I make love to her again;
insufficient love.
She stirs in secret as
I slap the burnt palms
over my tarnished scars.
I slowly drag them down
hoping that the white sheets
lumped into a small mound
is just a mirage - a
desert of crooked trees,
leaves spent by the sides.
It isn't. I am drunk without
ever touching her.
You wake up regretting every
word slurred
every step ambled
every cigarette sociably

I have a hang over and
haven't drank in months.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Nov 26, 2008,
Apart from the excellent opener (seriously, not sice broken_boottles have I laughed at a funny dirty joke like that) I felt this got over-wordy and overblown, and quite up itself in all honesty.

You mixed the gritty realism with a tiresome middle section that lost my interest 100%. You were dancing around what you really wanted to say, and I kinda of went "ok, if you don't wanna tell me, then I don't really care." Which meant that at the end, I kinda took nothing away.

I think this reeks of ots and reads very much like a journal piece, rather than something polished. Which I realise it is. Helpful, ain't I?

Will be reading your next one DC. I have something in my sig if you want to trade needless comments.
I liked this Dan. Everything was well written, but "a desert of crooked trees, leaves spent by the sides." sounded a bit fillery... Everything else is quite good and it's actually fun to read out loud.

Another good piece from you lately. Keep going mate !
Jammy's right. At the same time though, I could tell that this had more heart and soul after really soaking it in. But again, the high language, the never-ending sentences, the image-fest, they make it a tad bit difficult to read.

I loved the seven lines at the end of the first stanza, though. It was relatable to me.
I wanted to try something new this time by actually posting the first few lines that I came up with based on one or two themes. It was to determine whether that method worked for me. I'm skeptical.

Thanks for the all the comments.
the ordinary title caught my attention, and i don't regret taking a look at this poem. it's great, and quite true too.