#1
ots. c4c.

"gethsemane"
an 8th and six cloudy days inside the whale.
god's still chasing his tail.
"do you ever feel the need to unravel everything?"
"sometimes, there's just no loose threads, my friend."
"you might as well just die then."
i spent six weeks in a hospital ward.
taking bets on cancer boards.
"she'll die, next week, house odds 5 to 3."
and somewhere in the south of the state
there's a family crying over $150 in a casket.
bone-dry brittle lips torn to bits
from all the boys she'd ever kissed.
and i'm still the same piss poor piece of sidewalk lore
who plays leaves of grass for god to dance.
contemplating the nature of chance,
the waves that never crashed on my landlocked house
and dorothy's tornado that picked her up, but never set her down.
i'm a violent cosmonaut shaking the shit out of the alien,
lost and looking for god. i'm a razor-breathing beast of the little
girl's dreams, coughing up seeds because nothing could grow inside
my barren chest. i'm an old man dressed in sunday's best, grieving for
his wife locked in a cool black chest, and put to rest, free from the cancerous
presence inside her head, and that's where i am, back inside the whale, knees
imprinted on his tongue, i'm praying for something, i don't know what it is yet.
i am a volatile volcano, erupting and covering everything with ash and scorn.
i am the loose thread on the blanket on her bed. she is freezing and i am dead.
i'm inside a whale in gethsemane. i'm insane. i am loved. i am adored.
i am lazarus, reborn.
#2
all said, that was really rather good. don't know why no one's commented yet. the metaphors were frankly astounding and the "whale" idea was great.
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#3
wow, this is different, but not different at the same time. Your work is so recognisable, you have this great sense of - deepness, i guess, while not loosing everyone in the blur of images. I think why i love this so much is that i can digest all the lovely metaphors and not feel lost. Loved the rhyming, found it interesting, helepd drive this piece along. rhyming seems to be a rarity in your work, but you used it well and it really helped this piece. Great work as usual. And how the **** can you write so good OTS? you lucky bastard. Much love as always.
#4
Once again, I feel small as a writer. I loved reading this and hated feeling like an amateur in comparison. Thats my crit because I don't think I have the ability to touch this.
#5
If you don't mind my asking, what exactly is 'ots'? I've seen it many times, but I recall nothing that binds all of the pieces on which I've seen it together.

Also, I have a few things to say, one of which is directed toward this Omega character, so I hope he and his self-loathing brethren return to read this:

When you're reading a book for school - whatever they have nowadays - Twain, Hemingway, Shakespeare, Grisham, god forbid Lord Byron or Thoreau, are you thinking about how good the writing is, and how inferior of a writer you are to what you're reading? Absolutely not. And why not? Because the book you're reading is on a different level from you: your teacher, in an authoritative position, is handing you a book by a guy you'll never meet or talk to, on top of it being an assignment. You're totally detached from it, and therefore you don't have the place to be made to feel inferior.

So what's happening here? Suddenly we're reading with a purpose, with the want to become better writers through critique and the shedding of the shame it takes to post our own work, and we can communicate somewhat directly with the authors that many of us adore the work of, and this changes things how? This is exactly what makes us better at what we do, people! If I could hang out with Saul Williams and Taylor Mali and Dylan Thomas for a few weeks and share my work with them, and they share their work with me, I'm sure I would at least walk away a better writer.

What I'm saying, though I'm taking the long way around, is that you might consider taking advantage of the fact that we have a number of truly gifted writers on this board, and that you can talk to them (the lot of them are very nice and humble) and they are very willing to help, so do not think that you do not have the "ability to touch" anything, for even the best writers will still be able to learn from someone less practiced. Speak your mind regarding any given piece - if they couldn't take the comments, they wouldn't be posting their work. You could take stock of that.

That said, this is really cool. Apart from the obvious brilliance of the internal rhyme, I love the gradual transition from hospital bookie to Lazarus, by way of many stages along the way, and how little things are wrapped about and concluded with loose threads and inside whales, at praying gardens at the foot of mountain funerals. I love what this puts in my head. Well written indeed.
#6
"This Omega character" and "he and his self-loathing brethren"? Damn, I think I just got spanked!LOL! How about I was "humbled" while reading this? I'm still laughing my butt off right now. I really touched a nerve. I give props to spike_8bkp. I love to give a good poke in the ribs and I can certainly take one. Thanks and I will take your advise. No more Dr. Seuss for me!

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Dr. Seuss quote
Last edited by IamOmega at Nov 27, 2008,
#7
rpexcecutor, i'm glad you appreciated the metaphors, i was worried i might've gone over the top with it, but if it hits home with someone, then i'm glad i wrote them.

kdownes, love's returned in full. thank you.

i am omega, excuse my arrogant modesty (and my oxymoronic language), but this is hardly groundbreaking and i'm sure you could easily write something like this with a little bit of practice, but i'm never averse to a little bit of self-indulgent ego-inflating, so thank you.

spike, i know your first comments weren't directed at me, and i can speak only for myself and not omega, but i've occasionally felt dwarfed as a writer myself by some pieces on here (including a few of yours), but, at the very least, when i say such things, i mean it as a humbling experience that some kids my age (or slightly older) can sit here and write such masterpieces as a mere hobby that exists (usually) for their entertainment and that of a guitar website's subforum. no one can deny mark twain's genius, but he was a well-traveled and lauded professional writer, the people who post here are just kids scribbling down their angst and observations and sometimes they turn out stuff that's really magical. now that i've given you my thoughts on that, i'll just say that i've always been envious of your ability to create worlds in your writing, so any praise from you goes a long way in my book, and for that, i thank you.

edit:

and spike, ots stands for on the spot, as in without any premeditated thoughts before writing and no revision following it.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Nov 27, 2008,
#8
I didn't mean to hijack your thread with that, but I agree with you there, there are people here and elsewhere that are turning out really great writing for little more than their own amusement. What I was getting at, but didn't quite arrive at, was that we may just have writers of that caliber here - who's to say that I am Omega isn't the next Johnny Cash, or that DigUpHerBones won't redefine British Literature as we've known it for the past five hundred years? Seriously - the severity with which some of these kids write is astounding, and they're here with us, so we can pick each others brains and words. We should all take advantage of that.
#9
I get the point guys, I really do. Oh, and I am not quite a kid anymore. I'm 38 and the Captain of an ocean tug and currently off the coast of Georgia heading for Virginia with 70,000 barrels of asphalt. If I lose my signal then I will post again in two to three days when I get it again off Cape Hatteras, North Carolina. Take Care.
#10
I swear I had a ****ing deja vu reading this.

I've dreamt/seen this moment before, everything from how it looks on my screen to the title to my sister walking in while I'm reading it.

I don't know how I feel.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching