#1
crit4crit

A GARDEN OF POINSETTIAS

Angelic choirs sing
To the music of your thunder
And when the lightning strikes
They all become your lover
How I long to serenade
The reign that should pour on me
But I cannot escape
The shelter of umbrella wings

With cherubic wardens
In beautiful gardens
I found my faith
And lost myself

Oh my love, oh my love
You look just like God

Last year on Christmas Eve
I froze my heart with false hope
Pretending to be God
Making angels in the snow
Storms of ornamental
Hail Mary left me blind
But I swear I could see
The second coming of Christ

In the cold foggy night
Underneath christmas lights
I found my faith
And lost myself

Oh my love, oh my love
You look just like God
Last edited by themarsvolta at Nov 25, 2008,
#2
There seems to be similar themes in all your lyrics, but it doesn't bother me. in fact, it gives you an instantly recognisable style. I think this is the best I've read fromyou so far. Love to here this one. "Oh my love, oh my love, you look just like God" - that is just fantastic. Well written
#3
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

A GARDEN OF POINSETTIAS

Angelic choirs sing
To the music of your thunder
And when the lightning strikes
They all become your lover
How I long to serenade
The reign that should pour on me
But I cannot escape
The shelter of umbrella wings

I really enjoy how this verse flows so well. There's no awkward wording, and the rhyming flows very well without any forced words. There's also some great imagery, with 'umbrella wings' and angelic choirs singing.

With cherubic wardens
In beautiful gardens
I found my faith
And lost myself

The meaning of this stanza seems a tad convoluted, but I do enjoy the vocabulary used in this, and in the entire piece. Try putting a bit more meaning or a bit more lines to the latter half of it.

Oh my love, oh my love
You look just like God

Very sharp, effective, almost 'punch-in-the-face' type lines, I like it.

Last year on Christmas Eve
You froze my heart with false hope
Pretending to be God
Making angels in the snow
Storms of ornamental
Hail Mary left me blind
But I swear I could see
The second coming of Christ

You seem to be contradicting yourself a bit here, with you first saying that the person you're talking to looks just like God, and now they're pretending to be God, but I could just be missing the point of it. I love the vocabulary and imagery used.


In the cold foggy night
Underneath christmas lights
I found my faith
And lost myself

Again, the first two lines are very effective, and the last two are a little strange.


Oh my love, oh my love
You look just like God

I like the repetition, especially with such a strong message here.




Overall, I enjoyed it, your sense of meter and rhyming is very good, all the stanzas flow without being awkward and still convey their message with very vivid words. Keep up the good work, I'd like to see more.

I'd appreciate it if you could give my piece a crit, here.
#4
I liked the song
A few of the lines seemed a bit out of rhythm, like "The reign (rain?) that should pour on me" and "The shelter of umbrella wings" but I guess it's the way you hold the notes in the song.

Overall I thought it was a good song and I especially liked the chorus, just that I thought some bits didn't flow as much as some other bits.
#5
god this amazing the only thing i hate about this place is that we cant hear the emotion in the song

anyways when you are saying oh my love oh my love you look like god

and i like it but i dont see how it would be used as a lyrics maybe you could speak it instead i just dont get how it would be used to notes
#6
It was very good. You should give a chord structure so I can hear it for myself .

I just played it now with slow chords of G-C and D-C repeating them.

Sounded fantastic. Keep up the good work!
#7
Great stuff. All I have to say really.
You are so consistent, and I mean that in the most inspiring way I can. I'm not just saying that to be boring or deriative towards you, being consistent is far from grating, it shows how articulate and progressed you are as a writer.
Methodic and inspiring.

Digitally Clean
#8
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit

A GARDEN OF POINSETTIAS

Angelic choirs sing
To the music of your thunder
And when the lightning strikes
They all become your lover
How I long to serenade
The reign that should pour on me
But I cannot escape
The shelter of umbrella wings


The imagery here is awesome. Especially the "But I cannot esacpe, The shelter of umbrella wings. Very solid.


With cherubic wardens
In beautiful gardens
I found my faith
And lost myself

This is my second favorite section. Very nice work. Very little words, infinate meaning.


Oh my love, oh my love
You look just like God

Very empathetic and connecting, nice work.


Last year on Christmas Eve
I froze my heart with false hope
Pretending to be God
Making angels in the snow
Storms of ornamental
Hail Mary left me blind
But I swear I could see
The second coming of Christ

THIS is my favorite part. I love lyrics with religious shadowing. Very in my taste, awesome writing.


In the cold foggy night
Underneath christmas lights
I found my faith
And lost myself

Oh my love, oh my love
You look just like God



Like I said before, excellent work.


Overall, this is very solid and descriptive. You have a very unique writing style (in a good way) that will catch people's eyes very easily. Keep it up, you'll get noticed.
#9
Great use of words.. the vocabulary throughout the piece conveys a certain sense of complexity that the subject of your piece seems to be experiencing. the only thing that i don't understand is that the verses are about someone else but in the chorus lines we here about the narrator... but not enough to understand why he is lost.. we only hear so much to understand that he is in fact lost.. and seemingly for no particular reason... develop the story behind the song a bit more.. otherwise well done

--William