#1
c4c thanks

I Knew you were pure,
smart, kind, and unique;
I knew who you'd be
and knew you loved me,
almost before, you could read.
So I waited and waited as
stars looped round and round.
Till broken hearted you came
holding a face of innocence
as if dead was change.
Yes I knew it all well
neck deep in the swell.
Still I knew the true you
and one day, you'd see my view.
One day did happen, to me-
and I had a new thought.
Do I love you for who you are?
or for who you could be?
Last edited by mindtrek at Nov 28, 2008,
#3
Typo, L6.
It was good, but you didn't use much in the way of literary devices, such as metaphors, smilies and suchlike, so it felt boring, and undeveloped.
#4
I thought this was undeveloped wizardry; Merlin in his younger days, the Harry Potter attempting and striving for perfection, knowning full well he can reach it with persaverance and attention.

- "Till broken hearted you came
holding a face of innocence
as if dead was change." - This was pure fantastical genius. The way you managed to rearrange a standard sentence into something unique, poetic and beautiful is so grateful and interesting.

This is one of those rare, gorgeous pieces, from anywhere, not just here, that really gives you the tingles, and forces giddiness upon you like a sharp, but subtle rapist and a slightly willing victim. It isn't rape if they like it. That's what this feels like: quietly dangerous and desperate to escape. The reader is left with wanting more, which is a truly unique addition to this glorious and wonderful piece.
Quite easily one of my favourites from UG and, although I haven't been following you that well, I remembered your name and abilities - which is why I searched the thread - and this is, to my memory, the best thing you have wrote and posted here.

- "I Knew you were pure,
smart, kind, and unique;
I knew who you'd be
and knew you loved me,
almost before, you could read." - This introduction - particularly the third line - really involved me and helped me feel at home and reminded me strongly of something innocent and childish.

- "One day did happen to me-
and I had a new thought.
Do I love you for who you are?
or for who you could be?" - Just tear jerking simplicity.

This piece has exactly what so writers here, and anywhere are missing.

Digitally Clean
#5
Quote by Slappy182
I like the last 2 lines


QFT.

such simple questions, but with such a deep meaning behind them. good stuff!
#8
yes grammar errors are inevitable in my pieces. Mostly because I dont understand why or how commas and such are used appropiatley.

Thanks Goldfish for your comment, glad you enjoyed it.

and to all please feel free to tell me why that is good or why this is bad. Also dont hold back you can be harsh I will take any criticsm constructively. Unlike most I realize this is in fact only the internet.