#1
I might just change the ending anytime soon. Thanks for reading.
--------
where I live everyone's got their deal of
teeny apocalypses.
White earthquakes and
late night typhoons in giant eyes,
sipping on sulfur liquors ;
"that straw in my drink is just
the eye of the hurricane",
well just try and catch your breath for now
and stop god damn fueling it.

I usually leave it at that,
I'm sick of tides so blue they're on the edge of black
I'd rather spend a little time alone
dealing with my own
tiny tremors
It's no big deal I'm usually
just a little shaken up
when I head outside to shake it all off

automatic route,
I find my way through falling flakes
in a weather so cold it burns a little
until I reach the old docks,
they're floating with grace
in a river so rich that it gently laces
past and future.

and looking up
to the low, low sky I see,
approaching in a glide,
the tip of
a winter with woman eyes
making love to the river and
lapping the island's rocky line
with freezing waves and desire
in continuous tiny orgasms

it is coming,
it is coming to take me whole
Last edited by circular.parade at Nov 24, 2008,
#2
I'm blackdotting this 'cause I don't have time to say anything constructive, or even read through the thing right now.

#3
where I live everyone's got their deal of
teeny apocalypses.
White earthquakes and
late night typhoons in giant eyes,
sipping on sulfur liquors ;
"that straw in my drink is just
the eye of the hurricane",
well just try and catch your breath for now
and stop god damn fueling it.
I'm not really getting the two voices you have going here. The simple narrator talking to the reader in the first and last lines, and then the poet in the middle. It's a bit of a mess throughout the piece in that aspect. I thought you drove in the natural disasters a bit too much. It was a bit too condensed. Perhaps spreading those throughout the piece would have been better. I liked the simple voice in this though. I wish the whole piece was him.

I usually leave it at that,
I'm sick of tides so blue they're on the edge of black
I'd rather spend a little time alone
dealing with my own
tiny tremors
It's no big deal I'm usually
just a little shaken up
when I head outside to shake it all off
Same schizophrenic character, talking everyday language and then the second line is verging on cliché romance poetry. Except the tremors bit I didn't see how this needed a whole separate stanza, as it didn't add much.

automatic route,
I find my way through falling flakes
in a weather so cold it burns a little
until I reach the old docks,
they're floating with grace
in a river so rich that it gently laces
past and future.
I lost the everyday narrator again. There's a very down to earth first half of the stanza and then something about floating gracefully in a river. It's great, if those were separated. It's a bit much to try and fit into one piece.

and looking up
in the low, low sky I see,
approaching in a glide,
the tip of
a winter with woman eyes
making love to the river and
lapping the island's rocky line
with freezing waves and desire
in continuous tiny orgasms


it is coming,
it is coming to take me whole
Again, I don't think the play on crude vs. poetic worked here. The tome is completely different from what you started with and then the orgasms bit... it was just a bit sudden to blend with the rest of the piece.


This didn't work for me. I thought you have two wonderful pieces in there, but they just don't work together. You tried to put in roughness and yet maintain some ethereal feeling about this and it just didn't do it for me. You have some great ideas there but this either needs to be broken down into two pieces or needs much more fining and tuning in order for it not to feel all over the place. I loved the ideas, I really did, just reign them in and smooth the ride for the reader.
This is not a pipe
#4
I really like this man.

I'm glad you're writing again.

I'm not sure if this is where you want to be yet, but you're getting there.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
Thanks cory. Appreciate the support.

Mel thanks a lot. I read your critique over and over again and I'm so unsure of what to make out of it. I agree with some of it but some points are more in the gray zone.
I don't think "orgasm" is crude language. Sure it refers to sex, but to me it's nothing obscene or embarrassing. I understand the comment referring to the first stanza though, but then again, the quotation marks are what's being said by whomever ("everyone" in the stanza) and the "crude language" is my reaction to it, which leads to the narrative progression and changes of setting in the piece. That might be why you seem to see this as "two" distinct pieces, but really the piece is about me getting out of that setting I'm feeling uncomfortable with. Changing the environment. The agglomeration of catastrophes in the first stanza were supposed to represent that, and why I'm uneasy there, with everyone over exaggerating everything. It wouldn't be logical to spread em out throughout the piece. Anyhow.

Now the fact that I have to explain that says that I failed to convey the message I intended to, but then again I'm left without a direction as to what to do to make this work better.
Anyway, thanks again.
#7
where I live everyone's got their deal of
teeny apocalypses.
I don't like the phrase "got their deal of teeny". I do love the idea expressed here though.
White earthquakes and
late night typhoons in giant eyes,
"In giant eyes" was kinda awkward. Again, love what you're working towards here already.
sipping on sulfur liquors ;
"that straw in my drink is just
the eye of the hurricane",
Cool.
well just try and catch your breath for now
and stop god damn fueling it.
If you wanna be risque, I'd think you'd be better off saying and "****ing stop fueling it" I think it flows better. I also think it flows better without the "well" and the "for now".

