#1
I saw him, stand up on stage
Old guitar in hand
I could see that he was true
He was me and he was you

Not for him the glitzy lights
Or the walk of fame
But when he strummed that old guitar
He became our very own star

Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken
Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken

Would he be, would he be, proud of our world today
Would he want, would he want, to fight for us today
There's so many, there's so many, that need to be saved
Would he stand, would he stand, and would we unite again

All he ever wanted was to
Escape his world
But when he showed me his brain
I was not the same again

I now knew a world beyond
Anything I ever knew
I knew that I had been saved
Now to spread his word again

Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken
Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken

Would he be, would he be, proud of our world today
Would he want, would he want, to fight for us today
There's so many, there's so many, that need to be saved
Would he stand, would he stand, and would we unite again

No more sitting in my room
With a bloody knife and gloom
I now know I'm not the only one
Living in shadows, fearing the sun
Take the bricks of his wall
Build them up, nice and tall
Mix them up, paint them black
We have hope, cause he's back

Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken
Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken

Would he be, would he be, proud of our world today
Would he want, would he want, to fight for us today
There's so many, there's so many, that need to be saved
Would he stand, would he stand, and would we unite again

He looks on us from the skies
A smile on his face
He can rest, his job completed
Forever will he be undefeated

EDIT: Thanks to Jon for the last two lines.
Quote by Cathbard
If all you had to go on was the forum you'd think a Decimator could cure noise caused by dodgey stage lighting and restock the ocean's population of sperm whales
Last edited by shadow__666 at Dec 4, 2008,
#2
I saw him, stand up on stage
Old guitar in hand
I could see that he was true
He was me and he was you

This is good. Good intro.

Not for him the glitzy lights
Or the walk of fame
But when he strummed that old guitar
He became our very own star

He became our super star, maybe? “Our very own” doesn’t seem to flow as well.

Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken
Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken

Would he be, would he be, proud of our world today
Would he want, would he want, to fight for us today
There's so many, there's so many, that need to be saved
Would he stand, would he stand, and would we unite again

This is good and solid. I like it.

All he ever wanted was to
Escape his world
But when he showed me his brain
I was not the same again

Not sure about the “brain”. Try another word.

I now knew a world beyond
Anything I ever knew
I knew that I had been saved
Now to spread his word again

Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken
Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken

Would he be, would he be, proud of our world today
Would he want, would he want, to fight for us today
There's so many, there's so many, that need to be saved
Would he stand, would he stand, and would we unite again

No more sitting in my room
With a bloody knife and gloom
I now know I'm not the only one
Living in shadows, fearing the sun

I like this!

Take the bricks of his wall
Build them up, nice and tall
Mix them up, paint them black
We have hope, cause he's back

Not sure why we are building up walls if he is giving us hope.

Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken
Yeah
Yeah
Jesus of the broken

Would he be, would he be, proud of our world today
Would he want, would he want, to fight for us today
There's so many, there's so many, that need to be saved
Would he stand, would he stand, and would we unite again

He looks on us from the skies
A smile on his face
He can rest, his job is done
And now to ride into the sun

“And now to ride into the sun” is a little too cliché and I think takes away from this. Try something else.

I like this piece. A little rework and this will be very solid. Good Job!!!!


If you want to crit one of mine take your pick.

Sweet Agony
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1004943

No More To Pay
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1007974
#3
I would have to agree with IamOmega. i really like it but the thing that takes away from it is the wall stanza. To me it doesn't really have anything to do with the rest. Although that could just be cos I may not understand it properly.
Also i agree with the last line, just a bit too cliche for me.

Crit on either 'Berlin' or 'On Thin Air' would be appreciated
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#4
The wall is meant to be a metaphor for how we're rebuilding ourselves. Maybe a wall isn't a brilliant example (especially since Pink Floyd used it for the exact opposite) but it was the best I could think of.

I agree that the last line is a really bad cliche, but I thought it fitted. I'll work on that last verse though.
Quote by Cathbard
If all you had to go on was the forum you'd think a Decimator could cure noise caused by dodgey stage lighting and restock the ocean's population of sperm whales
#5
Quote by shadow__666
The wall is meant to be a metaphor for how we're rebuilding ourselves. Maybe a wall isn't a brilliant example (especially since Pink Floyd used it for the exact opposite) but it was the best I could think of.

I agree that the last line is a really bad cliche, but I thought it fitted. I'll work on that last verse though.

It fits fine, just not a very original line

I understand the wall bit now. I think you need to make that a bit more obvious though. Maybe mention your mind or whatever you are rebuilding in the same stanza so it's a bit clearer.


EDIT: about the last stanza, I just came up with this just now so it's not the best. but maybe something like:

He looks on us from the skies
A smile on his face
Sit back, relax
His work completed
He has remained undefeated

Not sure about the last line but just an idea
I'll come back in a few days, see if anything's changed
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 28, 2008,