#1
This moment, means more to me, than you’ll ever know,
The time spent with you, I’ll never let go,
Stay here, I want to hold you closer now,
I can feel your heart, beating in rhythm with mine,
Your breath,
In my ear,
You are the only sound,
That i can hear,
I want you frozen in my arms,
Where time has no control on us,
Frozen in my arms,
Forever will you stay?
Just please stay with me,
Don’t move, just lie with me forever,
With you, Is the only time I’m really home,
Your lips feel so soft, moving with mine,
Just hold me, and don’t ever let go,
Your eyes, are the only light that I can see,
Kiss me, before I fall asleep tonight,
And love me like you’ve never loved before.
#2
This moment, means more to me, than you’ll ever know,
The time spent with you, I’ll never let go,
Stay here, I want to hold you closer now,
I can feel your heart, beating in rhythm with mine,
Your breath,
In my ear,
You are the only sound,
That i can hear,
I want you frozen in my arms,
Where time has no control on us,

Frozen in my arms,
Forever will you stay?
Just please stay with me,


I would take out these three lines. Redundent and they take a lot more from this piece than they give.

Don’t move, just lie with me forever,
With you, Is the only time I’m really home,
Your lips feel so soft, moving with mine,
Just hold me, and don’t ever let go, (I would remove this line also.)
Your eyes, are the only light that I can see,
Kiss me, before I fall asleep tonight,
And love me like you’ve never loved before.

Now read this with the changes and I think you will find it is much smoother and more pleasing to the reader.

This moment, means more to me, than you’ll ever know,
The time spent with you, I’ll never let go,
Stay here, I want to hold you closer now,
I can feel your heart, beating in rhythm with mine,
Your breath,
In my ear,
You are the only sound,
That i can hear,
I want you frozen in my arms,
Where time has no control on us,
Don’t move, just lie with me forever,
With you, Is the only time I’m really home,
Your lips feel so soft, moving with mine,
Your eyes, are the only light that I can see,
Kiss me, before I fall asleep tonight,
And love me like you’ve never loved before.

I think this is a very beautiful piece and I really, really like it!


If you want to crit one of mine take your pick.

Sweet Agony
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1004943

No More To Pay
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1007974
#3
I hate to sound like a jerk dude, but this just seems to me like a generic love poem. There are a lot of cliches and nothing in it really felt like it was your own. Probably just because the piece is based around a very common sentiment, you know? If you really want to make this piece stand out and impact the reader, you'll have to really dissect every statement in there and say it in a way that only you can. That's what good writing is about in my opinion, is writing something that no one else would. It's something I'm still trying to accomplish.

Thanks for the crit on my song!!
We're only strays.
#5
i like this piece because the rhymes are very similar to the ones i use in my lyrics a piece of advice would be to shorten the words with appostrophies ( ' ) i have no idea how to spell that word. because in some rhymes it just kind of threw it off for me otherwise good job