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#1
i'm bored, and no doubt many Pit lurkers are, so how about a thread for your metal-related jokes?

i'll start

my friend once put up a poster saying: "(eye picture)(heart picture)(sumo picture) (steel plank picture)

translation: I love heavy metal.
#2
*waits for punchline*
Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#3
the genre itself is a joke.

ZING

Quote by metacarpi
*waits for punchline*


good timing sir.
yo.

I BELIEVE
#4
this thread won't work, even if someone tells some funny jokes, some metal fanboys will come in here and start bitching, thus pretty much derailing the whole thread.
make Industrial and/or experimental electronic music? Join my group!

Last.fm
#5
Quote by Teh Traineez0rz
the genre itself is a joke.

ZING


good timing sir.



troll? please be a troll... and not serious
#7
I like plastic.


oh and wood's a fine creature right there.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#8
How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?

Put sheet music in front of him.


(Yeah I know, lame. Don't rape and eat me guys)
#9
Wow, that doesn't even vaguely resemble a joke.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#11
Quote by x_thurston_x
How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?

Put sheet music in front of him.


(Yeah I know, lame. Don't rape and eat me guys)


*eats and rapes*
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#12
Quote by Teh Traineez0rz
good timing sir.


Why thank you my good man.
Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#13
i didn't create this, but i thought it was funny.

MASTERED BY MUPPETS

End of session day, Rubin works away:
I'm your source of song-destruction
Tunes that hurt you ear, poor sound engineer
Leaving spikes on my instruction
Trust me you will see
Volume's all you need
Dedicated to
How I'll limit you

Compressing faster
Limit your Master
Your albums sell faster
With a loud Master
Master

Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams
Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes
Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing…
Just peaking snares, and auto-tuned screams
Mastered
Mastered
Rubin's my name, and I'll hear you scream
Bastard

Bastard

Need to mix this way, never you dismay
"Loud" makes death magnetic clearer
Gain monopoly, ritual Waves L3
Squash your tracks til it's severe
Gate and you will see
More and more dB
Dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Compressing faster
Limit your Master
Your albums sell faster
With a loud Master
Master

Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams
Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes
Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing…
Just peaking snares, and auto-tuned screams
Mastered
Mastered
Rubin's my name, and I'll hear you scream
Bastard

Bastard

Master, Master, where's the version I've been after?
Bearded, Bastard, you promised only lies
Blaster, Blaster, recorded on a ghetto blaster?
Laughter, laughter, laughing at those highs
Peak to me!


Lars ain't worth all that – "natural" kick and hats
Kirk adds wah without a reason
Never ending phrase, Jaymz goes on for days
Rob, your shirt is out of season…
I'll record til 5 (then)
I will help you buy
Sandals that suit you
Now you look cool too
My Musical attempts

My youtube music channel

Quote by TOMMYB22
Dammit, beaten to it, and by someone with the same name

CURSE YOU TOMMYT!!!!!!!!!!!!


Quote by daeqwon10000
I hate tommyt and the high horse which he rides upon
#14
Quote by Laces Out Danny
*eats and rapes*


Damn you and your fancy forks! Should have never given that shit to you.
#15
This kid wearing a welder's mask is running down the street when a car pulls up and the guy inside says 'Hey kid, if you give me a blow job, I'll give you a big bag of sweeties'
The kid turns around, raises his welding mask and says. 'I'm not really a welder y'know!'
#16
Quote by tommyt
i didn't create this, but i thought it was funny.

MASTERED BY MUPPETS

End of session day, Rubin works away:
I'm your source of song-destruction
Tunes that hurt you ear, poor sound engineer
Leaving spikes on my instruction
Trust me you will see
Volume's all you need
Dedicated to
How I'll limit you

Compressing faster
Limit your Master
Your albums sell faster
With a loud Master
Master

Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams
Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes
Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing…
Just peaking snares, and auto-tuned screams
Mastered
Mastered
Rubin's my name, and I'll hear you scream
Bastard

Bastard

Need to mix this way, never you dismay
"Loud" makes death magnetic clearer
Gain monopoly, ritual Waves L3
Squash your tracks til it's severe
Gate and you will see
More and more dB
Dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Compressing faster
Limit your Master
Your albums sell faster
With a loud Master
Master

Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams
Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes
Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing…
Just peaking snares, and auto-tuned screams
Mastered
Mastered
Rubin's my name, and I'll hear you scream
Bastard

Bastard

Master, Master, where's the version I've been after?
Bearded, Bastard, you promised only lies
Blaster, Blaster, recorded on a ghetto blaster?
Laughter, laughter, laughing at those highs
Peak to me!


Lars ain't worth all that – "natural" kick and hats
Kirk adds wah without a reason
Never ending phrase, Jaymz goes on for days
Rob, your shirt is out of season…
I'll record til 5 (then)
I will help you buy
Sandals that suit you
Now you look cool too


haha

That made my day.
I love DM, but still, that's awesome!
#18
Quote by x_thurston_x
How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?

Put sheet music in front of him.

Wow, can you say stereotype?

My tastes are almost exclusively metal, but I can still read sheet music without any problems.


Also:

The biggest joke in metal.

Manowar.

Quote by imdeth
This man deserves my +1

+1

Quote by denizenz
Go in peace my son, and teach to the pit dwellers what I have shown unto you.


ಠ_ಠ


XBL: huffy409
Last edited by [x]Huffy[x] at Nov 21, 2008,
#19
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']Wow, can you say stereotype?

