#1
Here's another song I wrote, waiting for some constructive critic. C4C!
Updated version in Post #4

Everytime that we meet
you haven‘t changed at all
still keeping your smile
fainting more and more

the questions ‘bout how I am
you wouldn‘t have to ask
because the both of us know
the answers are just a mask

Time heals all of your wounds
I don‘t believe that‘s right
Some of them even time cannot heal
and you suffer all your life

Sometimes when I look at the stars
imagining what it is like
Will you be waiting when I went this way
we all go by the time

And within my despair
I‘m shouting at god
how he could dare
creating this hole in my life
only you could fill
and nothing else
Last edited by xghost88 at Dec 2, 2008,
#2
outwardly, the whole thing was good. some of the stanzas had a few problems, such as:

Everytime that we meet
you haven‘t changed at all
still keeping your smile
fainting more and more failing? fading? wasn't sure about that


that was the worst stanza in my opinion, it seemed to contradict itself and was a bit too cliche for my likes. there were some grammar mistakes as well, but i'm guessing you're not a native English speaker, so that's understandable.

the message was fine, however. just needs a bit of fine-tuning for some specific parts, a few minutes with a grammar checker, and it'll be fine
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#3
I think this is a bit too cliche
creating this hole in my life
only you could fill



Everytime that we meet
you haven‘t changed at all
still keeping your smile
fainting more and more


I would agree with RPExecutor about this. It seems to contradict itself a bit. I don't think 'still keeping your smile fainting more and more' really flows too well.

The rest though, I think is pretty good
I think the second stanza, and the first two lines of the last stanza.

C4C? see sig. either 'Berlin' or 'On Thin Air'
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 2, 2008,
#4
Alright thanks for your critics first. I rewrote some parts of it and added a new stance. Hope it's better now!


It‘s been a while since that very day
and if only I had known
that you will leave and go away
to where I can‘t follow

My only picture of you
slowly disappears inside my head
but you are still keeping your smile
telling me not to give up

the questions ‘bout how I am
you wouldn‘t have to ask
because the both of us know
the answers are just a mask

Time heals all of your wounds
I don‘t believe that‘s right
Some of them even time cannot heal
and you suffer all your life

Sometimes when I look at the stars
imagining what it is like
Will you be waiting when I went this way
we all go by the time

And within my despair
I‘m shouting at god
just to make him aware
of my hatred and pain
and I‘m asking for relief
but he won‘t give it to me
he never does
#5
Yeah, much better now (not that the old one was bad or anything :P )
I think that new stanzaa work a lot better than the one that they replaced.
And I think that the last stanza is quite a bit better now
Couldn't help thinking, it's a very blunt ending. Nothing wrong with that though
Overall, a lot better
Hope you have some more stuff coming?
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#6
Thanks!

Nothing really in the works yet but who knows?
If you like you could read through some of my other stuff in my sig.
I'll come back later and read some more of your stuff your "Berlin" made me curious of what else you've got!