Page 1 of 2
#1
Ok, so this is what happened.

My parents are out with family friends, and they'll be back any minute so I need your help.
Here's some background:

I volunteer on my cousin's softball team (I'm 17, the girls are 15).

And whatever...I met this girl. Her name is Allison and we've been going out for a while. We have a lot in common, sometimes I help her with her homework. I helped her on an English essay and she still got a C. This is because her teacher is a prick...anyways.

So she came over like an hour ago, and I really want to lose my virginity, so I asked her to have sex.

"No I can't, it's not right" she said but I told her "Don't worry I know what I'm doing, I'll be done in like 10 seconds. Plus I'll give you 2 N64 games if you say yes."

So I gave her Diddy Kong Racing and Ken Griffey JR Baseball, and then she goes to my room. She's a bit confused and scared.

Then I think to myself - Yo I need lube right? 'Cause I hear you guys on UG saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it won't fit properly.

Ok so I have no lube, but I really want to lose my virginity - so I grab some butter from the fridge, but it's cold, it won't melt - so I microwaved it for 8 minutes, and then I put it in a glass and pored it on her cooter, now she's saying I burned it.

I don't know what to do, my parents are going to be back any minute and she's crying in the bathroom. Please help you guys are really smart and please help me.

Any idea on how to shut her up? Should I give her another N64 game?
Last edited by Khiriath at Nov 27, 2008,
#5
Fail.
Gear:

- Epiphone Les Paul Standard
- Saga LP Copy
- Godin Seagull Acoustic
- Roland Cube 60
- Fender G-Dec
- Jim Dunlop Crybaby
- Guitar Rig 2
#6
Quote by jmilli2
lol - I just wish that story was real.

Yeah...should I give her another N64 game
#7
Epic Fail

*reported*
My Guitars:
Gibson Les Paul Studio
Epiphone AJ
Ibanez Strat Copy

Amps:
Orange Tiny Terror Head
Old beaten up Peavey cab
Marshall MG30DFX
#8
Quote by Khiriath

Any idea on how to shut her up? Should I give her another N64 game?



Gag her!


With what? You'll think of something...
#9
Why didn't you pour the butter onto the N64 games? Then put those in her, add a controller, and there ya go, she's a game system. Dumbass.
I love Foxy Shazam more than you.



▲ ▲

#10
Lame copypasta

Quote by FightinIrishPJ
Epic Fail

*reported*


It's hardly epic, stop throwing the word around like nothing, it's lost all it's meaning now because of that **** (ಠ益ಠ ╬
Proud follower of Åkerfeldtism

P S T F I N D E R

Quote by FFTLxx
Uhh there was this guy who didn't get any of the questions in some exam so he put 2 pencils in his nose and headbutted the desk.. and died.. that's pretty stupid.


#11
YES!!!!

This is the quality the Pit has been lacking!!!


Thank you!!!!!!!!

BTW he literally buttered her toast...if you catch my drift.
I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money.I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down.
#12
Quote by tonedeafidiot
NO! DO NOT convince a girl to have sex like that! I just went over sex in psychology and this can easily be spun into rape.


lol troll'd
#15
The Pit really sucks tonight...
WILDCARD, BITCHES!!

Call me Patrick! My username sucks anyway
#16

haha
i couldn't help it in this case.
Quote by Immortal_Guitar
ExiledSoul, you have just won the Best UG Liar award. Thanks for participating with your incredible dumbassery and lies.


Quote by gsr2k6
I have a turd with a carrot stuck in it. Its the GREATEST pet ever, makes quite the mess though.
#17
It's probably better that the TS doesn't have sex,,, EVER.....
Quote by darkstar2466


You are an idiot. Idiots get punished. You will be punished.
#18
Quote by exiledsoul

haha
i couldn't help it in this case.


That was actually quite perfect my mine, that was just awesome..


So.......What are you gonna do with the butter? My popcorn's dry.
I love Foxy Shazam more than you.



▲ ▲

#19
Seen it before. If you're gonna copy and paste, at least make sure it hasn't been done to death before.
Quote by Cathbard
If all you had to go on was the forum you'd think a Decimator could cure noise caused by dodgey stage lighting and restock the ocean's population of sperm whales
#22
Cette nuit j'ai rêvé que je mâchais ses yeux
Après avoir crevé par accès de furie
Ta replète panse d'helminthes blancs nourrie,
Trop prompte à déféquer le fruit d'un vit sanieux.
#24
Quote by Khiriath
Ok, so this is what happened.

