#1
Couldnt think of another title, I know this title sucks. wrote this procrastinating finishing my essay. Hope you like it. I know I might. C4C. Leave a link. It's about love. olo.


BlackoutBLACKOUTblackoutBLaK (Black Eye Black Out)


The outlets are bone dry
Off white, chipped paint
A cold marrow
With no electricity.

It used to be easy
To plug in a fan
Or a washing machine,
The faint whirring in the walls

A jack-o-lantern
Still rots on the front porch-
When the neighborhood boys
Walk by the house
And throw rocks through the windows,
If they only could have heard the ghosts escape
The first time,
They would have run for their lives

Such a thunderstorm
Stripped the color from the cul-de-sac
For a second
And the power left
To go somewhere else.
Last edited by #1 synth at Nov 24, 2008,
#4
I thought we were gunnu the about The blackout
Quote by Shinobi1791

Damn you Sludge Metal community! We want Trent Reznor back.
#5


BlackoutBLACKOUTblackoutBLaK (Black Eye Black Out)
Ew.

The outlets are bone dry
Off white, chipped paint
A cold marrow
With no electricity.
Liked the rhyme of "dry" and "white". Somewhat redundant here -- because I'd think calling an outlet dry would imply a lack of electricity -- but not overtly so, so I have no complaint here.

It used to be easy
To plug in a fan
Or a washing machine,
The faint whirring in the walls
I think you need something preceding the final line in this stanza ("and hear," maybe). Nice, simple idea here though.

A jack-o-latern
"lantern"
Still rots on the front porch
When the neighborhood boys
Walk by the house
And throw rocks through the windows,
If they only could have heard the ghosts escape
The first time,
They would run for their lives
Would be "they would've/would have" here in the last line, because you said "could have" leading into it, I'd think. Very, very nice here. Love it.

Such a thunderstorm
Stripped the color from the cul-de-sac
For a second
And the power left
To go somewhere else.
"Such a thunderstorm" maybe could have been more descript. Love the idea of stripping away color in the second line. I think maybe it'd read better in the final three lines as "and for a second / the power went somewhere else". I guess what I'm saying is that, "and the power left to go somewhere else" is slightly unnecessarily wordy.

Now that all that's been said though, I think this is spectacular. I love it. It's very succinct, yet still manages to retain your trademark style, and it expresses quite a bit in so few words.
#6
First off, let me say that I'm very unfamiliar with your style of writing. Now, the crit:

Capitals at the beginning of every damn line pissed me off.

I don't like your edit all that much. Seems like the last bit was all that benifitted from it. Everything else just changed place. Maybe I'm missing the point (a very likely result if you've ever seen me), but there didn't seem to be much of a point to it. Some of the lines have that "chopped up and moved around" kinda feel, like "The faint whirring in the walls". I didn't like the line break "for a second". In fact. I didn't like that line at all.

Overall, there were some nice images, but I had this feeling of disconnection from the speaker. I don't think this piece needs it as much, but it still bothered me.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1004572
Return if you want to, though I didn't give much of a crit.
#7
ugh, I hate not capitalising all the lines. I think it looks low-brow and just a stupid way to "get away" from "conventional poetry".

there is definitely a point to it. For a second is needed but I don't really like it either.

Thank you both.
you Corey.
#8
I don't have a huge amount of comments, but I did very much enjoy this. The last stanza looks better without the first word, and makes it a little more 'descript' as he said, but I disagree with him on the wordiness issue. I think it's good as-is.

And throw rocks through the windows,
If they only could have heard the ghosts escape
The first time,
They would run for their lives

This, however, is amazing, and is the beacon of the piece for me. This tells me more than I needed to know about where you were coming from, but not in a bad way. It's just enough, as a matter of fact. Good stuff.
#9
I liked.

Not your best, not close, but I liked.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
I liked this one a lot. There was something really unpretentious about it, I felt, but at the same time it seemed very at home on this forum (sorry everyone, I'm not saying this place is pretentious, you know what I mean, right?).

All of what I had to say was covered by other posts, so the above was the rest of my two cents-one cent, rather.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1006316
#11
Hey Dylan. Let me try and sum my thoughts accurately. I think this is alright, but not deserving all the praise it gets.

The imagery was alright, nothing astonishing. The jack-o-lantern rotting line was pretty cool, but I think you've used that before, right?

I really am having a hard time with the second stanza. Maybe it's the small intrusion of past tense that makes it slightly inaccurate. Or maybe the fact that it adds nearly nothing to the piece. It used to be easy to whom? And what has changed now that it ain't anymore? All I get from these lines is that now it's silent. Which I could easily guess from the wording of the previous and upcoming stanza. The setting is filled with death (bones, ghosts) and abandon. of course it's silent. Also, the last line isn't grammatically introduced properly.

The rest is pretty good writing, formally speaking. I think your punchline is very ineffective, because it doesn't bring anything new to the piece. We know there is no power. We knew it by the end of the first stanza. So why build up to get back here?

Also, we don't know anything about who was there, why it has turned this way, what happened. This feels like a part of something, that doesn't achieve anything on it's own. That's why, after reading it, I was left wondering why I read it. You just wrote about some seemingly abandoned place and some boys coming in throwing rocks through the windows. Every other element brought in is incomplete enough for the reader not being able to get anything specific out of it.

It was well written, but as a standalone piece of poetry, falls shorts of many standards imho. I hope you understand what I mean? let me know.

take care,
mat
<3