#1
One of my newer songs.
I appreciate all crits, and will return them.


The smell of oil and grinding gears
A stattered portrait in the mirror
They make the sun of the broken glass
Hoping that this won't be thier last

Now the rescue's been called off
Now is the time to feel distraught
Emptiness is all you wanted
And now it's all you've got

And I know
I'm tired of being on my own
But now I know
I'm not the only one i'm not alone.
I'm not alone

Breathe, Hush, Please
Don't make a sound
This time my karma
Is coming around
And when it does
It will get you too
Because we're both
So far past due

And there's no rescue for my heart
Now is my time to feel distraught
Emptiness is all I avoided
And it's still all I got

And I know
I'm tired of being on my own
But now I know
I'm not the only one i'm not alone.
I'm not alone

I've got a nice long needle
And some nice strong thread
It's time to sew myself
Back together again

I've got a nice long needle
And some nice strong thread
It's time to sew myself
Back together again

I'm not alone.


Thanks for reading
//misterchainsaw//
#2
I was glancing over some of your other works and I have to say you are a really good writer. The flow and rhythm here was really solid. I also really liked the "Breath, Hush, Please" stanza and the last two stanzas about sewing. Great imagery right there. However, in the second stanza, the "Now is the time to feel distraught line" just didn't sound right. Also in the second stanza I would drop the "I'm not the only one" . That phrase just throws off the flow. Anyways, nice job, man.

Crit mine please
Garden of Poinsettias
#5
now.. i really like reading this one.. it put me back in to a place from my memories.. whether it's the same place you wrote it from or not.. I'll never need to know... there's nothing i can say about this poem/song that hasn't already been said.. well done.. keep it up and thanks for writing
#6
I liked it. I haven't seen any of your other pieces though. Care to place them in your sig? Hope they were as good as this, and it actually makes sense (:
#9
I really liked the "Emptiness is all you wanted, and now its all you've got" line. Overall a good piece IMO. Though I say that in the opinion that lyrics are only half the battle.
#11
The smell of oil and grinding gears
A stattered portrait in the mirror
They make the sun of the broken glass
Hoping that this won't be their last


i'm a sucker for first stanzas just because they have so much potential to set you in the right mood, but this was great.

overall, strong piece that would definitely work well as a song.

thanks for critting mine.
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#12
Excellent piece.

Remindes me of my belief in striving for powerful wording that means more than the literal meaning.

So many lines I can pull out that would be examples of fine writing, but I love the chorus.

And I think theline "I'm not the only one I'm not alone".
I think it's a huge part of this piece and it's tone.

^ At least that's what I think.
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM