#1
My first post in this forum, many thanks for all crits! Will for sure crit back.

This one is a poem

Hey Heartbreaker

so you disguised your desire
all and all its quite obvious now
on opposite lines of emotional ties
transferring worn dilated eyes

with tears mixing into mascara
ever so softly falling onto the floor
a clever design in what it reflects
uniquely it describes what i suspect

ruptured silence from words you wish to speak
physically wrecked from holding it within
exerted cries in a hundred different sounds
what a surprise to hear you be so profound

the words seem oh so scripted
pronounced coarse in its tone
spilling your lungs stomaching the blame
my apologies girl the passion isn't the same

you were the hailed heart breaker
shredding hearts with elegant ease
well tides have now reversed in my favor
hey heart breaker with no love to savor
#3
You have a good idea working throughout here. I'll take it on a stanza-by-stanza basis and outline what I liked and didn't like.

so you disguised your desire
all and all its quite obvious now
on opposite lines of emotional ties
transferring worn dilated eyes


This was a good start to the poem. I see how it ties in to the title/Hey Heartbreaker line. I thought the 'worn, dilated eyes' part was good.

with tears mixing into mascara
ever so softly falling onto the floor
a clever design in what it reflects
uniquely it describes what i suspect


I thought this stanza was a bit cliched, but that's just me. The tear-ridden mascara face has been alluded to many times, but the ending of the stanza was cleverly written, so I commend you on that.

ruptured silence from words you wish to speak
physically wrecked from holding it within
exerted cries in a hundred different sounds
what a surprise to hear you be so profound


There's not much to say about these lines. You might want to swap out 'hundred different' for something along the lines of 'myriad of' or something. The stanza as a whole is rather solid. My favorite line in your piece is the profound line. I thought it was bitter and it showed your sentiment clearly.

the words seem oh so scripted
pronounced coarse in its tone
spilling your lungs stomaching the blame
my apologies girl the passion isn't the same


I didn't like the 'oh so' in front of scripted. But otherwise I thought this was a good stanza as well. I liked the 'pronounced coarse in its tone' line, and I think it would benefit from not having oh so scripted. It's just my opinion, though.

you were the hailed heart breaker
shredding hearts with elegant ease
well tides have now reversed in my favor
hey heart breaker with no love to savor


After reading the rest of your piece, I think you have the ability to begin your last stanza more strongly, but I enjoyed how you brought back the heartbreaker idea.

Overall this was a cool piece. I agree with skateordie. This could be a pretty cool song. Keep writing! I'd like to see more.
#4
Thanks milo for the extensive breakdown of it, it really helps! I'll make sure to put your opinions into mind
#5
All I can say is two things. One, I am jealous I didn't think of this before you. It's really well-done, because It's very powerful yet still so full of humanity. Makes me think of an extension to that opening part of 'Dazed and Confused' by Led Zeppelin. Also, I think this would be great if you put it into song form. Put in a refrain and possibly a few more stanzas, and it would be a song I would definatly buy off itunes. Hope you read my songs and tell me what you think.