#1
c4c. leave a link; i'm done hunting pieces down.


I fell short in a room yesterday,
knowing I'm fully grown; but
I still had to look up to every male in the room.
They were men.
Proud men that stood tall; towering over the world.
Some people came in and told them
"you're too proud."
They lifted their shirts and revealed giant
scars across their chests;
some stretch nipple to nipple,
some in the form of healed bullet holes,
some not even visible physically...
but you knew they were there.
"See, you goddamn prick. I've earned your respect
and the ability to be proud; I've earned my cock,
now go earn yours and stop bitching about me."

Georgie was the tallest man in the
whole damn room.
I mean, I've known people that died;
my grandma, my best friend, my dog,
but I was never there when it happened.
He told me a story once about standing
in a trench and fighting that Hitler bastard;
he heard a bullet whiz by his ear and hit
James (to his left) square in the forehead.
He turned back and saw him slump down.
While he was telling me he started crying;
and I'll be damned if it didn't make him
even taller.
He pressed his eyes to my chest and cried
for James and Earl and Duane and his whole unit.
He's the shortest giant I've ever met.
#2
I fell short in a room yesterday,
knowing I'm fully grown; but
I still had to look up to every male in the room
(even the ones shorter than me).
I really like the opening... I think the "even though..." gets stuff a bit clumsy, but then it works in a way because it tells of the (perhaps) awkwardness of the narrator.
They were men; and I, a mere boy.
Proud men that stood tall; towering over the world.
Some people came in and told them
"you're too proud."
This was a bit cut up, the sentences were just so detached.. but it also worked in a way.
They lifted their shirts and revealed giant
scars across their chests;
some stretch nipple to nipple,
some in the form of healed bullet holes,
some not even visible physically...
but you knew they were there.
"See, you goddamn prick. I've earned your respect
and the ability to be proud; I've earned my cock,
now go earn yours and stop bitching about me."
I had to read this part a couple of times to grasp exactly what was going on, but once I did, I really liked this part.

Georgie was the tallest man in the
whole damn room.
I mean, I've known people that died;
my grandma, my best friend, my dog,
but I was never there when it happened.
I didn't get this part until I got to the end of this stanza. I think you'd do well to tie it together more. Something like, adding "he was." and then go on to the rest of the stanza. It will be more clear.
He told me a story once about standing
in a trench and fighting that Hitler bastard;
he heard a bullet whiz by his ear and hit
James (to his left) square in the forehead.
He turned back and saw him slump down.
While he was telling me he started crying;
and I'll be damned if it didn't make him
even taller.
He pressed his eyes to my chest and cried
for James and Earl and Duane and his whole unit.
He's the shortest giant I've ever met.
Other than what I mentioned a few lines above, I really liked this stanza.


I thought it worked well, going from the general view in the first stanza and to the particular story in the second, the individual, it worked on so many levels, how in a group you show the pride and battle scars, but alone you only have the loss. And you could feel the emotion growing in the second stanza, intensifying the scene. I guess the last line wasn't that of a surprise, but I thought it was necessary to make this piece whole.
This is not a pipe
#3
I really enjoyed this, Zach. The theme was lovingly portrayed while it still retained your trademark way of writing - which I don't really have the nohow to pin down right now.

One thing I noticed with this though is that you said everything that I was thinking; leaving nothing to the imagination. The first section in brackets is an example of that. I see why it's there, but to be honest, I was already quickly inside your brain, picking apart your hurts and pains without you even saying it. You have a wonderful way of instantly sucking the reader into a certain framework, but you just need to allow that person to see things in alternate ways. For me anyway, I was left with nothing but the main theme and all the separate emotions branching off from that theme. They were all preconceived and explained by you with straight forward, blunt mannerisms, instead of by me - which is what I prefer to do. The balance is certainly fine and you didn't quite stay true to it in this one.

That all said, there weren't sections that I thought, oh suck me dry baby cakes, this is awesome. It was more the overall feeling, tone and sensation that forced me to like this (which is not something I find a pattern with in your works)

Excellent stuff, I really felt this one through to my bones. Maybe I'm finally getting used to your method of writing...

