#1
A Bitter Announcement.

"This, this is a different plateau,"
says the man on the corner of 18th and 7th.
Not in so many words, of course.
He expresses himself through writing and live poetry, but of a different nature
than we as a society are normally used to.
Ancient, primitive, stylistic fashions dress his message and disguise his temple,
to a point of severity that only the foremost artistic minds can interpret his
existence.
Open hearts ascertain a sense of pity from his misinterpreted woes, and giving
hearts sometimes put an offering in his hand.
Closed minded individuals, offer him curses and spit in his face.

The sign he holds, his S.O.S., says:
"I have a family, pleez donait yer spair change fer food."

But you never see his family, though.
Only he, filthy as the ground we walk upon, untrimmed and dethroned from
his manhood.

You see, I'm sure he doesn't want your money.
I'm sure he doesn't want you to see his desperate eyes, or his cold hands,
cracked open, bleeding and shaking as he holds the sign. Nor his stench
or hunger or untreated illnesses or forgotten childhood.

What we need to realize is that somewhere along the line, this man lost something;
something very dear to him. It may have been stolen, destroyed,
or given away by accident or mistake.
Whatever it was; money, pity, and spit will not help him. He just needs to be
normal, like you and me.
He needs to fix that sign to say:
"I'm in desperate need of normality. Can anyone help me?"

Then again, if someone sees a sign like that, they might have him hauled off to the
looney bin.

I suppose we could just, sneak up from behind and blow his brains out.
It'd be so much more humane.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3

But you never see his family, though.

I think the but here was too much. Double negative not needed.

Whatever it was; money, pity, and spit will not help him

Here, the semi-colon makes it look, to me at least, like you're listing the things it could be. Maybe having a linebreak before money would stop this. Once you've read it it works, but it jolted me.

They were the only two technical things that were mildly off to me, and only technical things were even mildly off. I'll be reading this again a good few times.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Really, really love this, the idea of it, how it developed.

"...hauled off to the looney bin." could have been said a lot better IMO (Also, it's loony not looney).

"...we could just, sneak up from behind and blow..."
should be
"...we could just sneak up from behind, and blow..."
#5
Quote by ginjaninja
Really, really love this, the idea of it, how it developed.

"...hauled off to the looney bin." could have been said a lot better IMO (Also, it's loony not looney).


Colloquial difference.

"...we could just, sneak up from behind and blow..."
should be
"...we could just sneak up from behind, and blow..."

It worked perfectly how I read it. The pause was needed and I think cleverly added effect where it was.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
I think the complicated wording is very elegant and destracts you from the point of the poem really well. Its a totally contrast to the image of someone on the floor, maybe untrained and it adds detail to this.

I shall come back and say more if I can.
#10
I really like this poem for the reason that its concentrated on the value of its message instead of the complexity of its wording.

The sign he holds, his S.O.S., says:
"I have a family, pleez donait yer spair change fer food."

a beautiful return to reality. Really helps the application of your poem instead of its theorization.

heres mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17353936#post17353936
#11
this was the most intense piece i've ever read on here, and it was crafted masterfully. I have to agree with Katherine about the "but you never see his family" line. I think it would work better without the "but". Apart from that, sheer brilliance.
#13
I've noticed that this is very different from normal formulaic method - I don't mean that in a derogative manner.

I'm really starting to become attracted to this. It's gone away from your obvious cynicism and sarcastic wit and it's arrived in a very desperate and sad place. And it's not just because of the topic that it's destined itself to that position, it's also because of the long, spaced out sentences, elongated terminology, and clarity. Something you normally wouldn't aim for - a lovely change from you.

Being honest, the last few weeks, I haven't really enjoyed your stuff very much, but this really ignited my love for you and your writing all over again.
I'm not suggesting anything by what I have just said, I'm stating my opinions. Keep it up, guv.

Digitally Clean
#15
"He expresses himself through writing and live poetry, but of a different nature
than we as a society are normally used to."

I'd ditch 'normally' here.


"Closed minded individuals"

this is ok but if you agree, "closed hearts" would be a more consistent and parallel term.


"Only he, filthy as the ground"

I think it should be him. You see him. You never see 'he'. I could be wrong though.


"given away by accident or mistake"

I think mistake is a bit redundant. Maybe if you said 'by accident- a mistake." or ", a mistake" it would work but It's not very bothersome as it is to be honest.


"was; money" should there be a semicolon here? or just a comma? I don't know but it doesn't look right and I can't think of a 'rule' that would justify it besides controlling the pace. I'll leave that to you to think about though.


good ending.


I feel like I've seen this idea before, but you do it quite well here. It kind of builds in emotion until the drop off at the end. I got a decently clear idea of what this guy was all about but you kind of leave the image of him and his surroundings up in the air. I know that's not the point and maybe it's better that way, but I figured I'd point that out in case you hadn't thought about it. Maybe it could add something to throw in some more subtle descriptions than you already have. This was a very solid piece. And it's a very moving one.

Loved it

no problem if you don't feel like it but if you get bored the word 'floor' in me sig would be cool.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#16
damn.
amazing
I would agree with what DigUpHerBones said though:

Whatever it was; money, pity, and spit will not help him

Here, the semi-colon makes it look, to me at least, like you're listing the things it could be. Maybe having a linebreak before money would stop this. Once you've read it it works, but it jolted me.


Apart from that, perfect

C4C? 'Berlin'
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 2, 2008,
#18
I don't see why the line breaks are necessary in this piece. I would almost rather read it as prose. However, this piece took a topic I have wrestled with a lot in my work and portrayed it very well and in a very straightforward manner. Good work here.

Hope you're well Kent.