#1
For Those Who Live

Those who live, I salute you

You are the broken wrists,
Spilling out of bar-room brawls,
Pounding on the pavement
Of oil-slicked streets.

You are the empty Krylon cans
Littering back-alley murals,
Shading the line
Between vandalism and art

You are the fierce word-smiths
Clang-clang-clang-ing
Syllables into steel sculptures
Assembled on the streets of the city

You are the turntable twisters
Spinning needles into grooves,
Weaving dancers like threads
Into a single tapestry of motion

You are fireworks
Screaming across the night sky
Towards inevitable destruction
In one remarkable flash

You are the ones who live
For the rest of us
As we spend Friday nights alone,
Afraid of what would happen

If we light our own fuse
And forget to count the seconds
In the dwindling moments before
Our one final, brilliant burst.
Last edited by sre9981 at Dec 5, 2008,
#2
Beautiful. Good job
Quote by soccermom
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BASS, MT, AND PIT JUNKIE


#4
I really like the urban imaging you put in this poem amidst the more elegant words. I don't much connect to the last two verses though, but thats just me. This reminds me of a poem I saw about graffiti. I really love the whole city-art style
#8
Great.

Love the choice of the word "shading" here:
Shading the line
Between vandalism and art

I don't know if you picked that especially, or accidentally. Either way, love that.
#9
this was extremely pleasant.
i thought this line:
Those who live, I salute you
was gay/cliche/overused.
other than that, very good job.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Quote by ottoavist
this was extremely pleasant.
i thought this line:

Those who live, I salute you

was gay/cliche/overused.
other than that, very good job.

This is pretty much what I feel. The first line should go. Other than that it was a very pleasant poem, and I also loved the use of "shading" in that line. It made me smile when I read it. Clever clever. lol

Care to check mine out?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1009451
#11
Grats man.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
"Barroom" was meant to be "bar room" I assume? Barroom sounds more like the noise a muscle car makes.

My favorite stanza was about the fireworks and their journey towards inevitable destruction. I also liked how you tied this image with the last stanza.
#15
yeah congrats. I agree the first line is kinda cheesy but the rest of it was so tasty i forgot about the tarty start, so great job man!
#16
congrats.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.