#1
First off, the same ole' excuses. It's not editted. Wrote it in an hour. It's not ready yet. Blah blah blah. The lasts line is an inside joke, sorta. Crits will be returned if you remind me.

Tis the season to be somebody.
The time of year when
the boys and girls of college
step off their clouds to
visit mothers and eat turkey
and give thanks for their wonderful young bodies.
I watch as my cousin weaves a tale
of fighting fires and
saving women in distress
with the flames nipping at his heels.

My other cousin Josh,
he works in a jailhouse on security detail.
He tells us about how the inmates
fight the guards with broken glass.
He turns his head and shows the scar.

Even my cousin Scottie has a leg up on me.
He's whipped as fuck, giving in
to whoever shows him second base.
I want to tell him he's crazy, but
I'd rather be whipped than lonely.
He's only a year away from getting his masters.

Meanwhile, all I can think about
is how to beat Psycho Mantis.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Nov 21, 2008,
#2
Not bad, but nothing amazing. I can kind of relate to what you're saying though. If you'll do crit4crit, pick one from my sig.
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
Very good, yet you're right, inside jokes don't really work.


I guess I'll spoil it then. Psycho Mantis is a boss from a videogame.
#5
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I guess I'll spoil it then. Psycho Mantis is a boss from a videogame.



I understood that (Metal Gear Solid... I think).

Is that it?

I assumed the inside joke would have been what "beating psycho mantis" means to you, your friends, family etc.
#6
I like this. It's something everyone can relate to in some way, and you phrase things quite well such as "weaves a tale". As always I like poems to be clearly structured, which is one thing I'll highlight your poem lacks. It's got a bit of a stunted flow with enjambment, which may or may not be intentional- but is quite effective in this piece.

Good job.
#7
It wasn't really meant to be structured, more freeform. There are still moments of "enjambment" though. Thanks for the observation.

Ginja:
Yes, it's metal gear solid. I wanted to put a sharp contrast between my focus and theirs. They get careers, I play videogames. I said it's an inside joke because I figured nobody knew what I was talking about.
#8
Quote by Ninjamonkey767

Ginja:
Yes, it's metal gear solid. I wanted to put a sharp contrast between my focus and theirs. They get careers, I play videogames. I said it's an inside joke because I figured nobody knew what I was talking about.


Oh okay, I was overcomplicating things then. Great job.
#9
the main thing i enjoy about this piece is how relateable it is. i think a majority of people get what you mean with the whole family competition thing.
however, im not a big fan of the rhyme scheme, or lack there of. i understand its free versre, but ehh, im not too big on it.
on the whole, id say its solid, but a little rough around the edges.

c4c, in my sig...
Im sure a savior's born every day, they just learn to stop caring before anybody gets saved.

19
#10
I liked it man.

"He's only a year away from getting his masters." Seemingly useless line in that stanza, however.

--

"SO! YOU LIKE CASTLEVANIA!"
"Hmm! You've not saved often!"

Psycho Mantis is probably the gayest boss fight..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
I think that if you're going to name two of your cousins, you should name the other.

Otherwise, I thought this was really nice, but it progressively lost me. That first line, I loved. Then it progressed in to gaming territory and I realised that, no, I just couldn't connect I think since it started out so openly, the overall, it progressing so quickly in to what the character thinks without opening a connection with that character other than who their cousins are, it doesn't entirely work.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
This was good. Quite faultless and very much enjoyable and appreciative to read.

I'm afraid for me, this is something that I will have to leave to the professionals to really say something useful.
Actually, Katherine had most of my thoughts down - even though it reads very confusingly - so listen to her my dear friend, she knows more than every man that ever graced this place of postery...

BTW, I just got back from an Assembly and there was this girl there and I didn't say hello to her. I can't excatly go around to all the congregations in my district just to find her and I won't see her again until next Spring... why do I do this all the time?!
#13
Everyone thanks for the crits. Effort will be made to return them before 2011

Dan: Ha, I see what you did there . I did thanksgiving as a ficticious backdrop, though the characters themselves are real. I was wondering what you'd say.

Katherine: I thought I named the third, but I must've taken it out. His name is Kevin, so I guess I took it out because "cousin Kevin" sounded silly when put in that line. I don't know.