#1
This is a song that a came up when the rest of the band was just jamming. We never really get the chance to and we're starting to get serious, so I started to write lyrics that sort of fell in tune with the guitar. This is the exact copy of the first draft and I'd like some feedback on it.

I ask you now
How do you cope with nothing?
The feeling of despair,
the hole of rotting,
hope passing from ear to ear
You see the talent bleeding
from everyone else
and you're on an island
(2 line break for drum intro)
and you're on an island
feeling stranded
even with others
you still feel the pain

I have to find my home
Somewhere I can call my own
I want to be loved
Not just resented
I want to feel Alive
And not just living

How can you tell,
how I'm feeling?
You've never seen the real me
I doubt you even care
You see me and I'm just there
Just go play your games
and leave me on my own
on my so called home

I have to find my home
Somewhere I can call my own
I want to be loved
Not just resented
I want to feel Alive
And not just living

(solo break, guitar one, guitar two. 1:40 vocal break)

Now I realize
that it isn't so bad
The light of hope
should shine the way
Now I have a palce to be
You see my talents shine
and now the crowd sees
The crowd sees

I have to find my home
Somewhere I can call my own
I want to be loved
Not just resented
I want to feel Alive
And not just living

I have found my home
I have tasted real being alive
No longer an outcast
We laugh, we learn, we live, we love
As One (fade)

C4C, any kind of constructive critism is appreciated.
#2
Quote by manhangi
This is a song that a came up when the rest of the band was just jamming. We never really get the chance to and we're starting to get serious, so I started to write lyrics that sort of fell in tune with the guitar. This is the exact copy of the first draft and I'd like some feedback on it.

I ask you now
How do you cope with nothing?
nice
The feeling of despair,
the hole of rotting,
hope passing from ear to ear
You see the talent bleeding
cool imagery
from everyone else
and you're on an island
(2 line break for drum intro)
and you're on an island
unless it fits perfectly, it might be cooler and more meaningful to nix the 'on'
feeling stranded
even with others
you still feel the pain

I have to find my home
Somewhere I can call my own
I want to be loved
Not just resented
this is a meh line. it feels like filler
I want to feel Alive
And not just living
excellent
How can you tell,
how I'm feeling?
You've never seen the real me
I doubt you even care
You see me and I'm just there
Just go play your games
and leave me on my own
on my so called home
i really feel like this stanza isnt as strong. it comes off a little whiney

I have to find my home
Somewhere I can call my own
I want to be loved
Not just resented
I want to feel Alive
And not just living

(solo break, guitar one, guitar two. 1:40 vocal break)

Now I realize
that it isn't so bad
The light of hope
should shine the way
Now I have a palce to be
You see my talents shine
and now the crowd sees
The crowd sees
its a logical wrap up, and not a bad one at that

I have to find my home
Somewhere I can call my own
I want to be loved
Not just resented
I want to feel Alive
And not just living

I have found my home
I have tasted real being alive
No longer an outcast
We laugh, we learn, we live, we love
As One (fade)

C4C, any kind of constructive critism is appreciated.


not bad at all for a first effort man
good work, keep doin it
~b
c4c?:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460
#3
Alright thanks for the crit, I have kind of decided to omit the "on" of the first verse after a few more sing thrus with the band trying a few edits out. I might re-do the 2nd verse even though its' very personal to me (and I'd bet a lot of people who have an inferiority complex too) because its' kind of describing a depression. I might try to find better words for the last three lines of the second stanza because I think everything else works.

For the chorus section I don't really know what to put there but its' logical order. Something like this i felt might be better but I came up with this like 2 seconds ago.


I have to find my home
Somewhere I can call my own
I want to be loved
And not forgotten
I want to feel Alive
And not just living

thanks for the crit again. Tell me what you think of possible changes.