#1
a fool moon.

over the years
the similar fears
of holding dear
sequences,
the memorable tears
has taken their share
of despair and repair
upon the smile
of a man once familiar.

he couldn't collect
the girl's intellect,
the effected respect
of one's introspect;
he jammed it back in-
to a favorable win
that is now fading
slowly
to atonement.

the narrower path
to achieve
the lost math,
that equation that
came without
notice or aim
that locked those
two in
to a world of
beginnings and
endings that should
never have ended
as it did;
was lost in the midst
of complexity's kiss
and is smashing
your mother's good china
again.

but,

the rhyme and the rhythm
essentially driven
to ink
by the pain of perspective
that's given
from hidden ambitions
and newer additions
to
expression of thought
from a writer's
intentions

should've never been
reduced to this, and

i'm so incredibly sorry.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Nov 24, 2008,
#3
hip-hoppin' along, eh? It's fun.


he couldn't collect
the girl's intellect,
the effected respect
of one's introspect;

especially cool, and the words tell me you know it It kind of drops the infallible rhythm of -what. it. is.- just aftr that, and it's not really picked back up until the rhyme and the rhythm come in stunningly.

It reads like something that was written on the fly, like one of those times you're just walking down the street, repeating a rhyme over and over, trying to elaborate on it until you can't remember the first part anymore, and instantly regretting not having a pen because that first part was good. Damnit, it's gone. Here's the rest of it, you know?

Also, because of how it seems it was written (and I give myself the credit that I could be completely wrong about this), I don't think it would benefit from editing to make it "better", but would indeed benefit from accepting it as a pattern of thoughts that happened one cool, autumn day.

Upon a second reading,

to a world of
beginnings and
endings that should
never have ended
as it did;
was lost in the midst
of complexity's kiss
and is smashing
your mother's good china
again.

I thought this was especially insightful. Why do moms always treasure the incredibly unused china in the hutch more than life itself? We'll never know.
#4
this was brilliant, really flowed something magical. Very fun to read too. I'll read over this a few more times, then hit you up properly if i feel i can
#5
muchas gracias, fellas.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
You have such a talent for words, the rhymes mostly all make sense and dont sound forced.
Quote by Ylasto
R.I.P Ean.

Are there any other members of Lynyrd Skynyrd who are dead?
#7
a fool moon.

over the years
the similar fears
of holding dear
sequences,
the memorable tears
has* taken their share
of despair and repair
upon the smile
of a man once familiar.

this stanza is hard to read, some more punctuation?

he couldn't collect
the girl's intellect,
the effected* respect
of one's introspect*;
he jammed it back in-
to a favorable win
that is now fading
slowly
to atonement.

the narrower path
to achieve
the lost math,
that equation that
came without
notice or aim
that locked those
two in
to a world of
beginnings and
endings that should
never have ended
as it did;
was lost in the midst
of complexity's kiss
and is smashing
your mother's good china
again.

but,

the rhyme and the rhythm
essentially driven
to ink
by *the pain of perspective*
that's given
from hidden ambitions
and newer additions
to
expression of thought
from a writer's
intentions

should've never been
reduced to this, and

i'm so incredibly sorry..

did you mean 'affected', cause i don't quite get 'effected' in that context

Starred random words I didn't like. as far as I know introspect isn't a word, though that doesn't have to bother you i suppose. irritates me a little though, lol.

Shouldn't 'has' be have. The rest are basically thing that I think you're stretching out simply to fill a scheme you have, as opposed to the concept deserving that many words.

bolded bits i especially like


I liked it over all, but I found the shortness of the lines hampered my reading whenever the fluid rhymes stopped, not always an enjkoyable thing.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#9
I lack the ability to correctly express to you my affection towards you as a writer, and this piece of writing, and what all of it means to me.

Sorry.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
I generally avoid posting in your threads because I find little to criticize in them and tons of praise already preceding me, but I just thought I'd let you know that I love your writing, by and large.

As for this particular poem, I agree with pretty much everything Spike said above.

And, for the record, don't listen to meh!, "introspect" is definitely a word.
#11
wow. a lot of rhyming... and that usually annoys me. But in your case it doesn't. Because it was actually done really well.
And I thought it was actually good.
You've got me beat by far.
I'm The New Cancer. Never Looked Better. You Can't Stand It. :stickpoke
Last edited by TheNewCancer92 at Nov 25, 2008,
#12
No, you're right, it is.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#13
Couldn't pull much out of it. Flow was there, but I couldn't pick up on the meaning.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#14
I wasn't really a fan of the 'path' 'math' rhyme, and a few others bothered me, but i ignored them cause i uderstand what your intention was here. i guess just over all, rhyming just doesn't really mix well with me, but that is okay, cause this piece broke that shell that usually confines a piece of this structure.

i could feel the emotion by the end, which is something i wasn't expecting half way through. well done to you again.
#15
Quote by Chris
fpor a while you were less rhymey and more rambly and i liked that.
oh, i'm still rambly, kind sir.
it's just;
sometimes the rhyme
designs my intentions
a tad better,
i find.

Quote by Nick
Couldn't pull much out of it. Flow was there, but I couldn't pick up on the meaning.
I'll go as far as to say, "separation." I think you could decipher from then on, but if not man, feel free to PM me and I'll break it down for you no problem.

To the rest, thank you very much for the kind words.
I'll try to return as best as possible.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.