#1
we're all part of a something
miserable, like gum in our hair;
peanut blah blah, I stopped caring
about my lack of a morality,
or a straight line, or something right,
but between you and I, the part of me
that wants you gone left with another girl,
and he's off fooling around with
the kitchen knives, trying to ruin
her thighs, and I'm here stuck in
the dirt, waiting for everyone to put
on their skirts, get dressed, ready for
the day, the hole, or finding out what's true/
i can't believe in the bed, the sheets where
I lay my dead, she rests quiet after giving
me (cough.)

Sleep on faces, soft from the central
air, hairs standing up on end because of
a quickly touch, on her hips there is a mole
where everything bad goes, it'll grow and grow
until she gets cancer
and dies.

the drive back is
fulled up with not goods,
or poor english on the cueball, corner
pocket, her pocket has two many cold hands.
remove mine, poking at the hole in my
pants, near my sexy bones. she
points out how the wheel doesn't
match the radius of the turn and
the joke on the road is how lonely
the leaves are
noticing how they drag lines behind the tires,
she gets out because she knows the way,
and twenty feet ahead leading me on
somewhere, who knows / "believe
in the distance." Don't take me for a
particularly bright boy, I've got
my hands stuck in someone else's shit.

he doesn't mind.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
I didn't like "blah blah"
I didn't like "trying to ruin her thighs"
I didn't like "sexy bones"

That's all I can say that I didn't like. This showed your lovely sense of flow and your beautiful sense of wording things but I didn't get the kick that most of your stuff has. The ending was great but it wasn't very lasting.
I keep thinking of what you said about girls cheating with you and relating that to this. Whether or not that is what you were writing about I'm not sure, but that is what I got out of it. Maybe that's too presumptuous.
I liked this but don't think it's your best work.

Sorry I'm not sure how to be more helpful but I felt like saying what I was thinking
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#3
I dunno, I maybe preferred you when you were writing in a different way.

Like, I don't think I could ever really read a book of this stuff published. I mean, I don't know if that's what you're aiming for or anything anymore, maybe you're tied up in your novella/novel (hows that going btw?) but this sort of street-like poetry you're writing at the moment doesn't grip me like you did once.

It's all kind of just sex, and swearing. Yeah all the techniques are there and well utilised, but I've had the opinion you can come up with more profound stuff than this, something greater in ambition. I kinda feel you're coasting, and bar the odd experimentation, it almost reads like you've lost the motivation to write those really fulfilling pieces for the reader.

Idk, I'm pretty sure you'd disagree. I just wanted to raise the point.

I would like to know how your longer writing is coming on though.
#5
hey man, what's been up, it's been forever... mainly just wanted to say what's up but about the piece, meh, not really my style so I can't critique it too much. Maybe just take the word 'classy' out of the title, it's a little misleading. You've authored much better stuff but hey, you're writing so that's good.

Don't worry about returning the favor since I didn't really do you one, I posted a new piece but yo'll prob read it and be like 'hey, same old Derek' but I actually did write something else I'll post here you might actually enjoy. Stay tuned.
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#6
Quote by Something_Vague
i agree


sometimes a writer just got to write some **** though.


Yes.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching