#1
THE SECRET
We talked for an hour,
Spilling our secrets
I told you one
that wasn’t kept
Because of you,
she got fed up
Walked out the door,
turned her back on me
She left me for my best friend.
Hell, she left me for good
My regrets outweigh my pleasures,
Though they didn’t at the time
She was pushed and shoved
Beaten and battered
Not a mark to be seen;
wounded self-respect bleeds
Because of you,
she got fed up
Walked out the door
turned her back on me
I want her back
Or so I think
Can I hold back?
Or will I break again?
I care for her too much
to put her through it again
I care for her too much
to let her go
Because of you,
she got fed up
Walked out the door,
turned her back on me

Organized in couplets.
Wrote this after a particularly bad fight with my (now ex) girlfriend.
Can't crit other's tonight, but definitely will tomorrow.
Thanks in advance!
Gear:
Agile Ash RB 828
Schecter C-7 (old 90s style headstock)
Handbuilt 6-string V
Handbuilt Baritone scale 6 string Iceman-copy
Pod HD300
#2
i've noticed it's incredibly hard to write lyrics, or anything about an event that has happened especially one that is recent.

yours is good... i guess, but it could be a lot better once all those bad feelings are over with, and it seems it never will but eventually your heart builds back a little strength.

once you can absolutely describe how you feel you can turn that into imagery, but to write it that short amount of time after doesn't really say what you want to.

and im sorry about what happened that really blows
#3
I like this - but, it does need some work in /some/ areas.
I will be back to let you know which areas those are!
#4
Actually, that happened a few months ago, and i havent touched it since. I through a lot of exaggeration in there, since my girlfriend didn't actually leave me. We just broke up 2 weeks ago, and its kinda creepy how closely the real events followed the lyrics.
Gear:
Agile Ash RB 828
Schecter C-7 (old 90s style headstock)
Handbuilt 6-string V
Handbuilt Baritone scale 6 string Iceman-copy
Pod HD300
#5
i like it because a lot of people can relate to the topic including me, but i think it would be easier to read if we knew how the song flowed
#6
Like, distinctively break it up into verse/chorus? Or just add spaces? I mentioned that its supposed to be organized in couplets, but re-reading it now, it works well broken up into 4 lines per stanza, too.
Gear:
Agile Ash RB 828
Schecter C-7 (old 90s style headstock)
Handbuilt 6-string V
Handbuilt Baritone scale 6 string Iceman-copy
Pod HD300
#7
We talked for an hour,
Spilling our secrets
I told you one
that wasn’t kept

She left me for my best friend.
Hell, she left me for good
my pleasures
Outweighed by regrets

Though they didn’t at the time

Because of you, (Who?)
she got fed up
Walked out the door,
turned her back on me

Maybe you can start out by separating and re arranging the words a little, like I tried to do above. I don’t know if it is important or not, but who is “you”? Just wondering. It’s best to write from the heart but it can also be the hardest kind of writing because you’re too close to the subject. Hope to see what you do with this.

If you want to crit one of mine take your pick.


Sweet Agony
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1004943

No More To Pay
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1007974
#8
Yeah, it was kinda OTS, so im not surprised the structure is off.
'You' is the friend whom I told the secret to.
Gear:
Agile Ash RB 828
Schecter C-7 (old 90s style headstock)
Handbuilt 6-string V
Handbuilt Baritone scale 6 string Iceman-copy
Pod HD300
#10
Originally? No. Now? Yeah.
Gear:
Agile Ash RB 828
Schecter C-7 (old 90s style headstock)
Handbuilt 6-string V
Handbuilt Baritone scale 6 string Iceman-copy
Pod HD300