My parents are out with family friends, and they'll be back any minute so I need your help.
Here's some background:

I volunteer on my cousin's softball team (I'm 17, the girls are 15).

And whatever...I met this girl. Her name is Allison and we've been going out for a while. We have a lot in common, sometimes I help her with her homework. I helped her on an English essay and she still got a C. This is because her teacher is a prick...anyways.

So she came over like an hour ago, and I really want to lose my virginity, so I asked her to have sex.

"No I can't, it's not right" she said but I told her "Don't worry I know what I'm doing, I'll be done in like 10 seconds. Plus I'll give you 2 N64 games if you say yes."

So I gave her Diddy Kong Racing and Ken Griffey JR Baseball, and then she goes to my room. She's a bit confused and scared.

Then I think to myself - Yo I need lube right? 'Cause I hear you guys on UG saying you need to lube up her clit otherwise it won't fit properly.

Ok so I have no lube, but I really want to lose my virginity - so I grab some butter from the fridge, but it's cold, it won't melt - so I microwaved it for 8 minutes, and then I put it in a glass and pored it on her cooter, now she's saying I burned it.

I don't know what to do, my parents are going to be back any minute and she's crying in the bathroom. Please help you guys are really smart and please help me.

Any idea on how to shut her up? Should I give her another N64 game?


WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
In red are the mistakes, screwups and simply WTF things that you have done or caused.

1. You pushed her into sex when she was not ready for it. That by itself is terrible.
2. You clearly DON'T know what you are doing
3. If you're only gonna last 10 seconds, why are you ruining this moment for both of you in this way?
4. Bribing for sex? NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO! WHAT THE HELL?
5. She is confused and scared. But do you sit with her, and make sure this is what she wants? Or think it over. Hell no, you just want to get your freak on. Bugger her feelings and rights.
6. Do you know ANYTHING about the female anatomy? If you were going to put your penis in her clitoris, then I'm bloody glad, on top of all the other reasons, that you didn't have sex.
7. Butter? BUTTER? YOU DONT FUCKING USE BUTTER! ARE YOU RETARDED?
8. EIGHT MINUTES????? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LITERALLY BOILING! You can melt butter in under 20 seconds with a 1000w microwave. From your perspective, what you did was the equivalent of her forcing your penis down the spout of a just-boiled kettle. And, damn, I wish she did.
9. You WANT TO SHUT HER UP? YOU HAVE BADLY BURNT HER! ON HER VAGINA! YOU ARE A RETARD, A BASTARD, A MORON AND A SELF-CENTERED FOOL! Don't worry about getting in trouble, hell, I wish there were specific laws against your actions, instead of just implied ones, and that you would go to jail. That may or may not happen. Worry about the girl you selfishly caused a horribly painful injury to.

Get the hell out of UG. Get the hell out of life.
#25
Quote by King Krapp
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
In red are the mistakes, screwups and simply WTF things that you have done or caused.

1. You pushed her into sex when she was not ready for it. That by itself is terrible.
2. You clearly DON'T know what you are doing
3. If you're only gonna last 10 seconds, why are you ruining this moment for both of you in this way?
4. Bribing for sex? NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO! WHAT THE HELL?
5. She is confused and scared. But do you sit with her, and make sure this is what she wants? Or think it over. Hell no, you just want to get your freak on. Bugger her feelings and rights.
6. Do you know ANYTHING about the female anatomy? If you were going to put your penis in her clitoris, then I'm bloody glad, on top of all the other reasons, that you didn't have sex.
7. Butter? BUTTER? YOU DONT FUCKING USE BUTTER! ARE YOU RETARDED?
8. EIGHT MINUTES????? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LITERALLY BOILING! You can melt butter in under 20 seconds with a 1000w microwave. From your perspective, what you did was the equivalent of her forcing your penis down the spout of a just-boiled kettle. And, damn, I wish she did.
9. You WANT TO SHUT HER UP? YOU HAVE BADLY BURNT HER! ON HER VAGINA! YOU ARE A RETARD, A BASTARD, A MORON AND A SELF-CENTERED FOOL! Don't worry about getting in trouble, hell, I wish there were specific laws against your actions, instead of just implied ones, and that you would go to jail. That may or may not happen. Worry about the girl you selfishly caused a horribly painful injury to.

