#1
an incognito generation.

sometimes i smell
the collective dogwoods
permeating
the sample-fresh air
in Hurricane, WV.
often it seems
they alone, stretch the gap
of fortune and poverty
just enough
to hide the indifference
in this place, my home.

oh where fore art thou
transformation?
i felt the
transcendence into the
thoughts provoked
by a much needed walk;
my chain-smoking
lipslungsheartgone
morphed on songs
whispered
under tongue;

fade me into the detachment
of our families,
into the voices of our
trees and trunks as
the elephants are feeding
on newborns
and the primate
knuckle draggers make
a living off of raped
ivory.

fade me into the settled
dissonance, reccuring
silently in the shields
of our peculiar harmony.
i want to be steadfast in
the movement
wheeling as the noise
of our natural poetry
that is so typically
shunned.

fade me into the
much-needed heap of
old clothes and un-eaten
food you
throw to the sidewalk
to be picked up
by your garbage-man.
i fade into the last
argument of two
friends or lovers
or shirts that never
quite fit right.

and i saw that
there were robins in the
chapel windows
singing to the graves
down the block,
and all i kept thinking
was:
is that where the love
is being held captive?

when i was walking home,
the cops stopped me
and searched me
tryin' to find somethin.'
with my most passionate,
outspoken finger,
i'm sure i pointed them
in the right direction.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Nov 23, 2008,
#2
no comments?

well, i thought this was pretty awesome. the last stanza was just kicking oppression in the nuts. great.
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
#5
Your first two stanzas didn't hold my attention at all. By the middle of the second, I had to quit. I've come back now and read to the end. The first two just didn't go anywhere for me. You were beating a dead horse after the first few examples of the second stanza. I got it... I knew what you meant.

The rest was pretty... but something about it made me not feel it. I can tell its for you... and god damn its well written... but it just never caught me and swept me along with you. Probably just me.
#6
sometimes i smell
the collective dogwoods
permeating
the sample-fresh air
in Hurricane, WV.
often it seems
they alone, stretch the gap
of fortune and poverty
just enough
to hide the indifference
in this place
of my home.
I usually have a lot of problems with incoherent structure, but I think this opener would benefit if it would be less cut up. I think it would work well as longer lines and then you cut it into the so called "list" in the next stanza. It did feel very honest and simple and I think it's how it should be, just the structure held it back.

oh, pedant City Hall;
snotty valley girls,
and bag-lady of
Midland Trail;
obese business men
and blue collar
factory drones;
fearful seniors and
corrupt
Mayor So-and-So;
drug-and-death dealers
and dog-bitten
postmasters;
rednecks and blacks
and latinos
and all others,
this is what i say to you:
This structure definitely works for this stanza, but I fear that this stanza goes a bit too long, since there's almost near to no descriptions in it, it's hard to concentrate and hang on, like Zach said. I think you can achieve the same effect with making this a bit more focused.

fade me into the detachment
of our families,
into the voices of our
trees and trunks as
the elephants are feeding
on newborns
and the primate
knuckle draggers make
a living off of raped
ivory.
A bit of an odd ball really. I liked it looking at it separately from everything, but apart from the first two lines, I felt it was a bit odd to the theme and ideas of the piece and although a nice written little thing, not really effective in the grand scheme of the entire piece.

fade me into the settled
dissonance, reccuring
silently in the shields
of our peculiar harmony.
i want to be steadfast in
the movement
wheeling as the noise
of our natural poetry
that is so typically
shunned.
beautiful words, beautifully put together. This is constructed beauty.

fade me into the
much-needed heap of
old clothes and un-eaten
food you
throw to the sidewalk
to be picked up
by your garbage-man.
i fade into the last
argument of two
friends or lovers
or shirts that never
quite fit right.
I really liked how the previous stanza was more surreal and ungrounded and here you brought it back to reality, slowly... you definitely hit your stride in these lines. I also think the structure works much better here.

and i saw that
there were robins in the
chapel windows
singing to the graves
down the block,
and all i kept thinking
was:
is that where the love
is being held captive?
If this was in any other piece, surrounded by any other stanzas and ideas, I'd call it cliché and too generic, but here, the break worked so well and it felt very natural in this setting. It worked on the theme and drove home the meaning. I thought you were very clever in putting this the way you did, and not going overboard with too much kitsch.

when i was walking home,
the cops stopped me
and searched me
tryin' to find somethin.'
with my most passionate,
outspoken finger,
i'm sure i pointed them
in the right direction.
I really like endings that can either mean everything or nothing, and this is a great example.

So, in general, I agree that the beginning of the piece needs work. It's a bit of a mess, especially structure-wise, although I think that it can be shortened as well.
This piece tells a story that is clearly happening on the inside, and it does it so well. Apart from the last stanza, I think it all speaks volumes about someone's head, their imaginations and line of thought and how it works. It's like watching a film in a foreign language. You can tell by the pictures what's going on, but it's still not completely yours, there is those subtitles missing and you wish you had the key to fully understand... I understood, but it was my own interpretation and I loved it like that.
This is not a pipe
#7
S1 was meh and incomparable to the rest of the piece, which was ridiculously amazing.

I am a fan, and this: this is my giant #1 foam finger.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching