#1
ok i wrote a poem/ song, please tell me what you think of the words/lyrics and what you guys would use it as, because this is the sort of thing that i meant when i was asking whether i should turn my poems into songs or not.


is it a fight for freedom,
when freedom doesn't come?
is it a fight for freedom,
for the good who die young?

to get bloodied and butchered,
torn and tortured,
brocken to beyond a possible cure?
is this really freedom?

when we look behind us,
at the statistics of sadness we see,
war sets nobody free.


thanks guys, and if you can see what influenced this song then....wow
#2
Ok not bad, a little cliche, but not bad execution.

I would definitely use it as a song- chuck some nice chords/riffs into it and there ya go! Make sure also to develop a catchy melody, otherwise it would be a little bland.
Perhaps you could develop the idea with different wording, eg. metaphors or similies... not so straight-forward.

Oh and best line: "...sadness we see, war sets nobody free" yeah that hits the spot. The rest needs work though.

By the way: it's spelt "broken". Don't forget capitalisation also.
#3
Develop it, add extra sections, new bits, because right now it all feels too thin.

Develop it, use devices and techniques such as similes to get across points with more vivid imagery and descriptions.

Stanza 2, Line 3, broken not brocken.
Remember capitalization.


EDIT: And on the subject of poem v. song, don't let anyone tell you what to do. If you think that it will work as a song, then do that. If you would rather have it as a written piece, do that.
#4
i think maybe r righjt, ill try adding some mor3 stanza's with more poetic devices (i usually avoid htem to avoid cliches) and ill keep playing round wiht it to see what i cna do. shount be to hard to musicafy because my poems rely pretty much soley on the rhythm of the words to make tyhe,m and i wish i could spell.
#5
its ok, just too usual....there are many songs that are about this, I think.
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