#1
C4C (leave link)




One by one we discard
people in this house we live in,
so we can maintain our balance,
or give a hand to fall apart.
There he stands, oscillating
at the top, without a crown;
a victim of regicide
by four mistress queens.

The queen of spades holed his soul
while she breathed it in the fog
the sweat of Ace vaporized
while slashing her inside.
His morbid doppelganger
waltzed gruesomely with his eyes
like scythes, as if saying:
"The next one is you."

The queen of clubs wandered,
feeling out of place in a space
filled with evil, without a room
she could make hers.
So he found her in a corner,
with a lake of tears she cried
in her lap, in which he dived
just to find she was dead.

The queen of hearts stole his,
put it in a bag and fed it to the dogs;
pointless characters that support
a house that’s nothing like home,
fated to fall in due time,
his plastic body half ripped
tries to heal his wounds
with a heart barely beating.

The queen of diamonds hid
all his fortune in a chest
buried in the folk’s fields,
when the dogs regurgitated
his spirit. Now he digs remains
just to realize
how pointless wealth is
without a soul to bare it.

By weakness it fell;
with feelings it played;
with lovers it bet
on a game with no prize.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Nov 23, 2008,
#2
Quote by seventh_angel


One by one we discard
people in this house we live in,
so we can maintain our balance,
or give a hand to fall apart.
There he stands, oscillating
at the top, without a crown;
a victim of regicide
by four mistress queens.
Very, very nice introduction. I like how you don't overdo anything, yet you say what you need to and also what you want.

The queen of spades holed his soul
while she breathed it in the fog
the sweat of Ace vaporized
while slashing her inside.
His morbid doppelganger
waltzed gruesomely with his eyes
like scythes, as if saying:
"The next one is you."
Assuming that "Ace" is the card, ace, then you need to be consistent with your capitalization (Queen of Spades). Not sure if I like the flow of the last three lines, and especially the last could have been said a lot better. But I understand what you are trying to communicate.

The queen of clubs wandered,
feeling out of place in a space
filled with evil, without a room
she could make hers.
So he found her in a corner,
with a lake of tears she cried
in her lap, in which he dived
just to find she was dead.
Again, capitalization. I Really don't like the place/space rhyme, feels forced, and really disrupts the flow for the first three lines by making them all split in the middle. However, I like the half rhyme of cried/dived, really works.

The queen of hearts stole his,
put it in a bag and fed it to the dogs;
pointless characters that support
a house that’s nothing like home,
fated to fall in due time,
his plastic body half ripped
tries to heal his wounds
with a heart barely beating.
A body "half ripped"? Did not understand that. I like how you circulate (pun clearly intended) this stanza about the heart.

The queen of diamonds hid
all his fortune in a chest,
buried in the folk’s fields
when the dogs regurgitated
his spirit. Now he digs remains
just to realize
how pointless wealth is
without a soul to bare it.
I'm not really sure of the flow in th one. But, I really like the irony.

By weakness it fell;
with feelings it played;
with lovers it bet
on a game with no prize.
Betted is not a word, and you bet ON a game, not IN a game.


Good, really like how you structured it.

C4C? long title, in sig.
#3
Thank you for the comment, especially the correction on the last stanza. I prefer not to capitalize but if someone else tells me I should, then I will. And yea, the Ace is the Ace of Spades, the card of death.

Thank you again.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Nov 23, 2008,
#4
I'm not sure what I think about it either. I'll come back later today when I'm not in so much pain and thrash it out a bit
#5
I'll be waiting. I honestly don't recall my thought-wave when doing this. I made this friday night, (well it was already saturday), and on the next day, I couldn't fully understand it, though I have a couple of interpretations of it... I'm still not sure what to think about it
#8
C4C (leave link)




One by one we discard
people in this house we live in,
so we can maintain our balance,
or give a hand to fall apart.
There he stands, oscillating
at the top, without a crown;
a victim of regicide
by four mistress queens. hmmm, i like this, and i don't like this. I'd ask if you're trying to look at something deeper here, but if you've forgotten, there isn't much point. To mee this felt hollow. Unless of course it is eluding to something much deeper, much larger, than a house of cards. The words are nice however, the imagery is just very cliched and lifeless

The queen of spades holed his soul i don't think holed is a word, but it works regardless
while she breathed it in the fog
the sweat of Ace vaporized
while slashing her inside.
His morbid doppelganger
waltzed gruesomely with his eyes
like scythes, as if saying:
"The next one is you." this is nice to read, especially out loud, but it seems, to me at least, to mean nothing.

The queen of clubs wandered,
feeling out of place in a space
filled with evil, without a room
she could make hers.
So he found her in a corner,
with a lake of tears she cried
in her lap, in which he dived
just to find she was dead. again, really nice to read, but again, it still seems to mea nothing. A lot of conflicting imagery

The queen of hearts stole his, oh no, no, that's just terrible wording. especially from you
put it in a bag and fed it to the dogs;
pointless characters that support
a house that’s nothing like home,
fated to fall in due time,
his plastic body half ripped
tries to heal his wounds
with a heart barely beating. Still, the words are so good, but the content so hollow and lifeless and just...confusing

The queen of diamonds hid
all his fortune in a chest
buried in the folk’s fields,
when the dogs regurgitated
his spirit. Now he digs remains
just to realize
how pointless wealth is
without a soul to bare it. meh, same again

By weakness it fell;
with feelings it played;
with lovers it bet
on a game with no prize.


Umm, this lost me, completely and utterly, one hundred percent. I could get no connection to this at all. This piece, more than anything, is like a house of cards. Delicately balanced, nice to look at, but completely and utterly empty, full of cracks and air. The content of this piece seemed non-existent, at least to me. And every line seems to contradict itself, created this mass sea of conflicting imagery, leaving me feeling very confused. And there is a lot of bad wording in here, which is sad because your wording is normally what impresses me so much. Hopefully this helps a bit. i'll swing by again later
#9
The impression I got was roommate troubles aha... Aside from that I like how you used the traits of all the cards to talk about whoever it is they represent. It personified the cards even more than traditionally in some ways, which is quite cool, not to mention rounding out the characters of the piece itself.
#10
Thank you all.

Now Kyle, I'll try to explain this to you, which is hard because even I don't understand it fully. The feeling that this doesn't go nowhere is because this isn't a "tale" as it looks like. Everything is a symbology I don't have the patience to try and explain. If you really want to, PM me and I'll be glad to tell you. Right now, I'm not in the mood, and I apologize to everyone who was confused with this, and now only got more xD

Just keep them coming people ^^