Get the hell out of UG. Get the hell out of life.

calm down, it isn't real, its copypasta
grok it.

SKREAM!

Listen to jazz, it's good for you...
#26
Quote by King Krapp


Get the hell out of UG. Get the hell out of life.

Quote by TunerAddict,mdawg24
+Infinity

Listen to ExtremeMetalFTW, he knows what he is talking about...

Quote by vmanoman
I clicked System Restore and it said "System Restore Is Unable To Protect You".

^^SO KVLT!!
#27
Quote by King Krapp
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
In red are the mistakes, screwups and simply WTF things that you have done or caused.

1. You pushed her into sex when she was not ready for it. That by itself is terrible.
2. You clearly DON'T know what you are doing
3. If you're only gonna last 10 seconds, why are you ruining this moment for both of you in this way?
4. Bribing for sex? NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO! WHAT THE HELL?
5. She is confused and scared. But do you sit with her, and make sure this is what she wants? Or think it over. Hell no, you just want to get your freak on. Bugger her feelings and rights.
6. Do you know ANYTHING about the female anatomy? If you were going to put your penis in her clitoris, then I'm bloody glad, on top of all the other reasons, that you didn't have sex.
7. Butter? BUTTER? YOU DONT FUCKING USE BUTTER! ARE YOU RETARDED?
8. EIGHT MINUTES????? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LITERALLY BOILING! You can melt butter in under 20 seconds with a 1000w microwave. From your perspective, what you did was the equivalent of her forcing your penis down the spout of a just-boiled kettle. And, damn, I wish she did.
9. You WANT TO SHUT HER UP? YOU HAVE BADLY BURNT HER! ON HER VAGINA! YOU ARE A RETARD, A BASTARD, A MORON AND A SELF-CENTERED FOOL! Don't worry about getting in trouble, hell, I wish there were specific laws against your actions, instead of just implied ones, and that you would go to jail. That may or may not happen. Worry about the girl you selfishly caused a horribly painful injury to.

Get the hell out of UG. Get the hell out of life.


you do know this was just a joke. right?
you are such an idiot...

Quote by Immortal_Guitar
ExiledSoul, you have just won the Best UG Liar award. Thanks for participating with your incredible dumbassery and lies.


Quote by gsr2k6
I have a turd with a carrot stuck in it. Its the GREATEST pet ever, makes quite the mess though.
#28
Quote by King Krapp
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
blah blah blah


#29
Quote by tremeloud
YES!!!!

This is the quality the Pit has been lacking!!!



Agreed. I just lmao'd my arse off.
#30
Quote by King Krapp
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
In red are the mistakes, screwups and simply WTF things that you have done or caused.

1. You pushed her into sex when she was not ready for it. That by itself is terrible.
2. You clearly DON'T know what you are doing
3. If you're only gonna last 10 seconds, why are you ruining this moment for both of you in this way?
4. Bribing for sex? NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOO! WHAT THE HELL?
5. She is confused and scared. But do you sit with her, and make sure this is what she wants? Or think it over. Hell no, you just want to get your freak on. Bugger her feelings and rights.
6. Do you know ANYTHING about the female anatomy? If you were going to put your penis in her clitoris, then I'm bloody glad, on top of all the other reasons, that you didn't have sex.
7. Butter? BUTTER? YOU DONT FUCKING USE BUTTER! ARE YOU RETARDED?
8. EIGHT MINUTES????? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LITERALLY BOILING! You can melt butter in under 20 seconds with a 1000w microwave. From your perspective, what you did was the equivalent of her forcing your penis down the spout of a just-boiled kettle. And, damn, I wish she did.
9. You WANT TO SHUT HER UP? YOU HAVE BADLY BURNT HER! ON HER VAGINA! YOU ARE A RETARD, A BASTARD, A MORON AND A SELF-CENTERED FOOL! Don't worry about getting in trouble, hell, I wish there were specific laws against your actions, instead of just implied ones, and that you would go to jail. That may or may not happen. Worry about the girl you selfishly caused a horribly painful injury to.

Get the hell out of UG. Get the hell out of life.



No way these are "mistakes, screwups and simply WTF things" dude. They are signs that he is a real man and cares not for what he woman wants but only for himself. He's right on and I give him props for his elite n64 persuasion skills and plan to steal and use the technique for my own benefit.

