#1
OTS

Drunk

I make love to her again;
insufficient love.
She stirs in secret as
I slap the burnt palms
over my tarnished scars.
I slowly drag them down
hoping that the white sheets
lumped into a small mound
is just a mirage - a
desert of crooked trees,
leaves spent by the sides.
It isn't. I am drunk without
ever touching her.
You wake up regretting every
word slurred
every step ambled
every cigarette sociably
smoked.

I have a hang over and
haven't drank in months.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Nov 26, 2008,
#2
Apart from the excellent opener (seriously, not sice broken_boottles have I laughed at a funny dirty joke like that) I felt this got over-wordy and overblown, and quite up itself in all honesty.

You mixed the gritty realism with a tiresome middle section that lost my interest 100%. You were dancing around what you really wanted to say, and I kinda of went "ok, if you don't wanna tell me, then I don't really care." Which meant that at the end, I kinda took nothing away.

I think this reeks of ots and reads very much like a journal piece, rather than something polished. Which I realise it is. Helpful, ain't I?

Will be reading your next one DC. I have something in my sig if you want to trade needless comments.
#5
Jammy's right. At the same time though, I could tell that this had more heart and soul after really soaking it in. But again, the high language, the never-ending sentences, the image-fest, they make it a tad bit difficult to read.

I loved the seven lines at the end of the first stanza, though. It was relatable to me.
#6
I wanted to try something new this time by actually posting the first few lines that I came up with based on one or two themes. It was to determine whether that method worked for me. I'm skeptical.

Thanks for the all the comments.
#7
the ordinary title caught my attention, and i don't regret taking a look at this poem. it's great, and quite true too.