#1
We watched in awe as our ciggarette ashes,
burned the tabletop,
our mouths gaped as we laughed
at the checkered tablecloth.

Call some room service from the housephone,
as the valleys grow wider
past the corners of my room,
deeper into a world of
sex, and drugs and wonders,
and life and pain and thunder.
We wonder why the window is open,
with a warm winter breeze
that kisses our foreheads,
like a naive player on a first date,
with the only girl hes ever,
felt an emotional connection.

We build a mansion,
no, a fortress,
to disguise our hopes and dreams,
with fancy rugs and welcome mats,
that we use as blankets,
when the winters are stronger
than the last.
trying so hard,
to lose what is left of our pride,
and discover what is left of our mind.

metaphors and heart hardened whores,
with imaginary icons,
and lynched loves gone by,
dance until the morning.
while she plays the pushover,
crying at the party,
trying so hard,
to find entertainment from the drama queen,
hiding in the bushes,
outside her castle
made of porcelain and fiberglass.

Giving me the sign,
that its time to make my move.
"Darling, I'm a heathen,
dressed in gold and linen,
I could take you away,
to anywhere but here.
But because it helps my self esteem,
I'd much rather sit and watch,
as your fairy-tale falls apart."
#2
it sounds more of a poem IMO but other than that it sounds pretty good. what type of music would these lyrics be fitting into?
#3
Blackdotted, yo.

Read over once. Will soon read over twice. I'll be back when I have time.



Reads like very good spoken word. A few minor things that annoyed me or I thought could make it perfect.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Nov 27, 2008,
#4
Thats hard, real hard. What a good read. Brings back memories of my Navy days in the the back streets of Virginia Beach when everyone invited you into their houses to party because it was winter and there was not much to do on the strip.
#5
Quote by bluesybilly

We watched in awe as our ciggarette ashes,
One g?
burned the tabletop,
our mouths gaped as we laughed
at the checkered tablecloth.

Call some room service from the housephone,
two words?
as the valleys grow wider
past the corners of my room,
semi-colon maybe?
deeper into a world of
sex, and drugs and wonders,
I either didn't like the comma, or I didn't like the and. I think it was the and. The punctuation doesn't make sense with it there
and life and pain and thunder.
We wonder why the window is open,
with a warm winter breeze
that kisses our foreheads,
like a naive player on a first date,
didn't like this comma
with the only girl hes ever,
or this one
felt an emotional connection.
is there a particular reason for not having a 'with' and the end of this? I don't see it, I don't think it'd mess up the flow/rhyme and it'd read easier, for me, at least

We build a mansion,
semi-colon? Maybe that's too much
no, a fortress,
to disguise our hopes and dreams,
with fancy rugs and welcome mats,
didn't like this comma
that we use as blankets,
or this one
when the winters are stronger
than the last.
trying so hard,
I'm sorry to be picky, but I think a capital here would bring some pride

to lose what is left of our pride,
and discover what is left of our mind.
don't think a full-stop is needed

metaphors and heart hardened whores,
with imaginary icons,
didn't like this comma
and lynched loves gone by,
dance until the morning.
while she plays the pushover,
crying at the party,
trying so hard,
or this one
to find entertainment from the drama queen,
hiding in the bushes,
outside her castle
made of porcelain and fiberglass.

Giving me the sign,
that its time to make my move.
"Darling, I'm a heathen,
dressed in gold and linen,
I could take you away,
to anywhere but here.
But because it helps my self esteem,
I'd much rather sit and watch,
as your fairy-tale falls apart."


Sorry to be picky with punctuation. It feels like you've put work in to the punctuation, but most of it just didn't work for me. Especially in something like this it messes with the meaning so is all the more important. Some of it just didn't feel natural.

Otherwise, though, I really bloody liked this. Really. Really really.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!