#1
at the end of the world:


you and me
by the sea
smell the trees
at the end of the world.

how i cried
with you by my side
and the worlds collide
at the end of the world.

this is it,
where it all meets
where it all repeats
at the end of the world.

the times flies by
we say our goodbyes
the end of the sky
the end of july

hold my hand
just like we planned
i just hope you understand
that nothing makes me as glad
then spending day with you.
you and me
by the sea
smell the trees
at the end of the world.


its the first thing i've ever written and actually liked, most of the other stuff i write i end up throwing out because its too corny or it just sucks, but i kinda liked this one, do you guys like it? how can i improve it? make it more melodic?
C4C :P

cheers.
Last edited by Spitz13 at Nov 24, 2008,
#2
Quote by Spitz13

you and me
by the sea
smell the trees
at the end of the world.

how i cried
with you by my side
and the worlds collide
at the end of the world.


At this point, I think that it's just amazing.

Quote by Spitz13

this is it,
where it all meets
where it all repeats
at the end of the world.

I was a little thrown of by the lack of rhyme with the first line, but hey, it's poetic lisence, and I actually kind of enjoy it. Threw me for a bit of a loop, which is always good.

All in all, it's a very well written song. With stuff like this, I'm suprised that you didn't like anything else you wrote. I hope to read more from you in the future. Hope you also return the favor by commenting on some of my lyrics.
#3
I'm glad -you- liked it, but, to be honest - it sucks.
It's got way /too much/ rhythm - some of those lines
could be expanded with more thought and more meaningful words.


This ----
hold my hand
just like we planned
i just hope you understand
that nothing makes me as glad
then spending day with you.

--- goes along with no other part of the song.
Nothing having to do with "the end of the world"
Overall, I'm giving you an F- on this. 54%/100%.
It needs major improvement - I know you've got it in you!
#4
The main thing I don't like about it is the rhyme. There's way way too much of it. I like the message/story you're trying to tell, but the rhyme everywhere just ruined it for me.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#5
Quote by Spitz13
at the end of the world:


you and me
by the sea
smell the trees
at the end of the world.
I thought it was good up until the "smell the trees," which I personally thought was a little out-of-place/random. Don't try too hard with rhyming, just let words flow and work from there.

how i cried
with you by my side
and the worlds collide
at the end of the world.
I thought "and the worlds collide" conflicted with "at the end of the world." What are the two different worlds colliding? I just thought that you're saying "at the end of the world" but not specifing which world you're talking about.

this is it,
where it all meets
where it all repeats
at the end of the world.
I actually like this. Very simple but with alot of meaning.

the times flies by
we say our goodbyes
the end of the sky
the end of july
"the times [fly] by" <- Correction
I thought it was good but maybe find a new 3rd line. The 4th line fits well though.

hold my hand
just like we planned
i just hope you understand
that nothing makes me as glad
then spending day with you.
you and me
by the sea
smell the trees
at the end of the world.
I liked the first 3 lines, but didn't like the 4th and 5th line as much. Again, don't try too hard rhyming, but instead let the words flow. The rhymes here worked well though.


I can tell you're going for a very simplistic but meaningful song. Try not to rhyme so much and just write down what you want to say. I can imagine this song as a very nice melodic slow song with the acoustic in the back. Just spruce it up with mine and everyone else's crits and you'll be set.