#1
I haven't been here in a long time... Dang.
Anyway, whenever I write (those times are few and far between now, sadly) I write in my notebook rather than on the computer, so I've decided to just go through and see what you all think of my writing's de-evolution. Rip it to shreds. lol


First In A Series

Eyes are shut,
and there's an eerie air.
It closes around my body
and squeezes comfort out of me.

Afraid to open my eyes,
I feel [so much].
The satin sheet she wore
lazily left to slither through

My mind digresses to
the night that preceded
this darkness.
A writhing tangle of
sweat blood screams sighs
of pleasure too great to

Silence, and I open my
Eyes, searching for my
Beautiful.

A sigh of careless wishing
and my lips close around the
conductor's whistle for the
Pineapple Express that I'll ride
through this purple haze that now
Clouds
my vision.
#2
Nice, I liked this. The vague nature of it leaves the reader to put the pieces together, and you construct a nice flow in this.
I didn't think much of the Pineapple Express allusion but it's your piece of course. The use of capitals at points threw me a little as it wasn't uniform throughout, and the end of the second stanza could use a full stop (or 'period' for the Americans).
Apart from that a good job, I hope to see some other poems from you =)
#3
Amazing! Although I can't figure out what style of poetry that is... but then again I don't write myself so I probably wouldn't know anyways. Nice piece,

"sweat blood screams sighs
of pleasure too great to

Silence, and I open my
Eyes, searching for my
Beautiful."

that is my favorite part, mainly because of the rythm in it.
#4
Quote by Garb

First In A Series

I assume there will be more about this subject, but maybe a better, more descriptive title is in order?


Eyes are shut,
and there's an eerie air.
It closes around my body
and squeezes comfort out of me.

The idea of an oppressive, squeezing air is a little cliche. I don't think eerie is the word you're looking for either, it conveys a solid feeling, but its a different feeling from the rest of the poem.


Afraid to open my eyes,
I feel [so much].
The satin sheet she wore
lazily left to slither through

I think the "[so much]" is unnecessary in the context of the whole stanza. The fact you can fill an entire poem with what the narrator is feeling is evidence enough for how much they are feeling. Throwing in the word "slither" instantly brings to mind the image of a snake here, and I was left waiting for it to come out at some point during the rest of the poem. Maybe describe what the satin sheet feels like instead of merely saying its there?


My mind digresses to
the night that preceded
this darkness.
A writhing tangle of
sweat blood screams sighs
of pleasure too great to

"this darkness" is cliche. I also think digresses might be replaced with a better word. "Digressing" specifically relates to drifting from one subject to another, unrelated one, which is not the case here. Again, snake imagery comes up briefly for me again with "writhing tangle" but I might be reading too far into this. Even then, it is a little cliche.


Silence, and I open my
Eyes, searching for my
Beautiful.

It seems odd to me that the narrator opens his eyes to search for his "beautiful" even though its pretty clear they knows they're not there.


A sigh of careless wishing
and my lips close around the
conductor's whistle for the
Pineapple Express that I'll ride
through this purple haze that now
Clouds
my vision.

I don't really like this... There are better ways to express what is happening here than outright telling the reader what you're doing...

Overall, its a good start, but I feel you can make it much stronger if you work maybe with some solid imagery and metaphor to show the reader how the narrator feels instead of telling them.
#6
SPOILER ALERT!!!!! DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU WANT YOUR MIND TO INTERPRET IT FREELY


Quote by Le_Bunny
Nice, I liked this. The vague nature of it leaves the reader to put the pieces together, and you construct a nice flow in this.
I didn't think much of the Pineapple Express allusion but it's your piece of course. The use of capitals at points threw me a little as it wasn't uniform throughout, and the end of the second stanza could use a full stop (or 'period' for the Americans).
Apart from that a good job, I hope to see some other poems from you =)

It wasn't an allusion to the movie. I haven't even seen it. But it was just coming out when I wrote this, and it's a type of pot, which fits into the stanza. And Express is what they call(ed) trains, hence conductor, etc. And the second stanza is connected to the third... "... slither through my mind..." Thanks for the kind words. :]

Quote by sre9981
I assume there will be more about this subject, but maybe a better, more descriptive title is in order?
It's not necessarily talking about the poem as a generality.. But more the occurrence in it. Well, not more... It's completely the occurrence.
Quote by sre9981
The idea of an oppressive, squeezing air is a little cliche. I don't think eerie is the word you're looking for either, it conveys a solid feeling, but its a different feeling from the rest of the poem.
It's connected to the last stanza.. I can't stand being in smokey air. It's hard to breathe in and when I did smoke I coughed forever. And the eerie being a solid feeling not belonging, perfect. :]
Quote by sre9981
I think the "[so much]" is unnecessary in the context of the whole stanza. The fact you can fill an entire poem with what the narrator is feeling is evidence enough for how much they are feeling. Throwing in the word "slither" instantly brings to mind the image of a snake here, and I was left waiting for it to come out at some point during the rest of the poem. Maybe describe what the satin sheet feels like instead of merely saying its there?
The [so much] is to create a double meaning. "I feel so much." "I feel the satin sheet.." I like to confuse my readers sometimes. :p And the slither is just how I describe feeling satin sliding through my fingers. And all women are deceitful betrayers (so far), and that's what snakes are viewed as usually.
Quote by sre9981
"this darkness" is cliche. I also think digresses might be replaced with a better word. "Digressing" specifically relates to drifting from one subject to another, unrelated one, which is not the case here. Again, snake imagery comes up briefly for me again with "writhing tangle" but I might be reading too far into this. Even then, it is a little cliche.
Indeed, it is cliche. But it came out when I was writing. And it's in pen. lol :p And I was viewing the happiness of the two lovers making love as a completely different feeling than the one that the narrator is feeling when he doesn't feel the girl he thought loved him with him (not just physically mind you). :p
Quote by sre9981
It seems odd to me that the narrator opens his eyes to search for his "beautiful" even though its pretty clear they knows they're not there.
Useless wishing. The hope that she'll just be there waiting for him to wake up. Begging fate to not let her be gone. etc. :]
Quote by sre9981
Overall, its a good start, but I feel you can make it much stronger if you work maybe with some solid imagery and metaphor to show the reader how the narrator feels instead of telling them.

Hope I helped clear some of it up. :]
#8
Quote by Slayer0106
Hey Garb thanxs for the warning.

Lol. I thought it might be necessary. :p