I usually leave it at that,
I'm sick of tides so blue they're on the edge of black
I'd rather spend a little time alone
dealing with my own
tiny tremors
It's no big deal I'm usually
just a little shaken up
when I head outside to shake it all off
Love everything.

automatic route,
I find my way through falling flakes
in a weather so cold it burns a little
I don't like "a" here.
until I reach the old docks,
they're floating with grace
"they're" is superfluous.
in a river so rich that it gently laces
past and future.
Really good here as well. Just those couple little things I mentioned through off the flow slightly.

and looking up
in the low, low sky I see,
I prefer "to" or "at" to "in" here, especially considering the "in" in the following line.
approaching in a glide,
the tip of
a winter with woman eyes
I think this could be reworded better as "an approaching winter, with woman eyes" -- and cut out the two lines before it. Approaching would imply what "the tip of" says, and it removes some of the clutter.
making love to the river and
lapping the island's rocky line
with freezing waves and desire
in continuous tiny orgasms
Sweet.

it is coming,
it is coming to take me whole

I really enjoyed this thing a whole lot. You've expressed a lot of cool ideas here, and there's some really awesome imagery throughout. Pretty much the only critiques I had were nitpicky criticisms of the way you worded things, there's pretty much nothing wrong with the core of this however. I loved it. One of the best poems I've read from you.
#8
thanks corey man. That means quite a bit coming from you.

I might try and make this a song. I agree with the few flow mistakes you pointed out. I'll try and turn this around shortly. More opinions welcome .
#9
1st stanza: I'm having trouble with the consistency or coherency or both. What was being said was good, but the way it was being said was not very clear.

2nd stanza: I enjoyed it a lot except for the repetition of shake/shaken

3rd stanza: All good, once again. However I didn't like the making love bit. It seems a bit tired or cliche to say that.

Great read overall, those where my only qualms with it. Other than that good stuff!
#10
You've gotten two very indepth shots with conflicting opinions; so I guess I'll throw mine out there too (I owe you a lot anyways. I always read you, but never know what to say). I'm just going to say something anytime I get something to say throughout. May be a lot of breaks... may be none... I dunno.

Quote by circular.parade

where I live everyone's got their deal of
teeny apocalypses.

Was dying for a pause after "where I live" something to make it more dramatic and intro-y. The line break here broke me straight out of the gate. I was turned off by it (literally... my penis was like "fuck you" and tried to run away).

White earthquakes and
late night typhoons in giant eyes,
sipping on sulfur liquors ;

This was trying too hard for me. "sulfur liquors" basically was the only thing that bothered me... it just screamed "I want to make an intense image OMG Adjective!" Needed a bit of low-key imagery so as yo not steal the focus from the apocalypses and catastrophes.

"that straw in my drink is just
the eye of the hurricane",
well just try and catch your breath for now
and stop god damn fueling it.

Better. This re-enforces to me that the sulfur needs to be changed... it shifts the focus too much from the hurricane imagery. Leave the liquors, but find something different that doesn't shift away from the hurricanes. Hell, something as simple as "salty liquors" stays with the theme; still conveys a bad taste type thing etc... Just need to not break the idea and allow my mind to slide between the ideas.

I usually leave it at that,
I'm sick of tides so blue they're on the edge of black
I'd rather spend a little time alone
dealing with my own
tiny tremors
It's no big deal I'm usually
just a little shaken up
when I head outside to shake it all off

no big deal line; ugh. Line break and lack of punctuation after "deal" was just rough on my read. I stuttered over it. Period after black and tremors? I don't think that was on purpose as there is a period in the first stanza.

automatic route,
I find my way through falling flakes
in a weather so cold it burns a little
until I reach the old docks,
they're floating with grace
in a river so rich that it gently laces
past and future.

Gorgeous... save for the they're. I followed... but it took me a minute to discern you had shifted to the docks instead of flakes. Could just be me, but I didn't like the pronoun there.

and looking up
to the low, low sky I see,
approaching in a glide,
the tip of
a winter with woman eyes
making love to the river and
lapping the island's rocky line
with freezing waves and desire
in continuous tiny orgasms

it is coming,
it is coming to take me whole

I hated orgasms for a completely different reason; I thought it sounded medical here. Like saying Coitus instead of sex or ****ing. You're building this grand image out of short words and flowing ideas and then BLAM orgasm. The word just comes a bit out of nowhere, with almost not preface for that type. If it were me (which it obviously isn't), I'd rewrite the last line of that section; something more flowing with the tone and imagery of the previous images.

Good closing.


I'm stuck on the fence. It built up as I went along; and by the end I liked it. But the first section just threw me out of whack and sync with the piece.

-zC