#1
I remembered today
a Christmas several years back
when I sat on your lap
and you laughed when I screamed
after opening an Optimus Prime toy.

and I remembered last weekend,
when you cleaned up an ex-deacon's widow's backyard.
I never showed up, I was busy drinking.

I spent the morning
recovering from last night
while you had a heart attack
on the church lawn.
I tried to justify your condition
as I drove to the hospital --
you're old enough to die,
but it just don't feel right.

half your church was waiting
in the Open Heart ICU,
I sat there silently
reading some heathen book
until the doctor showed up --
stuck in the fleeting moment
before he defined
which tears I'd cry,
I hoped your god loved you
near as much as you loved us.

I got to see you --
half-awake,
fidgeting beneath a blanket,
smaller than you'd ever been;
the color had returned to your face.
I wanted to assure you
I'd be there at church next weekend
but when you whispered, "Hi Sport,"
I just said "Hi"
and smiled back at you.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Nov 25, 2008,
#2
I don't even want to criticize this. That was plain beautiful. It made me really sad as I got through it.
And now I'm left smiling.

That was brilliant, man.

edit : ah, reading over and over again, it should be doesn't in the last line of S3.
also, I just wish it rhymed, man.
Last edited by circular.parade at Nov 24, 2008,
#3
Amazing
i just really love the last line, however im, not getting the same feel from the 1st stanza than i am with the rest of the piece
Still great though
#4
Quote by circular.parade

edit : ah, reading over and over again, it should be doesn't in the last line of S3.


I'll teach you colloquialisms one day.

--

Corey, **** man.
****.

<3

Those last three lines, this piece, ****.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
i just think you should make 'last weekend' and 'last night' more cleanly delineated. just for comprehensibility. other than that this was sweet and real well-put. very good. (but it didn't rhyme )
#6
This was one of my favorites from you. Heartfelt, well put, sad, emotional, and moving.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
this blew everything else i've ever read by you so far out of the water they may as well not exist. This was moving, beautiful and grabs you right by the throat. I especially loved "before he defined which tears I'd cry"
#8
Quote by kdownes
this blew everything else i've ever read by you so far out of the water they may as well not exist.


now, now. Corey's always been good.
#10
this is so worth procrastinating an essay for.
This is so worth skipping an essay for.
I adored this from both a technical and content view...
Except you really need to make it rhyme.
come on, boy, shape up.
#11
That's amazingly beautiful.
If it rhymed - I could play it on my acoustic guitar and make tabs
and chords for it, etc. [;
#12
Very beautiful, I really don't even want to criticize it. But I can't help but do it anyway.

My big problem that left me confused was lines 6-9. I don't get how all of this took place. Maybe it's because it is late and I can't understand it anymore. Perhaps my brain is failing me. I thought you were drinking and never showed up to help clean up because of the heart-attack from which you are recovering. But then how does he show up at all to clean it up? I'm thoroughly dumbfounded.

Secondly, Optimus Prime dated the piece, took me away from the beauty of it. It made it blunt and too real in an unnecessary way. I just prefer it to be less...dated is perhaps the word I'm looking for.

Third, I didn't like "sup" because it just engenders such a character in me. This...jock, too cool for school kind of cat. That just shatters the beauty of the poem.

But don't let that undercut what I thought of this. IT WAS ****ING GREAT. Beautiful. I loved so many lines, I don't know where to begin.
#13
Quote by DorkusMalorkus
My big problem that left me confused was lines 6-9. I don't get how all of this took place. Maybe it's because it is late and I can't understand it anymore. Perhaps my brain is failing me. I thought you were drinking and never showed up to help clean up because of the heart-attack from which you are recovering. But then how does he show up at all to clean it up? I'm thoroughly dumbfounded.


Maybe if I put an "I remember when, last weekend..." in that stanza, as you and Evan have both commented on that now. He cleaned up their yard. I was reminiscing about it there in the beginning, after learning about the heart attack presumably.
-heart attack was today
-recovering (hungover was too ugly a word for me) was from last night but taking place today
-me abandoning him was last weekend
-Christmas was at an untold (and irrelevant) point of my childhood.

Secondly, Optimus Prime dated the piece, took me away from the beauty of it. It made it blunt and too real in an unnecessary way. I just prefer it to be less...dated is perhaps the word I'm looking for.


That was one of the thoughts I had while writing this, I think it even might have originally been "some toy" rather than specific. So I agree with you here.

Third, I didn't like "sup" because it just engenders such a character in me. This...jock, too cool for school kind of cat. That just shatters the beauty of the poem.


I agree somewhat here too. "Sup" is more accurate, and it is supposed to convey a certain callousness, but I felt it might be a little too colloquial. Perhaps "Hi" would suffice.

There's more I wanted to say, but I don't have time to respond to anything else right now so thanks everyone!

edit: I'll say it now though.

Mat, thanks a ton. You're right about doesn't, but as other Cory says later, it was colloquial. I think I like it better as "don't".

Chuckles, you don't rhyme.

Vinny, I feel ya. The first stanza wasn't really supposed to feel like the rest, as it was more about a younger, more innocent me than the rest of it -- unless you meant something different by that.

Cory, <3

Evan, I agree with you on that point as I noted earlier in responding to Mr. Malorkus. Thanks a lot.

Jimi, thank yo so much.

Kyle, thanks, I think

Evan again, good lookin' out bro.

Mr. Retard, you're smarter than you think!

Dylan, you better have done your essay :p Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

Nickolas, thank you! What does rhyming got to do with chords though?

Dorkus, who's name I should absolutely know, I responded in depth to your post earlier, but thanks again. I really appreciate your thoughts here, and I agree with almost everything you've said. I appreciate both the praise and the criticism
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Nov 25, 2008,
#14
This is great. I disagree with the people who said that it's not that great because it doesn't rhyme. I think it takes real talent to write something that really flows without using rhymes. And that's what you've done. Brilliant.
I'm The New Cancer. Never Looked Better. You Can't Stand It. :stickpoke
#15
Quote by SilenceEvolves
Dorkus, who's name I should absolutely know, I responded in depth to your post earlier, but thanks again. I really appreciate your thoughts here, and I agree with almost everything you've said. I appreciate both the praise and the criticism
Alex :]

I've no clue of anyone's name here. I'm terrible at names. I'm learning though.
#16
yeah corey, i am sure you are goingt o strike a lot of chords with this one, cause it is certainly relatable on many different levels, and the potiental regret here really does hold up the piece nicely.
#17
We sometimes lose the heartfelt when we begin cleaning up what we have written. I say don't change a thing. It's beauty was in the unedited rawness. Good Work.
#18
I really really liked this - personally i don't care it didn't rhyme it nearly made me cry!!!

I think a couple of people mentioned the Transformers ref, i didn't think it added anything to the song and as someone else already pointed out it dated it.

Other than that it is a beautifully written piece and i'm on my way to check out other stuff you've done!