#1
c4c. etc.

I wore my new shirt today;
the one grandma got me with the
flamboyantly coloured Ernie and Bert
across the chest.

As I walked across campus
people would slow down
and stare at my shirt blankly
(flakes of snow flitting in
their eyelashes), until a small, stupid
grin would stretch across their faces.
I could see The Count in their eyes,
he was counting the macaroni that mom
had just given them for lunch.
I could hear big bird screeching about the
number three.
They'd just keep staring at my chest,
reminiscing.

I wonder if this is how girls with big tits feel?
#3
Oh, oh, that last line was pure class. THat was fantastic, made the whole thing worthwile.

But anyway, this is even better than your last one, you've really got on a roll again. The first stanza was a great set up, made me wonder where on earth this was going to. Then the second stanza was really clever, an interesting way of looking at a rather boring everyday occurance. And of course, the last line was just unbelievable. Reminded me of something I'd write, that real wry, dry humour.

I might come back later and hit you up again if i find any other stuff. Cheers!
#6
Quote by ZanasCross

I could see The Count in their eyes,
he was counting the macaroni that mom
had just given them for lunch.
I could hear big bird screeching about the
number three.


I don't like this bit. It doesn't seem related, and doesn't really make me think of anything. Moreso, it seems to focus on Sesame Street a little too much, without really doing any reminiscing.

That last line was the typical humor I'd see from you, and it definitely tied the piece together. Almost too much, in fact. It makes it seem like everything else was just buildup to that, in which case the above quote definitely doesn't do good.

Meh, not much of a crit, but that's all me gots. Decent work.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Nov 21, 2008,
#7
S1: Amazing. "Flamboyantly," ha ha.

S2: Amazing.

S3: ..

As a whole, I'm not sure if that last line ruins the piece or not. I loved it, and that line just flipped my car on the turn and smashed it against a tree.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
It's hilarious. First time I didn't read it to the end but the second time I did. It's killer.
#9
Quote by culex-knight


As a whole, I'm not sure if that last line ruins the piece or not. I loved it, and that line just flipped my car on the turn and smashed it against a tree.


lol. Good. The point was to draw a complete irony from the happy past to how the real world is. It's all true... but that was the conclusion I wanted for this.


Thanks everyone.
#10
And you say you have trouble feeling emotions, eh.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
Well, Ben has already outlined my thoughts very accurately. But there is one thing he mentioned that I cannot, and that's how he noticed the last line tying everything in together - as did everyone else - and therefore, I must be the only person here who just simply does not understand this at all. Yes? Yes.
I know you were looking for an honest helpful opinion here, but I failed you (well it is honest, it's just pointlessly so - like telling a three year old their painting of a dog sucks)

What made this incredibly hard to decipher is the awkward flow and varying ideas meshed together, and also what I perceived as the many metaphors lying seemingly dormant in this (I don't even know if they are or not) The problem that I have concocted here is that every word and nuance in the piece is either essential, or just waffle (there is nothing wrong with either - it builds tension and character) and when you combine the two methods of approach, I find myself really struggling to grasp into the nitty grittiness of it, only seeing random lines that have only one relation: and that's to themselves; connected with the others, they just seem overtly confusing and random.

This is not a quick first glance opinion; I have read this over loads of times the last four days - hence the speed of my decision - and I still can't fathom what it is you are referring to.
The first verse is good, but then I become engulfed in a bemused idea in the section bracketed, and also this "Count" business. I know I'm ignorant and stupid, but I've always found meanings difficult to imagine in poetry - it's why I failed English while still clearly being the best at it -
I really should pick up on the Sesame Street idea as I, like many lads and lassies, often watched it on the tele, but I didn't. Everything in this - and I mean everything - went straight over my head and landed in a big bloody ditch.

Just to say that I much preferred your previous piece; It was more straight and less metaphorical (to me, anyway)

Digitally Clean
#13
this is quality.

like a piece of well formed standup.

not really any criticisms to level at this other than i dont think the parenthesis work. seems to me like an excuse to cram in a snowy setting and it draws attention to the alliteration, which stands out like a sore and corny thumb against the style of the rest of it..
also, very very minor point, but small grins dont have very far to stretch across a face.

other than that, this was just brilliant.
like i said, its like a masterful piece of standup. theres no hint that its going to about turn and take you in a completely different direction until its too late.

nice one.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#15
I thought this was clever, and well done. It read pretty well and the image is great but it was one of those that I enjoyed and admire the thought but I don't think it has impacted me much. More like entertaining exposition than emotionally affecting. Still, I always like to hear your thoughts on things, so I have no problem with it being so.

Nicely done.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#16
Nice, I like it. I can't really say "change anything", because it seems too perfect...
#17
the last line was frankly incredible. that's how something like this should end - it makes me have to read the thing again (or listen, if it's a song) which is always a quality you should wish for in your writer.
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