#1
the style of writing may not appeal to anyone at all, but i felt that this wasn't something worth complicating. it was initially intended to be spoken like a children's book over a song i'm writing, but i'm not sure if it will. i think this speaks more for me than i meant it to.

peter was a bear.
he slept through the winter months
and dreamed of when the sun would rise
and he would wake to see the sky blue
and the grass green and the trees full.

peter woke one morning and breathed in the warm air.
it must be spring!’ he thought.
peter lumbered outside.
‘oh,’ he said, ‘look at the sky!
look at the grass! look at the trees!’
and then, in a much softer voice,
‘if only i had someone to share this with.’

suddenly a great, grey cloud covered the sun.
peter felt cold, and he pulled his paws in tight.
he looked around, but he could not see any other animals.
peter felt very lonely and sad,
and not even the green grass or the full trees
could make him happy again.
peter started crying very quietly
and his great, brown eyes dropped low.

peter crawled back into his cave.
maybe this is just a nightmare,’ he thought.
he rested his head on his paws and fell back to sleep.
the sky was blue and the grass was green
and the trees were full.
‘isn’t it beautiful?’ he whispered, and then he smiled
because he knew there would be an answer.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#3
this was really touching, very well written. I'll come back and say more if i feel it's necessary, but for the moment, i'm saying nothing but "well done, sir!"
#4
I miss you man.

"dropped low." meh, but forgivable.

This was very pretty sir. I definitely understand what you meant, both by your prelude and by the piece itself.

Thank you very much for sharing;
"Yes, it is."
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
and his great, brown eyes dropped low.

Would probably be more expressive (and I think that would sit this piece) if it was his brow, or face that dropped. Actually creating more of a physical expression.

I liked reading it.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
peter was a bear.
he slept through the winter months
and dreamed of when the sun would rise
and he would wake to see the sky blue
and the grass green and the trees full.
My only complaint here would regard the overuse of "and" here. I think it flows better as:
...dreaming of when the sun would rise
and he would wake to see the sky blue,
the grass green, and the trees full.

Absolutely loved this opening though. It's got an innocent sort of feel you just don't get much in this hectic world.



peter woke one morning and breathed in the warm air.
it must be spring!’ he thought.
peter lumbered outside.
‘oh,’ he said, ‘look at the sky!
look at the grass! look at the trees!’
and then, in a much softer voice,
‘if only i had someone to share this with.’
Aww. Love it. "Lumbered" was the perfect verb. Exclamations were used to great effect. Everything here is simple, but beautiful in its simplicity.

suddenly a great, grey cloud covered the sun.
Prefer it without a comma.
peter felt cold, and he pulled his paws in tight.
he looked around, but he could not see any other animals.
peter felt very lonely and sad,
and not even the green grass or the full trees
could make him happy again.
peter started crying very quietly
and his great, brown eyes dropped low.
Only complaint here would be that "peter felt very lonely and sad" was slightly too straightforward for my tastes, even for what you're going for. However, I'm not sure anything can (or should) be done about it, as I'm not sure the last few lines could remain the same whilst changing that one, and I definitely thought the rest of this stanza was solid. Weakest one so far though.

peter crawled back into his cave.
maybe this is just a nightmare,’ he thought.
he rested his head on his paws and fell back to sleep.
the sky was blue and the grass was green
and the trees were full.
‘isn’t it beautiful?’ he whispered, and then he smiled
because he knew there would be an answer.
Absolutely perfect ending. It comes full circle in a simple, but grand way.

I loved this. It's extremely unique, especially held up to the rest of what's posted here in this forum. This style of writing definitely appeals to me, and I'd love to see you do more of it.

#7
^_^ thanks guys.
I agree with everything that was said.
I actually meant to change the 'great, brown eyes' line before I posted, but I must have forgotten.
Does anyone want a piece looked at properly? I know I've just been posting poor comments lately.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#8
I do agree with the repetition of the 'and's in the first stanza. I would probably change one or two of those.

Nothing wrong with the second bit. As stated, it is simplicity and it is beauty. And the exclamations really are all fitting if you were to be reading it aloud, etc etc.

I have mixed feelings about the third stanza. It portrays everything it should, but perhaps not in the right way. I agree about the lonely and sad line, you are supposed to use imagery to show emotions, not simply spit them out. But then again, in the format of the piece it does fit. I'm not sure.. I also agree that you may need a more active verb than dropped if you're going to keep the line how it is.

No complaints with the last bit. It concludes it all, and expresses everything it should.

Overall, I did rather enjoy it. I'm looking forward to see how you put this together with the guitar tracks and whatnot. And if myspace leads me correctly, this is only part 1 of something, eh? eh?
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.