#1
Come swallow,
All of your lies,
A government by and for the people,
Fall on, get speared by the steeple...

Ill watch as you burn,
Turning heads so fast the necks snap...

Fu*k your judicial,
Fu*k your credentials,
I dont need it,
I dont want it,
Fu*k your officials,
God damned superficial,
Bullsh*t world tied by your puppet string,
Fu*k you,
I pledge allegiance to nothing!

*Okay I know its sloppy but I needed to get it out there to see if I should even pursue this...
And sorry bout the language...
Heres part of the next line stuff...

Oh say cant you see,
What can no longer be,
A symbol of justice and of opportunity?!
By this rockets red glare,
Flying off to somewhere,
Another mushroom cloud done prepared,
And explodes.

crit and ill get it later....
Last edited by YesteryrStories at Nov 23, 2008,
#2
This is a very good song in my opinion, especially if it is a punk or thrash song. I wish i could write songs this good.
Equiptment:

Bass: Yamaha RBX170
Amp: Fender Rumble 100
Pedal: Boss BOD-3 Bass overdrive pedal
#3
It is good, maybe a real song one day, but cut out the language, it is just too vulgar
#4
I dont expect it on the radio or nothing so the language doesnt really matter but I just didnt want to offend any of you guys on here.
#5
I like where this is going.

I think the language is actually an important part of the tone.

I'm liking the way you're bringing in lyrics from the anthem,
but for a more meaningful message, try to turn them around in meaning rather than just using them.
If that makes any sense.

I hope I'm being helpful.
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#6
This piece doesn't convince me that you know what you're talking about and instead makes me feel a sense of immaturity.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#7
Are we not all immature deep down? We put on masks to hide how we feel and after enough time our skin grows to those masks..... Immaturity is what I wanted in it. Its not the adults who are going to get affected by our leaders choices so much as it is our children, if you understand that at all... We elect the leaders while our children suffer from our mistakes. Not trying to get all political, but I live in Texas and alot of the kids here wanted Obama b/c theyre tired of hearing their grandparents use racial slurs. These kids cant vote, theyre relying on the adults to choose whats right. What if the adults were wrong?
The "opportunity" part of the song was directed towards the immigration issue. America was once a place where people could go to hide from religious and or cultural persecution, to hide from faliing economies and so on and now we have people here trying to close off our borders? American = every single other race and religion out there, yes over-population is a problem but hey, Japans makin it out alright and theyve got more people than us right?
Sorry I just dont want to end up in a bigger war and it seems like thats where we are headed. Yeah obama says he wants to end the war but if he does and it gets worse then what? Maybe one day we'll have that utopia dreamland sort of life...
Anybody get what Im preachin about here?
#8
No, Japan does not have "more people than us." Over-population issues have nothing to do with the hatred in human nature, but the immaturity to make responsible decisions, as we see so often in Sri-Lanka, China, and on Maury.

You bring up some good points, both in your "preaching" and in the piece, however sparingly. It is immature, it is childish, and could make a very good punk song, but I think you could be missing the idea you're attempting to exploit. People don't grow up and mellow out and put on masks to hide how they really feel unless that is their desired rate of effectiveness upon the world, and obviously not a very prominent one.

Making a difference is like getting into shows for free - talk like you know what's going on, and walk like you know exactly where you're going, whether you do or not, and by the time anyone notices, you're backstage. Hence the 'walk the walk, talk the talk.' philosophy. You may not agree right now, but one day, you'll try to remember where you learned it