#1
ignore the idiotic title. ots. c4c.

"eulogy for a beach bunny"
(fonzie jumps the shark pt. II)

ceiling of pale blue,
casting shallow light and slick hues.
everything shines for a little while.
it was as if the pockmarked postcard
had swallowed the whole world in its
tired little sigh of joy.
"see the way the shore is never short on waves?
that's god telling us, 'the tide will always be there
to wash our footprints away'. isn't that beautiful?"
i'd liked the steps the way they were,
the tentative stumbles of the unsteady child.
progress, leaves nothing to chance.
crawl, sit, stand, you'll still be alone on the cold, wet sand.
and everything you love will rest on the pale blue ceiling,
just above your hands. but the tide has washed certainty away,
so i will stand and fall, a dream-drenched giant, who still feels small.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Nov 21, 2008,
#2
brilliant. I'll come back later and hit you up with a full crit if i can pick anything
#4
This is great. Original, deep and well put. Of course don't forget capitalisation...!

Few notes: "Pockmarked postcard" is a tongue-twister and if this is a song it's likely to be stumbled over. I liked the litle twist at "I'd liked the steps the way they were". And the "cold, wet sand" line- my favourite.
The two internal rhymes kind of confused me, they were good in themselves but seem a little detached from the rest of the piece.

Great work.
#5
I ****ing love you man.

Has the flow the gods wish they could write like; that I wish I could mimic..

Your writing really is something else man.

It connects so well with me and is so well written, I can reread this again a week later and get a completely new high from this, an entire perspective reborn. You truly are a poet. Thank you for sharing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
this is fantastic!
oddly enough, my favorite part might be the title, im a sucker for pop culture references.

i think the best line(s) in the whole thing is the part in quotation marks, really steller.
but the last line is a VERY close 2nd.

overall, fantastic. great job.

c4c, in sig...
Im sure a savior's born every day, they just learn to stop caring before anybody gets saved.

19
#10
I never get bored with your stuff. It's always so pretty and refreshing. This was one of your better ones. Well deserved wotw. Love that you are posting more.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me