#1
She wants me to like her, yet -

Her lips quiver in anticipation and
a hesitant tongue leaves behind
glistening trails, reflecting the light.
Her teeth tightly sink in, wounding
a slowly swelling bottom lip –
and the familiar taste of fresh
blood washes over famished taste buds.

She apologises for being soft spoken
though it almost doesn’t feel genuine,
as her lips redden and her slowly
revealed smile almost hints
that it’s one of the things
she actually likes about herself.

She wants me to like her, yet
she never said who she was.
This is not a pipe
#2
This is absolutely fantastic. The opening was a perfect cliffhanger. It was almost as if you brought the piece up a slope and let it fall like a rollercoaster. The last four lines of stanza one are immensely relatable and beautifully written. They exemplify one of the things I love about this piece: its carefully chosen words. It seems to me that you spent a long time just choosing your words to make sure your message came across full force. I didn't enjoy the glistening trails line, but that could be because its meaning escaped me. But no worries. You open the second stanza as strongly as you finished the first. I honestly can't pick a point in the second stanza to praise, it's all so well written. I read it in two parts: the first two lines of her coy lying, and then the remaining four lines of calm and frigid self-appraisal. I had to give each part a moment to sink in. The ending left me breathless. You brought back the opening line and drove the point home. It's rare to see the same line work for both the beginning and end as well as it does here. One of the strongest points of the piece is the mystery girl's universality. Most people have met someone like her, someone they wished they had the courage to introduce themselves to. She reminded me of Dominique Francon in The Fountainhead. Excellent job. I'd say perfect 10, but that's just my opinion.

Edit: I only just realized how long this was - Sorry!
#3
it seems like I've read this before. This ain't the first piece in which you exploit mouth descriptions that much, is it?

Let me start off by saying that I thought the descriptive execution was done well enough -- I think that was the piece's main goal -- but it didn't make me feel much. I thought there were a few obscure technical details that refrained me from enjoying the piece as a perfectly executed bit of writing. If you don't mind, I'll get pretty picky.

glistening trails, reflecting the light.

I thought it was a pretty rough path to engage yourself in, here. Introducing "the light" here without any previous or future reference kind of deflects the piece from itself. I would expect the perspective to zoom out and see things in a more general context, but no, you get back in the "mouth" for some more close-up details. I don't know if you see what I mean here. Simply removing "the" before "light" would help imo, but that would only be solving half the problem.
anyhow, moving on.

and the familiar taste of fresh
blood washes over famished taste buds.

The line break with fresh--->blood was a little awkward to me, in the sense that it considerably disrupted the flow. You might want to look over that. I loved taste buds

She apologises for being soft spoken
though it almost doesn’t feel genuine,

apologises should be apologizes.
I didn't like much the internal rhyming with "genuine"; I thought the wording was a little off, if I dare saying.
as her lips redden and her slowly
revealed smile almost hints
that it’s one of the things
she actually likes about herself.

alright, imho, the wording is all over the place here. The sentence runs on. You have two "almost" in there, added to the "actually", which, overall, makes the phrasing pretty clumsy. I like the idea and what you have going here, but I really think this needs to be re-written.

as for the ending couplet, I like the "mysterious" direction you intended to give this, but the closeness between "she actually likes about herself" and "she wants me to like her" kind of sells it off/weakens the impact.

Overall, I didn't feel much reading this, but I doubt this was your intention. For this to be fully enjoyable though, I feel like your execution would have to be perfect, which, imho, it isn't. This needs a little more work, and I'm sure you'll find a way to turn it around neatly.

Thanks for everything,
Mat
#4
Yeah I kinda agree with Matt, technically this felt a bit shorter than your high standards.

The double "slowly" seemed not like you.

Thw second stanza seems awkwardly worded. Like you had the idea, but the execution just wasn't natural. There's a passiveness to it as well, that I don't think benefits it. Your idea in the second never came out well. I think it's when you jump back into the description mid-flow, it kind of becomes a mouthful; maybe you could streamline this section a bit, doesn't feel genuine/slow smile reveals... devling back into the "redden" (which imo is an ugly word anyway ) kind of makes the stanza over-stuffy. Much like this crit, which is rambling. Double almost/actually as well contributes to this over-wordy stanza.

I think you could do a bit more with the ending too; I think you should set up the "she wants me to like her" bit, maybe incorporate that idea a bit more into the earlier stanzas?

Anyway, I'm rambling. The second half of the piece didn't do the first any justice. I'll echo Mat's concluding words.



Er, um, want to comment on mine? You know I'd appreciate a word or two.
#5
You know what I think about this, and if you don't, I will clarify for you again.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I'll be honest, I really did not get anything out of it. I read it three times and was none the better for it. I don't really think there was much substance to criticize, other than the lack of substance to criticize.

I liked the line about the smile that reveals etc. It was good. But everything else seemed pretty average to me.