#1
Hey guys, I'd like to know what you think of it and what meaning you take from it :-) . Also, C4C !

The coke on your nose masks the bags of your eyes,
It's that time of the night when innocence dies.
I've seen so many clubs they blend into one,
The thump of the bass and beat of the drum.

You've found the meaning of life when the molly kicks in,
are you glad you skipped your date?
From all that time avoiding the sin bin,
enjoy yourselves, before it's too late.

Finally babe, I'm coming back again,
about to be shot into space,
the only place I've ever felt home.

I can touch my nose and walk that line,
Yeah man, I can do it every damn time.
The alphabet's easy, it's a piece of cake,
I'll **** your exhaust before I spend a night in the tank.

It's the meaning of life when innocence dies.
Last edited by metalfan#3 at Nov 24, 2008,
#3
Eh - not too good.
I don't really like it, to be honest.

Although, this part --

The coke on your nose masks the bags of your eyes,
It's that time of the night when innocence dies.
I've seen so many clubs they blend into one,
The thump of the bass and beat of the drum.

--- has potential.
The rest of the lyrics just throw the whole song off.
It needs some serious work.


This song seems to obviously mean that someone is either
a) getting drunk for the first time, b) having s!x for the first time, or c) getting high
for the first time.
#4
thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. I agreewith nikola that the first verse is good, especially the first two lines. Second stanza could use some work. I liked the first line (though I'm not sure if molly is the right word). I'm not too sure about the second line there. (It jsut seems like a weird question) and in the third line "sin bin" just doesn't sound right. Third stanza was good, but I think it needs a little bit of tweaking. The flow just seems off. Fourth stanza, last line is a bit graphic for my taste, (but that may just be me) I loved the closing line though. Anyways, I really wish you would have kept up with the whole night club setting you established in the first stanza. (Think Studio 54). However, I really did like the tone of the piece. The whole "I didn't give a sh1t" attitude made for a good read. Hope this crit helped you out.
#5
Thanks for the crits guys.

I'm definitely going to be overhauling it, the 4 line verses need some work.

And the meaning behind it is that it's about a person who has given up all hope on being 'good' or 'holy' in life, and he's so drug-addled that he doesn't care about anything except enjoying himself anymore, which I believe can be a part in unlocking true happiness - finding what you enjoy and doing it. Who cares about self-preservation, you know? We're going to enjoy ourselves as much as possible when we can.

But thanks for the crit, volta.
#6
Ok, Just to kick around some ideas and help you with your re write I decided to do a little re write of my own. Hope this helps with any ideas you have for finishing this piece. Got a chorus yet?

The coke on your nose masks the bags of your eyes,
It's that time of the night when innocence dies.
I've seen so many clubs they blend into one,
The thump of the bass and beat of the drum.

The conscience denial of the avoidance of sin
Is quite possibly the point at which our lives begin
An orgy, a bottle, a bong, or a straw
Signposts of progress against the law

Finally babe, I'm all strapped in
ready to be shot into space again
That moment of wonder high and alone
the only place I've ever felt home.

I can touch my nose and walk that line,
Yeah man, I can do it every damn time.
The alphabets easy, my seriousness fake
I cry with laughter at my narrow escapes

C4C

Sweet Agony
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1004943