#1
C4C. I'm trying to go for a punkier tone, so my band can actually make use of it. Once I read it over, the rhythm to the verse is kind of like that of Troublemaker by Weezer, and the chorus is similar to the yelling part of Fuck Authority by Pennywise. Other than that look over, I haven't revised it, so sorry if it's a little sloppy; be honest, be harsh.

[Verse 1]
[Upbeat, almost happier tone to it, despite what the lyrics are about]
Watch as what we do,
watch as it takes it's toll,
we're learning nothing new,
we're learning nothing at all.

We're burning all our bridges,
we're burning them to ash.
Our actions are only stitches,
and they will never last.

Our time is running out,
and we're all gonna die.
There really is no doubt,
just the when and the why.

[Chorus]
[Faster, aggressive. Yelled, not screamed]
WE'RE TURNING,
WE'RE BURNING!
AND WHAT,
ARE WE LEARNING?

SO MANY HOW'S,
SO MANY WHY'S,
SO WHEN WILL YOU,
REALIZE....
[Mellow]
.....it's do or die....

[Verse 2]
[Same rhythm and tone as Verse 1]
Let's bring us back from the brink,
let's back up off the edge.
Let's throw in the kitchen sink,
and see if we get off the ledge.

How can you not worry,
do you even care?
Is this the end of the story,
do we just vanish in thin air?

Or do we put up a fight.
and try to make things right;
our attitude just might,
end up being mankinds blight.

[Chorus]
WE'RE TURNING,
WE'RE BURNING!
AND WHAT,
ARE WE LEARNING?

SO MANY HOW'S,
SO MANY WHY'S,
SO WHEN WILL YOU,
REALIZE....

[Bridge]
[Mellow, slow, disjointed]
...it's do or die...
...so let's try....
...to save ourselves...
...let get outta our shells...
...we can't go down...
...we can't just drown...

[Chorus]
WE'RE TURNING,
WE'RE BURNING!
AND WHAT,
ARE WE LEARNING?

SO TELL ME,
IN THE END!
IS IT WORTH IT WHEN WE'RE ALL DEAD?!

[End]
When will we learn?.......
#2
I'm returning the crit to this one because your other ones are too old. Anywho:

It's a little cliche, and the chorus isn't really all that great. "Turning" doesn't really say much, and "what are we learning" doesn't say what I think you want it to say. Maybe change the wording a bit.
#3
It's very simple. And as written above cliche. This is one song I'd have to hear, because depending on how it's sung and flows with the music you could comfortably get away with it. Except for the chorus. Didn't like it that much.

But overall it's ok I'd say.
#4
This kind of what I expected people to think; I just started writing punk again, so I wasn't expecting anything groundbreaking, just something for my band to work on, and maybe use if we can't think of anything else to put on an album or something...
#5
Don't go around labeling each part, and describing it. If you want us to "feel" a song, then record a demo and upload it. If we can't hear it, then leave it as a written piece. Really disruptive on the flow.

Quote by herby190



Watch as what we do,
watch as it takes it's toll,
we're learning nothing new,
we're learning nothing at all.
There's really not a lot here. Not exciting, not inticing, anything. But, there is nothing really wrong with it, it's just too same-y.
I don't like the constant repetition of the the "t" sound in line 2, "it takes it's toll".


We're burning all our bridges,
we're burning them to ash.
Our actions are only stitches,
and they will never last.
Seemed forced because of the repetition of "we're burning".

Our time is running out,
and we're all gonna die.
There really is no doubt,
just the when and the why.
Love this, so simple, yet true.

WE'RE TURNING,
WE'RE BURNING!
AND WHAT,
ARE WE LEARNING?
Horrible. I hope you know why.

SO MANY HOW'S,
SO MANY WHY'S,
SO WHEN WILL YOU,
REALIZE....
.....it's do or die....
Horrible. Too short, ultimately pointless. And the capitals really disrupt the flow too (see top of post).

Let's bring us back from the brink,
let's back up off the edge.
Let's throw in the kitchen sink,
and see if we get off the ledge.
Lines one to three were good, but four just felt tagged on to get the rhyme.

How can you not worry,
do you even care?
Is this the end of the story,
do we just vanish in thin air?
Same as above.

Or do we put up a fight.
and try to make things right;
our attitude just might,
end up being mankind's blight.
Eww, eww, ewwwww! Why? Four consecutive rhymes! WHY?

WE'RE TURNING,
WE'RE BURNING!
AND WHAT,
ARE WE LEARNING?

SO MANY HOW'S,
SO MANY WHY'S,
SO WHEN WILL YOU,
REALIZE....
See previous one.

...it's do or die...
...so let's try....
...to save ourselves...
...let get outta our shells...
...we can't go down...
...we can't just drown...
Why the ellipses? Pointless things. Otherwise, nice.

WE'RE TURNING,
WE'RE BURNING!
AND WHAT,
ARE WE LEARNING?
See Previous.

SO TELL ME,
IN THE END!
IS IT WORTH IT WHEN WE'RE ALL DEAD?!
I suggest a line break either before or after the "when".

When will we learn?.......
More ellipses? Say what you want to say, or don't. It really is that simple. I could go into the whole psychology of why people use ellipses both in speech and/or their writing, but over here its nearly 1AM, and I have better things to do tonight.

Anyway, what I'd recommend for you to improve as a writer is to try writing some stuff without rhymes, or without a set rhyme structure.



C4C, Silence (long title), link in sig. Thanks.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 21, 2008,
#6
Quote by ginjaninja
Don't go around labeling each part, and describing it. If you want us to "feel" a song, then record a demo and upload it. If we can't hear it, then leave it as a written piece. Really disruptive on the flow.


C4C, Silence (long title), link in sig. Thanks.

My guitarist has been pressuring me to write punk so our band can use it, but I don't like being forced towards anything; it causes **** ups like this. So, I wrote it to prove my point. Sorry for making you suffer through it, but I was curious as to how people would respond.