#1
don't know what i think about this one, bit different for me. Let me know what you think. C4C as always.

on listening to billy collins

if I could capture brilliance
I would
throw it onto the page
pin it down
and beat the **** out of it
until it spilled forth its secrets
projectile vomited its wholeness into my soul

sometimes I feel
I can take no more
but still I sit
hoping against hope
that gentle seed
floating through the air
will gestate in my brain
and spread its roots deep down
into my core
into my heart
and rip forth something wonderful,
like child birth – only without the pain
Last edited by kdownes at Dec 2, 2008,
#3
on listening to billy collins
I'd heard that name before, but I didn't know off the top of my head who it was, so I Wikipedia'd it and found this cool quote -- "As I'm writing, I'm always reader conscious. I have one reader in mind, someone who is in the room with me, and who I'm talking to, and I want to make sure I don't talk too fast, or too glibly. Usually I try to create a hospitable tone at the beginning of a poem. Stepping from the title to the first lines is like stepping into a canoe. A lot of things can go wrong." I've read a couple poems of his -- particularly that one about 9/11, now that I think about it. Never mind, on to your poem.

if I could capture brilliance
I would
throw it onto the page
pin it down
and beat the **** out of it
until it spilled forth its secrets
projectile vomited its wholeness into my soul
Only complaint here would be that I think it'd read better as "until it projectile vomited its secrets / and its wholeness into my soul". Saying both "spilled forth" and "projectile vomited" adds a ton of syllables to a stanza with relatively short lines.

listening to brilliance – as I am at the moment –
I'd remove "as I am at the moment", because I think the tense, the title, and the first part of this line expresses the idea well enough.
is a task that is both taxing
yet rewarding
for I feel if I listen
in my isolated silence
I don't like this line. Talking about silence in a poem about listening strikes me as odd, and unless I'm missing an idea, I don't think it's really adding anything here. You can express the idea of being alone or isolated in a better way, in my opinion. It also disrupts the natural flow of thought between "for I feel if I listen / just long enough".
just long enough
perhaps a seed of brilliance
Don't like the repetition of "brilliance". I think it's unnecessary.
blown forth through my speakers
will gestate in my brain
and spread its roots deep down
into my core
into my heart
and rip forth something wonderful,
like child birth – only without the pain
Love the comparison of child birth here, as if this is to be taken straightforwardly (and I think it is, for the most part), I'd agree that writing a poem is similar to having a child -- it's a part of you, reincarnate.

I mostly agree with Dorkus's sentiment that the first half of this was significantly stronger than the latter stanza. I do think, taken as a whole, this is definitely a solid poem that's worth revising and holding on to. You exhibit an honesty about your writings here that I can appreciate. A pleasurable read, to say the least.
#4
Quote by kdownes
don't know what i think about this one, bit different for me. Let me know what you think. C4C as always.

on listening to billy collins

if I could capture brilliance
I would
throw it onto the page
pin it down
and beat the **** out of it
until it spilled forth its secrets
projectile vomited its wholeness into my soul
First things first, put punctuation in this, mate, it makes the reading easier... Secondly, this is f'king amazing ! The best thing I've read from you, ever.

listening to brilliance – as I am at the moment –
is a task that is both taxing
yet rewarding
for I feel if I listen
in my isolated silence
just long enough
perhaps a seed of brilliance
I don't like the repetition of "brilliance" in here. Still, this piece persists amazing.
blown forth through my speakers
will gestate in my brain
and spread its roots deep down
into my core
into my heart
and rip forth something wonderful,
like child birth – only without the pain
Again, nothing to thrash...


So... this is brilliant.

Nothing else to say
#5
thanks guys, i'll take all your comments on board. This was like a two minute botch job while i was lsitening to my billy collins CD, so it's very rough.
#6
The first stanza I did not like. The second was good. "Child birth without the pain" nice. Appreciated the bump, thanks!
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#7
Last line, stanza one, I felt had far too many syllables. Add a line break or something like that.

"as I am at the moment" is, well, useless.
We can work that out from the title, and even if we (the reader) can't, it doesn't matter.

"A seed of brilliance" is an annoying repetition of brilliance, you've used that word twice already, synonym please.

"in my brain//into my core/into my heart" annoyed me, and I'm not really sure why, repetition perhaps, or lack of explanation, or "and". I don't know, maybe someone else can help.


Nice one liner at the end, I love them.

Thanks for critiquing mine, you are possibly one of the most helpful users on here (apart from the God Level S&L-ers) and I think everyone owes you something. I...aspire to be like you are on here.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 30, 2008,
#8
Wow, thanks guys. I'm going to revise this soon, i'm just stuck in the middle of something right now.
#9
Quote by kdownes
don't know what i think about this one, bit different for me. Let me know what you think. C4C as always.

on listening to billy collins

if I could capture brilliance
I would
throw it onto the page
pin it down
and beat the **** out of it
I don't like the line breaks in this section. I can certainly see what you are aiming for, but I feel it would suit better more simply; less controversial - try and use more straight up methods - which forces the reader to ponder on the bigger picture, instead of finer details.
I also actually believe this would work better without the vulgar language. Maybe just a simple "and beat it up?" Of course, you would have to rearrange the line breaks and make slight alterations, but I wanted you to do that anyway, so great! I anticipate that it will add this a little dull lifelessness - contradicting with the anger aspect sharply - which would stop it from being overly childish and angry, allowing the reader to focus on the beautiful but unhelpful life associated with music and creation.
You could of focused on so many things here. I like that. It's totally contrary to the point of the piece. It makes it wickedly twisted and I love it for that.

until it spilled forth its secrets
projectile vomited its wholeness into my soul
I like the cheesiness you have in this. Suits it very well.

listening to brilliance – as I am at the moment –
is a task that is both taxing
Meh, don't really care too much for this. But it has to be said, I guess. I get the essence of what you are trying to convey, but I feel like it could be better, if you get my drift?
yet rewarding
Don't like this break.
for I feel if I listen
in my isolated silence
just long enough
I just can't help but feel that this could be written better. I reckon you should remove most of the fancy and quick line breaks and replace them with something else. I'm still deliberating as to what that might be, so maybe I'll re-read another day and explain what I have come up with.
perhaps a seed of brilliance
blown forth through my speakers
will gestate in my brain
and spread its roots deep down
into my core
into my heart
I like these line breaks.
and rip forth something wonderful,
like child birth – only without the pain
I love the pregnancy relation. It feels totally pointless, but yet it does have relation, just in a very quirky manner.


Very quirky, interesting and simple.

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