#1
Not a song. C4C.



Sitting at the edge of the world
With our feet hanging over the side
Like children, feeling the wind in our hair
Staring blankly into the overrated marvel of The Unknown

Standing before the destruction
While the fire burns inside our eyes
We assumed that we were clever
After all of the things that we'd seen

Marveling at our creation
As it takes away our lives
Knowing what we have done
And knowing how to stop it

Sitting next to all I want
Kicking myself for thinking
That the words will always come to me
When I need them, instead of when I don't.

"These awkward silences must go on"?

"Is that it,
after all these years,
after all we've done,
and after all we've seen?"

She walks away and as the footsteps echo around my head, I think of the perfect thing to say. Damn hindsight.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 22, 2008,
#2
It's horrible for 2 reasons:

1) I didn't write it.

2) Your so self loathing I want to slash MY wrist.

Good job.
"You can drink an ugly chick hot, but you can’t drink a fat chick skinny."

Fender: HSS Stratocaster

Modulus: 1991 Q5

Peavey:158BASS
Marshall: MG30FDX
Acoustic: B200
#5
The first verse instantly made me think of "Feel Good Inc." by the Gorillaz because of the video.
Having said that, from my side there's nothing in this to rip into pieces.
#6
Nothing bad, but nothing revolutionary. I can relate with the whole "too late" thing, when there's something important or meaningful you could have said the whole time.
#7
In response to your comment, if you're going to be bitter, nobody asked you to add a useless "yeah it was good" to every other post in S&L. Be respectful to the community.


About the poem: The theme runs pretty smoothly throughout. I liked how you kind of revealed the "she" that was referred indirectly to in the rest of the poem.
I didn't really get the point to the line "these awkward silences...". Might just be me though. Redundancy? Another thing, using 'edge' twice in the first two lines doesn't sound so good, maybe replace the second with 'side'.

Anyway the "She walks away..." is executed well as it ties it all up well with conclusion. Also think "damn hindsight" doesn't fit with the tone, it's a bit brash, and this piece could do without it.
Last edited by Le_Bunny at Nov 21, 2008,
#8
Quote by Le_Bunny

Yeah you're right, my crits have become a little lackluster recently. That's kinda why i posted this,to give me an incentive to crit other peoples work properly for hope of a return.

I didn't really get the point to the line "these awkward silences...". Might just be me though. Redundancy?
I did this because I really hated how structured the first four stanzas were, how each one followed the same formula. However, I do see where you are coming from, and i completely understand how the end really disrupts the flow.
Another thing, using 'edge' twice in the first two lines doesn't sound so good, maybe replace the second with 'side'.
Thank you! Didn't notice that!

Anyway the "She walks away..." is executed well as it ties it all up well with conclusion. Also think "damn hindsight" doesn't fit with the tone, it's a bit brash, and this piece could do without it.
Well then, quite honestly, I think you've missed the point. Sorry.


Sorry guys for the rudeness at the top of the page, edited out.
And just to say, this isn't my favourite thing I've written in the recent months, for the structural reasons noted above.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 22, 2008,
#9
Quote by ginjaninja
Not a song. C4C.



Sitting at the edge of the world
With our feet hanging over the side
Like children, feeling the wind in our hair
Staring blankly into the overrated marvel of The Unknown
The last line was too long, but honestly I don't know how to change it somehow... This first stanza didn't seem to lead anywhere

Standing before the destruction
While the fire burns inside our eyes
We assumed that we were clever
After all of the things that we'd seen
I didn't like the first two lines, but I can't explain why; the last two were good

Marveling at our creation
As it takes away our lives
Knowing what we have done
And knowing how to stop it
This was better. I'm seeing that this is a very simplistic piece, and I suppose I'm not into it at this moment; still, this stanza was really good and quirky

Sitting next to all I want
Kicking myself for thinking
That the words will always come to me
When I need them, instead of when I don't.
This stanza read very awkwardly and the flow was really messed up imo...

"These awkward silences must go on"?

"Is that it,
after all these years,
after all we've done,
and after all we've seen?"

She walks away and as the footsteps echo around my head, I think of the perfect thing to say. Damn hindsight.


What can I say about this ? It didn't click me at all... Sorry mate. I don't think it's amazingly written, but its simplicity has its charm.

I can't say anything else... I'm in a too strange mood right now. It's a good job, but I believe you can do much much better.
#10
By the way, sorry for how ****ty my other one was; my guitarist was trying to get me to write Punk, so our band can use it, but I don't like being contained in one genre, so I wrote this to show how bad it is when I am forced. Sorry for making you suffer through it...
#11
Quote by ginjaninja
Well then, quite honestly, I think you've missed the point. Sorry.


Isn't it your duty as the composer to communicate your idea clearly? I spoke from the POV of an audience, and if I didn't get it then it's likely others won't as well. Just pointing that out.
#12
First off those first two lines get mad brownie points with me b/c they're almost identical to "Would you not like to be, sitting on top of the world with your legs hangin' free" from"Lie in Our Graves" by DMB which is one of my all time favorite songs.

Moving on...I give it two thumbs up overall, this piece has a really good flow and vibe as you read it aloud. Contrary to what seventh_angel said, I think the second verse is the best part of this whole thing. Also the last two lines are the perfect way to end this poem.

My only concerns are the last line of the first verse which just seems way to wordy and "cheesy" for lack of a better word. and possibly the "These awkward silences..." line although i've read it over a couple times and I think awkward silences line is growing on me, however that "overrated..unknown" line still bothers me.

Besides the that one line, I can't find much else to complain about. Good work, keep it up!