#1
Here I am
In this place
Where I was before I saw your face

Here we go
Through the pain
Why do I want this love to be the same?

I see you
With that guy
Makes me think I should lay down and die

But I try
Every place
Guess my time there is just a waste

Chorus 1:
You’re all I could ever ask for
How could he ever give you more?
Now I’m here, lying on the floor
You’re all I could ever ask for


And I lost my
Chance with you
Hey, why don’t you tell me something that’s new?

I just want you
To be glad
But I feel like I’ve just been had

Where do I
Go from here?
Why am I so full of fear?

When I hear you
Two are through
And you fall, I’ll be there to catch you
Saying

Chorus 2:
You’re all I could ever ask for
I knew he couldn’t give you more
Now I’m singing in the store
You’re all I could ever ask for
#2
Quote by tmann456
Here I am
In this place
Where I was before I saw your face

Here we go
Through the pain
Why do I want this love to be the same?
I really like this stanza, but I think the third line needs to be changed. It doesn't fit to me
I see you
With that guy
Makes me think I should lay down and die

But I try
Every place
Guess my time there is just a waste
The last line kinda sounds cliches to me
Chorus 1:
You’re all I could ever ask for
How could he ever give you more?
Now I’m here, lying on the floor
You’re all I could ever ask for
I don't see how the second line ties in to the song

And I lost my
Chance with you
Hey, why don’t you tell me something that’s new?

I just want you
To be glad
But I feel like I’ve just been had

Where do I
Go from here?
Why am I so full of fear?
This stanza is best in my opinion
When I hear you
Two are through
And you fall, I’ll be there to catch you
Saying

Chorus 2:
You’re all I could ever ask for
I knew he couldn’t give you more
Now I’m singing in the store
You’re all I could ever ask for

Overall I really enjoyed this piece, it could use a little bit of work.
#3
Quote by tmann456
Here I am
In this place
Where I was before I saw your face
Rhyme sounds slightly forced, but still nice.

Here we go
Through the pain
Why do I want this love to be the same?
Last line is slightly wordy.

I see you
With that guy
Makes me think I should lay down and die
Sounds slightly forced again.

But I try
Every place
Guess my time there is just a waste
So-so.

Chorus 1:
You’re all I could ever ask for
How could he ever give you more?
Now I’m here, lying on the floor
You’re all I could ever ask for
Again, rhyming sounds forced.

And I lost my
Chance with you
Hey, why don’t you tell me something that’s new?
Liked the first two lines, but last line is too wordy.

I just want you
To be glad
But I feel like I’ve just been had
Not bad.

Where do I
Go from here?
Why am I so full of fear?
Good.

When I hear you
Two are through
And you fall, I’ll be there to catch you
Saying
I like this, and it leads nicely into the chorus also.
Chorus 2:
You’re all I could ever ask for
I knew he couldn’t give you more
Now I’m singing in the store
You’re all I could ever ask for

Not bad, but slightly cliche, and a lot of rhyming that sounds forced, but there's also a lot I like about it, so I'd say just work on it a bit.

C4C? It's in my sig.
Last edited by herby190 at Jul 17, 2009,
#4
I like the song in general and the flow of it, while i can't exactly place it, it does need a few minor changes here and there. read through a few times and try to reword a few lines to see if it flows better
Free at last! Free at last! God Almighty FREE AT LAST!
I Pan-Tallica
#5
I dislike this.

I want you,
but you're with him.
He can't give you more than I could
but you're still with him.
Now I'm in pain.
Some day he'll break your heart
And I'll mend it.
And we'll live happily ever after.


No metaphors, no images, no clever phrases, no unmistakable rhythm, no ear catching sonics.
Bleh.
Meadows
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#6
Well what you see is what you get with this song but that's not necessarily a bad thing, in my opinion. There are plenty of good songs out there that lay the meaning out explicitly (John Lennon's "Mother" comes to mind). I think the power of this song comes down to your singing of it. If you can evoke the emotions you want through your voice and make yourself vulnerable that way, then I think the song will be successful. Since the words you wrote don't exactly evoke any emotions or make yourself vulnerable, it'll be up to your performance to do the trick. Don't get me wrong, the lyrics are just fine; it's just that like, SomeoneYouKnew said, without those literary devices being used, it's hard for the reader to genuinely feel what you're saying and you're going through. But your voice can make up for it. Listen to "Mother" and I think maybe you'll know what I mean.

Also, I agree that some lines are a bit wordy but that can be easily ironed out.

Good stuff though
here, My Dear, here it is