,
#5
Delve deeper. Read something besides lit class poetry and short stories.

Feels like band mates went: "Hay! rite me su mlyrix plz."

Honest.
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#6
Thanks for all of the crits.
Yeah, I wrote this in a short amount of time.
As for it being emo...well, that's your opinion...it's meant to sound 80s rock-ballad-ish though...so, uh...yeah.

I'll work on it though.
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Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst