#1
Something I wrote, it's clichéd but this is written from a recent experience, so it's kind of means something to me:


Verse 1
DO YOU SEE! Us inside your head
When I first met you, you were all I wanted to have
I WAS WITH YOU, I WANTED NOTHING MORE!
YOU LAY IN MY ARMS AND TOLD ME THAT YOU CARED!
I had never been as happy as I was
You were my world, my everything
Now I have nothing but hurt

Chorus
I SAID!
I never want to lose you
You said I never would
Were you LYING! to us both?
DID YOU REALLY THINK IT WOULD LAST?!
DID YOU BELIEVE IN US!, Like I did
I never wanted
TO!
LET!
GO!


Verse 2
I LOVED YOU! more than anything...
When did the words, I LOVE YOU!, Start to burn your mouth away?
I CAN'T HELP THAT YOU FEEL THIS WAY!
I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME!
But I will be here, so close yet so far
Standing still, with my heart in my hand
Please don't break it again

Verse 3
I'LL MOVE ON! but I don't want to
How does it feel to be the first to break my heart?
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PICITURE!
TO HELP ME THROUGH THE NIGHT!
The memory of you sits inside my mind
I can't let it go of how I feel
I just wish this wasn't how it is
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#3
i wish you could have a 'piciture' of my expression right now.

to be kinder, sure you've bolded the angry bits, but i don't feel much here. it's just angst. i want honest heartbreak, i want honest misery and regret and bitterness. not angst.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
It's fair enough guys, I know it isn't a masterpiece, I just kinda wanted to write it.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#5
oh, for sure. i know you weren't trying to achieve anything amazing,
and i appreciate that sometimes you just gotta get **** off your chest.
but it's a critique forum and i felt i should try and be honest with how you could improve this.
not that you CAN really improve how your feelings make you feel, ya know?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
^true that.you can work on how you articulate your feelings though.thats all you need to work on
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#7
The first bit I wrote was the chorus, perhaps I should of spent more time on the verses, just taking the chorus on it's own, it is much better, at least to me

Chorus
I said I never want to lose you
You said I never would
Were you lying to us both?
Did you really think that it would last?
Did you believe in us, Like I did
I never wanted to let go
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!