Digitally Clean
#4
compared to Sesame Street, I think this one is more like your older stuff. Ambiguous isn't the right word, but for me, it didn't have the right level of emotion. You were describing this brilliant scene, with some fantastic and powerful ideas, but for some reason i still felt coldly detached. Maybe it's just me.
#5
The Metaphorical use of pride and the general 'height of your being' use is a strong intro but the bridging from the story part and the rest of the song. The first part is an EXCELLENT set-up but you need something to ridge the gap in a sense, because the gap seems to be too large for an instrument to bridge with a vocal break. I'm not in the position to really tell you how to fill the missing feel but maybe a verse of how humility is a true confidence and pride is a mask of confidence.

My two cents, if you feel like criting,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1006057
#6
I thought it was a really good concept. There were a few things that I didn't like. Mostly the "I was fully grown" and "I, a mere boy" contradiction, which I understand was probably intentional, but not to my taste. Some of the bluntness of the first stanza didn't fit with the rest in my opinion. I also am 99% sure that it should be "taller than I" in line 4, I couldn't tell if that was done purposely or not.

Other than that, I thought the piece was great. Good idea, and clearly conveyed.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1006316
#7
"They were men; and I, a mere boy.
Proud men that stood tall; towering over the world."

I don't like that you go from them, to you, to them again.
That's all I have for faulting this.

It's nice to see your humour not stick out like a sore thumb, and work extremely well with a piece.

This, to say the least, was fantastic. Thank you for sharing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
I fell short in a room yesterday,
knowing I'm fully grown; but
I still had to look up to every male in the room.
They were men.
Proud men that stood tall; towering over the world.
Some people came in and told them
"you're too proud."
Some people coming in and saying such is rather boringly vague here. Also if you're gonna be capitalizing stuff properly, the "You're" should be capitalized here.
They lifted their shirts and revealed giant
scars across their chests;
some stretch nipple to nipple,
some in the form of healed bullet holes,
some not even visible physically...
but you knew they were there.
"See, you goddamn prick. I've earned your respect
and the ability to be proud; I've earned my cock,
now go earn yours and stop bitching about me."
Sho nuff.

Georgie was the tallest man in the
whole damn room.
I mean, I've known people that died;
my grandma, my best friend, my dog,
but I was never there when it happened.
This whole death thing kinda came out of nowhere.
He told me a story once about standing
in a trench and fighting that Hitler bastard;
he heard a bullet whiz by his ear and hit
James (to his left) square in the forehead.
He turned back and saw him slump down.
While he was telling me he started crying;
A comma between "me" and "he" would make this line clearer.
and I'll be damned if it didn't make him
even taller.
He pressed his eyes to my chest and cried
for James and Earl and Duane and his whole unit.
He's the shortest giant I've ever met.
I thought this all was a little weak. The whole "tall" motif got somewhat played out to the point where you were being blaringly obvious about it, and not really in a positive way.

That's not to say I didn't enjoy this, 'cause I most certainly did. I mean I barely found anything to complain about really, but the stuff I did is bugging me. It might just be the "I'll be damned..." line that threw me off, and then the repetition of his crying, and then the somewhat obvious "shortest giant" pun at this point. I don't know, I think a little more subtlety somewhere in here would've went a long way. But, the writing is solid, of course.

I liked more than I disliked here, by far.
I absolutely love your Sesame Street poem, by the way, but I'm not going to bump that one right now.
#10
Thanks, sir. Much appreciated. I sort of figured the tall motif was going to wear thin, so I tried to cut it off short (pun, lololololol). Give me a link you bastard; and I'll get back to you when I get home from Thanksgiving on Sunday. Otherwise I'm just going to pick a random one from you (that isn't grandpa because I have nothing to say on that save for "gorgeous") and go at it.

Glad you enjoyed sesame street... that one was much more enjoyable to write.
#11
Overall, I loved it. There is something missing. I was drawn in and could relate to everything and yet I remained emotionless. What am I missing? Am I desensitized? I honestly do not know how to break down and crit line for line a story like this so all I can do is crit the end result and that is, I think you left out something personal, I just don't know what it is.


Sweet Agony
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1004943