#1
just kinda writing, ties in with my other I guess. c4c thanks


You were balancing a sword
and juggling chainsaws
when I asked
"What for!?
Please no more!"
You swore it to be okay,
you had dulled the blades.
"You're still stupid anyway!"
"**** you jerk, look away!"
My mind rattled and irked
high flight, I did search.
"Your right , you are mindful"
I thought-
future moments not important
with a handful of childs drama
and a glassful in the other.
Here I thought I was to be sober
to witness such an eye opener.
True we've all been under weather
but you built bomb proof shelter.
I lived life puddle to puddle though
had a chance for less of a struggle
I chose only to burn my own lumber.
Don't want my pieces numbered,
won't cheat my own life's puzzle.
How to be proud, end of the maze
when led by the hand, all of the way?
Still I wont charge around corners,
without thoughts, of what could garner.
I've sacrificed and endured it all
to keep you from feeling small
and still my back is pressed
against your house's outer walls.
Last edited by mindtrek at Nov 28, 2008,
#3
Where have you been all my life?! Maybe I'm mistaking you, I don't remember enjoying your work so exhaustingly prior to this.

Now there are TWO people who I feel deserve the WoTW award. Shit

In a way of helpful advice, your accuracy in wording and punctuation is all very odd, but it funnily enough, adds to the atmosphere. It makes me feel at home and okay, almost contented in my own inadequacies and shortcomings. Your work relives out so many memories and deep thoughts, and it does so with childish glee, along with subtle doses of sadness and tenderness, reminiscient of adulthood.
Maybe a few corrections could be made to one or two line breaks you have choosen, and spelling mistakes could be altered in places - still allowing the reader to become involved in your obscure technique while still letting him/her not become too caught up in the 'mistakes'. But, in general, I don't believe much should be changed.
It did take a little longer to become aware of it's full meaning - if I have even done so - than your other piece, but I'm glad it's not the exact same, just retold with a different story - it shows you have aptitude in creating a mulitude of emotions and utilizing various methods for your approach.
I did eventually see a newer side to it the more I devled, and that's where this piece shines, really. Each sentence was finely choosen and they each serve a purpose, both as a whole, and individually.

Digitally Clean
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Where have you been all my life?! Maybe I'm mistaking you, I don't remember enjoying your work so exhaustingly prior to this.

Now there are TWO people who I feel deserve the WoTW award. Shit

In a way of helpful advice, your accuracy in wording and punctuation is all very odd, but it funnily enough, adds to the atmosphere. It makes me feel at home and okay, almost contented in my own inadequacies and shortcomings. Your work relives out so many memories and deep thoughts, and it does so with childish glee, along with subtle doses of sadness and tenderness, reminiscient of adulthood.
Maybe a few corrections could be made to one or two line breaks you have choosen, and spelling mistakes could be altered in places - still allowing the reader to become involved in your obscure technique while still letting him/her not become too caught up in the 'mistakes'. But, in general, I don't believe much should be changed.
It did take a little longer to become aware of it's full meaning - if I have even done so - than your other piece, but I'm glad it's not the exact same, just retold with a different story - it shows you have aptitude in creating a mulitude of emotions and utilizing various methods for your approach.
I did eventually see a newer side to it the more I devled, and that's where this piece shines, really. Each sentence was finely choosen and they each serve a purpose, both as a whole, and individually.

Digitally Clean



Again I appreciate your thoughts on my work its actually motivational. But dont hesitate with more rash opinions on what I am lacking. afterall I am here only to progress as a writer.


Thanks again to all for all
#5
Quote by mindtrek

"**** you jerk, look away!"


You could use screw, or forget somthing like that in place of the stars


Quote by mindtrek
I lived life puddle to puddle though
had a chance for less of a struggle


The puddle to puddle part doesn't make sense to me, just not really the right analogy for this poem/song.
Last edited by Slayer0106 at Nov 28, 2008,