My tastes are almost exclusively metal, but I can still read sheet music without any problems.

Yeah well I can play Mary Had A Little Lamb as well.
#22
Quote by Jackolas
Yeah well I can play Mary Had A Little Lamb as well.





Seriously, I like metal and I can play 'Orion' from sheet.


Being a bassist FTW!
#23
Quote by Fassa Albrecht


Seriously, I like metal and I can play 'Orion' from sheet.


Being a bassist FTW!

..And then you remember that unless you're playing Orion, everyone ignores you.

Being a guitarist FTW!
Quote by imdeth
This man deserves my +1

+1

Quote by denizenz
Go in peace my son, and teach to the pit dwellers what I have shown unto you.


ಠ_ಠ


XBL: huffy409
#24
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']Wow, can you say stereotype?

My tastes are almost exclusively metal, but I can still read sheet music without any problems.



See I knew that was going to happen, most jokes of this sort are based on stereotypes, stereotypes are funny, that one wasn't funny, but just because it's lame and overused.
make Industrial and/or experimental electronic music? Join my group!

Last.fm
#25
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']..And then you remember that unless you're playing Orion, everyone ignores you.

Being a guitarist FTW!


Which is why I'm my band's drummer!


#26
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
Which is why I'm my band's drummer!




Which is a step down from bassist.

Congratulations!

Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#28
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
Which is why I'm my band's drummer!



Oh God.

*Reaches into extensive pile of terrible drummer jokes*

• How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of their mouth.

• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

• Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me either.

• How do you get a drummer to play quieter?
Put a chart in front of him

• Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

• What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.
Quote by imdeth
This man deserves my +1

+1

Quote by denizenz
Go in peace my son, and teach to the pit dwellers what I have shown unto you.


ಠ_ಠ


XBL: huffy409
Last edited by [x]Huffy[x] at Nov 21, 2008,
#29
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']Wow, can you say stereotype?

My tastes are almost exclusively metal, but I can still read sheet music without any problems.



That's usually what a joke is my friend. Based on some stereotype.

Wasn't even my joke. I jacked it from Google thank you very much.
#30
drummer joke

Q: Did you hear about the heavy metal player who locked his keys in the car?

A: He had to break the window to let the drummer out
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
Afterwards I said to her "Why did you blitz my asshole like that?"


#31
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
Mike Portnoy anyone? Lars Ullrich?




You missed Brann Dailor.

For shame!

Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#33
Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
Afterwards I said to her "Why did you blitz my asshole like that?"


#34
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']Oh God.

*Reaches into extensive pile of terrible drummer jokes*

• How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of their mouth.

• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

• Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me either.

• How do you get a drummer to play quieter?
Put a chart in front of him

• Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

• What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.

(Kid) 'Daddy daddy, when I grow up, I want to be a guitarist.'
(Dad) 'Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both!'


Guitarist up in front of the Judge, for wife beating.
(Judge) “First offender?”
(Guitarist) “Yessir, then I whupped her with my Gibson, finally drew blood with a Rickenbacker!
#35
Quote by carbonchemicals
Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Alex Lifeson would have done it.


Fixed

Quote by lefthandman9876
what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

homeless



Not funny!

Quote by metacarpi
You missed Brann Dailor.

For shame!



Oops...my bad!
#36
the easiest way to piss off any metal head:

*metalcore band here* ****ING RULE! HORNS UP!
#37
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']
• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep good time and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

.

Mine slept with my girlfriend and then it got addicted to heroin and kept hitting me up for money
make Industrial and/or experimental electronic music? Join my group!

Last.fm
#38
Quote by tommyt
i didn't create this, but i thought it was funny.

MASTERED BY MUPPETS

End of session day, Rubin works away:
I'm your source of song-destruction
Tunes that hurt you ear, poor sound engineer
Leaving spikes on my instruction
Trust me you will see
Volume's all you need
Dedicated to
How I'll limit you

Compressing faster
Limit your Master
Your albums sell faster
With a loud Master
Master

Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams
Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes
Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing…
Just peaking snares, and auto-tuned screams
Mastered
Mastered
Rubin's my name, and I'll hear you scream
Bastard

Bastard

Need to mix this way, never you dismay
"Loud" makes death magnetic clearer
Gain monopoly, ritual Waves L3
Squash your tracks til it's severe
Gate and you will see
More and more dB
Dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Compressing faster
Limit your Master
Your albums sell faster
With a loud Master
Master

Mastered by muppets, brickwalling your dreams
Clipping, distorting and smashing extremes
Ruined by me, you can't hear a thing…
Just peaking snares, and auto-tuned screams
Mastered
Mastered
Rubin's my name, and I'll hear you scream
Bastard

Bastard

Master, Master, where's the version I've been after?
Bearded, Bastard, you promised only lies
Blaster, Blaster, recorded on a ghetto blaster?
Laughter, laughter, laughing at those highs
Peak to me!


Lars ain't worth all that – "natural" kick and hats
Kirk adds wah without a reason
Never ending phrase, Jaymz goes on for days
Rob, your shirt is out of season…
I'll record til 5 (then)
I will help you buy
Sandals that suit you
Now you look cool too


haha

Brilliant! One day I hope to record that version
#39
How do you get two guitarists to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a guitarist and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a guitarist.

What's the difference between a guitar and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they both suck.
#40
I seem to remember someone making a thread called "why are metal people so angry?" and i think someone replied with something along the lines of "because they can't move due to the fact that they are made of metal"
WHOMP

Think of that next time you are not allowed to laugh.
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