#1
Something i wrote in class we were talking about the war in iraq so yeah...

I take the gun off the rack getting ready for the fight.
Hoping wishing i can make it through the night.
Fighting and dying in this terrible heat.
My mate stepped on a mine yesterday and it blew off both his feet.
I watched him die that night.
I heard his screams of pain.
And all of the blood it flowed like rain.
Surviving this nightmare day after day.
I still dont understand why im here.


Please give constructive criticsm, tips, help.

Thankyou
#2
I like the flow of the song. You should write some more.
VIVA LA REVOLUTION
#4
Originally I wrote this for someone else; but I feel it fits your situation perfectly.


Quote by zanascross

This is why I hate to see political pieces.

You (a writer who has a lot of potential and good ideas) are simply not yet well-equipped enough to take on something like this and not come across with the same flat and uninteresting points as every punk-band ever. Writing something politically charged without sounding like a broken record of angry poets past is something very few can do. This was unanimated and honestly, felt uninspired. I mean, there has to be inspiration for it to be written down... but it feels like your inspiration was simply to write something with the "hey man" kind of tone... and apply it to everything you are pissed about or see wrong with the world. You said nothing new, nothing interesting, and didn't even really put an original spin on old ideas. Nothing about this grabbed me save for the tone; which makes me feel like you wasted what could have been a really good feel for a piece (in the conversational style) on something that would have been better suited for some form of anger or at least some form of emotion in the tone instead of something calm.

My honest opinion: do this again in a year. I don't think you're ready for this yet. I know I'm still not and I've been writing semi-seriously for more than a year now. And when you do revisit this; don't be so front on about it... write about it in a way that doesn't scream your ideas.. otherwise it will be hard to take this any more seriously than Sid Vicious. There is a special tact needed for writing politically charge piece, and that tact will form in time. For now, I'd say you'll get a lot of praise from America haters and anarchists and idealists... and rightly so... but from a poetic standpoint, this just doesn't hold much water.

-zC