He's a pioneer of sexual persuasion and I give him TWO thumbs up and an e-beer on me.
#31
if this is true...
1. she's lying. she just doesn't want you in that way yet. they vagina can withstand a temperature of up to 140 degrees farenheight, other wise the friction from a dick would damage most vaginas.
2. you could give her an infection putting butter in her vagina. it can raise yeast levels and cottage cheese will be coming forth for about as long as she is too scared to go to the pharmacy.

3. there's something called a practice girl. half the girls in your school are willing regardless of how you look, you shouldn't have pleaded with her to free up the poon.
[font="Arial Blackeat my asshole... far more tasteful than kissing someone's ass[/FONT"]
#32
Quote by nelliehart {inf
if this is true...
1. she's lying. she just doesn't want you in that way yet. they vagina can withstand a temperature of up to 140 degrees farenheight, other wise the friction from a dick would damage most vaginas.
2. you could give her an infection putting butter in her vagina. it can raise yeast levels and cottage cheese will be coming forth for about as long as she is too scared to go to the pharmacy.

3. there's something called a practice girl. half the girls in your school are willing regardless of how you look, you shouldn't have pleaded with her to free up the poon.

I say it again THIS IS COPYPASTA, IT IS FAKE
grok it.

SKREAM!

Listen to jazz, it's good for you...
#33
Quote by dubstar92
I say it again THIS IS COPYPASTA, IT IS FAKE



I don't have to copy and paste. I'm going to college for this. I'm a future gynecologist.
I've been studying the vagina since I found out what genital warts look like at the age of nine.

and common sense would tell you that the vagina is extremely warm, and that anything, even rough sports, can cause a yeast infetion anywhere on any human part. even on your tongue and eyelashes.
[font="Arial Blackeat my asshole... far more tasteful than kissing someone's ass[/FONT"]
#34
Quote by King Krapp
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
In red are the mistakes, screwups and simply WTF things that you have done or caused.

etc.


haha

I was going to post about how old this was like everyone else, but instead I'm going to laugh at this fellow for taking the time to analyze the mistakes of an old, obviously fake story.
Quote by guitar_god22

thats about south africa tho...which isnt poor at all.
Quote by RyanInChains9
yea venezula is just the richest country in the world...
#35


I didn't realise you were so gullible King Krapp.
Last edited by BGSM at Nov 27, 2008,
#36
Quote by nelliehart {inf
I don't have to copy and paste. I'm going to college for this. I'm a future gynecologist.
I've been studying the vagina since I found out what genital warts look like at the age of nine.

and common sense would tell you that the vagina is extremely warm, and that anything, even rough sports, can cause a yeast infetion anywhere on any human part. even on your tongue and eyelashes.


no, you idiot. the story is copied and pasted.
great to see your college education paying off
Quote by Immortal_Guitar
ExiledSoul, you have just won the Best UG Liar award. Thanks for participating with your incredible dumbassery and lies.


Quote by gsr2k6
I have a turd with a carrot stuck in it. Its the GREATEST pet ever, makes quite the mess though.
#38
Quote by exiledsoul
no, you idiot. the story is copied and pasted.
great to see your college education paying off


i kind of figured that, which is why I said "if this is true" because I know it's highly unlikely. nice to know you're trying to check for me dad.
[font="Arial Blackeat my asshole... far more tasteful than kissing someone's ass[/FONT"]
#39
Quote by nelliehart {inf
I don't have to copy and paste. I'm going to college for this. I'm a future gynecologist.
I've been studying the vagina since I found out what genital warts look like at the age of nine.

and common sense would tell you that the vagina is extremely warm, and that anything, even rough sports, can cause a yeast infetion anywhere on any human part. even on your tongue and eyelashes.

grok it.

SKREAM!

Listen to jazz, it's good for you...
#40
Quote by nelliehart {inf
i kind of figured that, which is why I said "if this is true" because I know it's highly unlikely. nice to know you're trying to check for me dad.


that's right missy. i'm just looking out for you so some dick won't make fun of you. you're lucky to have good ole exiled on your side.
Quote by Immortal_Guitar
ExiledSoul, you have just won the Best UG Liar award. Thanks for participating with your incredible dumbassery and lies.


Quote by gsr2k6
I have a turd with a carrot stuck in it. Its the GREATEST pet ever, makes quite the mess though.
Page 1 of 2