#1
i fucking hate the holidays.


the writing's never been on the walls,
its on the hearts that you've scarred.
a truth that never bleeds, only falls apart.
we've been over this a million times before:
you are the artist,
and i'm just the whore.

check the clock, kiddies, its time to break down.

let's pretend for a minute that i don't have the voice
that makes your breath catch in your throat,
makes you weep, makes you choke.
will my phone still ring
when i can't give you anything?
i don't imagine so.

tell me why, then, do i try so hard
to make good on a love
that's not patient or kind?
and you won't even cry for me
when i'm dying for you.

i guess that's the nature of unrequited.


p.s. this is actually a song. i feel like the ending is really abrupt. also, i hate rhyming. weird day...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#2
I'd recommend learning grammar. Sorry, but it truly improves your songwriting.

Pseudo-insulting aside, I liked this. I'd just recommend ridding the word 'kiddies' from the poem, as I feel it interrupts the mature feeling of the poem, and lengthening the stanza so it makes a bit more sense and doesn't seem so out of context. And the 'nature of unrequited' doesn't make much sense unless you put 'being' after 'of'.
#3
I am digging it man, what genre is it in?
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#4
its acoustic with a bit of a souly feel to it. I may write a piano part for it if I find the timeqmotivation.

and the last line isn't really meant to make sense. I get bored with logic sometimes
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#5
In the song and your subsequent post, you really need to learn how to use apostrophes kiddo :P

You should like the rhyme. It figures in nicely.This has some honest, rewarding one liners to it (will my phone still ring...)

I liked the last line, even though it's nothing too amazing.

Nice post, Ray.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
In the song and your subsequent post, you really need to learn how to use apostrophes kiddo :P


don't stick that tongue out at me unless you intend to use it...

that was an actual line from a one act play i was in. it was said to my character's female (and platonic) best friend. it took me soooo long to be able to say that without giggling. no wait! it was finger, not tongue. either way, my dirty mind really tested my acting abilities in that play.

i've never really gotten the hang of the whole its/it's thing. and also, i'm quite the lazy little girl. apostrophes take time and energy. i usually don't have either.

thanks for the comments
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?