#1
The sign-language interpreter,
three steps behind,
four steps beside
a high school student singing "God bless America,"
translating to gym bleachers
filled with the blind:
She really says
"Everything is is is
but it wasn't too"
Instead of "land that
I love" as if
they could care.

The extinct species,
fossilized in Wyoming,
excavated with care
by a lost forty-niner looking for tin,
joining the permanence
of cosmic time:
99% of all species
ever on earth
are extinct,
but that doesn't mean
the other 1%
are alive.
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Nov 25, 2008,
#2
i'll come back and do a full crit, but i just wanted to drop a "this is really great" so i don't forget
#3
Quote by DorkusMalorkus
The sign-language translator,
three steps behind,
four steps beside
a high school student singing "God bless America"
Translating to gym bleachers
filled with the blind.
She really says
"Everything is is is
but it wasn't too."
Instead of "land that
I love" as if
they would notice. this just drips so deep in cynicism, i love it! The "everything is is is but it wasn't too" was brilliant. This reminds me of the Robin WIlliams thing he did at the Oscars or Logies or whatever it was, where he did the bizarre sign language. That's the image i get in my head when i read this

The extinct species,
fossilized in Wyoming,
excavated with care
by a lost forty-niner looking for tin,
joining the permanence
of cosmic time.
99% of all species
ever on earth
are extinct,
but that doesn't mean
the other 1%
is alive.


This is a really great piece, that could be taken a lot of different ways. The cynicism in this piece really appeals to me, and the last line is pure class. Sorry i didn't have much to say in the end.
#5
The extinct species,
fossilized in Wyoming,
excavated with care
by a lost forty-niner looking for tin,
joining the permanence
of cosmic time.
99% of all species
ever on earth
are extinct,
but that doesn't mean
the other 1%
is alive.


^ I loved that. Specifically the last 6. However, I didn't like the first at all. Loved the idea of the sign languae thing. But I just don't feel you combined that enough with the second to justify the fact it sort of draws the second stanza down. Both are good on their own, but I fail to see a strong enough connection to warrant each one tainting the other by being in the same piece. I really would have loved this a lot more if they were separated some how. Like a

i.

asldhakjbdaw


ii.

asdaobsd


type thing or something. So we know they overlap some how, but I'm not trying to find a direct connection between the two sentiments. I mean, I see some levels of connection, ut my mind was reeling trying to tie it all up. Thanks for getting to mine.
#6
My thoughts are pretty the same as Zach's. I really enjoyed each stanza on it's own, but had too much trouble tying them together.

And I think that the last line would sound better with "are" instead of "is", but maybe that's just me.
#7
The sign-language translator,
three steps behind,
four steps beside
a high school student singing "God bless America"
Translating to gym bleachers
I think it reads better without this second "translating" here.
filled with the blind.
She really says
"Everything is is is
but it wasn't too."
Instead of "land that
I love" as if
they would notice.
Nice. I liked this a lot. The first quote was somewhat hard to follow, I guess.

The extinct species,
fossilized in Wyoming,
excavated with care
by a lost forty-niner looking for tin,
Made me lol.
joining the permanence
of cosmic time.
99% of all species
ever on earth
are extinct,
but that doesn't mean
the other 1%
is alive.
Should be "are" I think. The other 1% represents an entire group of species.

I liked this whole thing a lot. It's probably one of the best poems I've read from you. It's beautifully cynical the whole time, and you have several interesting ideas presented here. Very, very nice job.
#8
Zach, I was thinking of doing something like that to separate them but I figured the title would make it self-explanatory that they are separate, but belong under the same title. It was hard for me to make that call because I knew it but I didn't know what the read would think.

I think the "translating" was necessary for it to make sense.

I don't know about the is/are thing with the 1%. You say "team is" even though the team refers to a group of people, but I don't know if that holds true with a percentage.

Thanks for the comments, all.
#9
<33
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
I was having a hard time finding words for this. knowing they're separate pieces for sure helps. I really loved the second one. Nothing at all to complain about, eh. that whole 1% thing, it's representing species, so imo it should be "are", but I believe that both work here. So it's up to you I guess .

In the first one, I do believe though that translator/translating could be better. maybe something else? deciphering? decrypting? or maybe an image for the translator. I love the whole meaning of this all. I'm unsure if "notice" is strong enough of a word. I'd love something with more impact. But that is up to you.

I did enjoy this, my friend. Please keep 'em coming.


mat
#12
I liked that you removed the double "translate" but I think there's something off in the first five lines tense-wise. It almost feels as if it's missing a verb.

Looking again, changing "translating" to "translates" makes it grammatically correct. Adding an "is" before "translating" works as well, but its a much weaker verb, I'd think.

The changes were definitely slight, but for the better. Still love it, Alex.
#13
Wow, best piece up here in a while. Killer skills.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#14
Quote by SilenceEvolves
I liked that you removed the double "translate" but I think there's something off in the first five lines tense-wise. It almost feels as if it's missing a verb.

Looking again, changing "translating" to "translates" makes it grammatically correct. Adding an "is" before "translating" works as well, but its a much weaker verb, I'd think.

The changes were definitely slight, but for the better. Still love it, Alex.
Well it wasn't supposed to be a sentence. It was more like: Two souls....*this doing this* "say something about it" second stanza "that doing that* "say something else." The use of a gerund was there to establish the "soul," I suppose. I do it in the first six lines of both stanzas.

I stuck in colons to make it more clear.