#1
C4C
Not used to writing like this, so I need someone to hold my hand, teach me, bitch about my line breaks, correct my grammar, so if someone could just quote it and correct it, I will send you a biscuit in the post (UK only).

Please, somebody, rip it to pieces.


Clouds were forming like heaps of smoke
concealing the sun, a heavenly game of hide and seek
I couldn't help thinking, that if this was a movie
this would be the depressing scene,
the one where a character finally understands
a deep internal truth, or is shown that all they had
is gone.

Sure enough, as I turned through the gate
the rain poured down, quickly changing the well trodden path
that I've walked all my life, into a puddle of mud
but dirty shoes were the least of my worries
as at the edge of the field, where the playground should be
was now fenced off, and hiding behind it
destruction.

Next to the piles of overturned earth, lay
my favourite climbing frame, tipped on its side
and twisted out of shape, the swings wrenched apart
and benches upturned.
I wonder how the workers feel
tearing down my beautiful, tangible memories
and if they could have done it
more humanely.

I ran over and touched the cheap, sharp edged fence
hoping that this was a film
but a big yellow digger can never really lie
it will never know subtlety.
With a mixture of tears and rain in my eyes
I get out my permanent marker
and on a small slab of concrete, from the ground
beneath where my gran would have sat

I wrote a haiku
of childhood and innocence
to make someone's day

And after the seventeen syllables
which have been governing my life
I went and corrected the grammar
on all seventeen 'no entry' signs
not caring about the coincidences
anymore.


I wonder if this is it,
the end of the memories of my youth
innocent games of shooting
fake guns, and getting high
on the swings, always watched
by the benevolent eye
of my now deceased grandmother
who I fear will now disappear
from this visual life,
which has no time for memories
unless we can really feel them.

I wonder if this is it,
the final straw on the camels back
the final push over the cliff of sanity
into my oasis of delusional philosophy
and acceptance of who I am,
proof that I am somebody.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 4, 2008,
#3
I really liked this, especially the haiku and the stanza that followed, I think they sum up the poem perfectly.

Thanks for crit'ing mine
#4
This was a great read, nice job. It flowed well just enough description, the grammar seemed fine. Keep it up.
#5
This is awesome, you should be proud about writing some like this
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



Quote by DisarmGoliath
You can be the deputy llamma of the recordings forum!
#6
Somebody please rip this apart.
I need to be told I'm rubbish, else I will never improve.


Quote by ISure,

And I couldn't find any spelling mistakes. I live in the UK, I so wanted a biscuit :P


I said grammar, not spelling (I have the firefox dictionary plugin haha) so no biscuit for you!
#7
Quote by ginjaninja
C4C
Not used to writing like this, so I need someone to hold my hand, teach me, bitch about my line breaks, correct my grammar, so if someone could just quote it and correct it, I will send you a biscuit in the post (UK only).

Please, somebody, rip it to pieces.


The clouds were forming, like heaps of smoke "heaps" is definitley not the right word here. Maybe "tufts" or "bags" or something like that. "Heaps" just doesn't work
hiding the sun behind them, a heavenly game of hide and seek
I couldn't help thinking, that if this was a movie
this would be the depressing scene,
the one where a character finally understands
a deep internal truth, or is shown that all they had, is gone.Maybe, instead of the comma before "is gone" use a line break

Sure enough, as I turned through the gate
the rain poured down, quickly changing the well trodden path
that I've walked all my life, into a puddle of mud "That I've walked all my life" is implied by "well trodden path". I think this line should just be "into a puddle of mud"
but dirty shoes were the least of my worries
as at the edge of the field, where the playground should be
was now fenced off, and hiding behind it, destruction. Get rid of "was" and try the line break thing again for "destruction"

Next to the piles of upturned earth, lay
my favourite climbing frame, tipped on its side
and twisted out of shape, the swings wrenched apart
and benches upturned, I wonder how the workers feel Line break instead of comma perhaps
tearing down my beautiful, tangible memories
and if they could have done it more humanely. not sure about this last line, a bit weak

I ran over and touched the cheap, sharp edged fence
with my fingers, hope that this was a film Get rid of "with my fingers" and "hope" should be "hoping"
but a big yellow digger can never really lie, no subtlety about it. I don't like "no subtelty about it", needs to be reworded
With a mixture of tears and rain in my eyes
I got out my permanent marker "get out" - watch your tenses
and on a small slab of concrete, from the ground
beneath where my Gran would have sat

I wrote a haiku
of childhood and innocence
to make someone's day

and after the seventeen syllables
which have been governing my life
I went and corrected the grammar
on all seventeen 'no entry' signs
not caring about the coincidences anymore
not caring about my paranoia This is a great stanza, only one i can't nit-pick so far

I wonder if this is it,
the end of the memories of my youth
innocent games of shooting
fake guns, and getting high
on the swings, always watched
by the benevolent eye
of my now deceased grandmother
this might just be the end of her
she wouldn't be happy about this. Wait, she's dead, these last two lines don't make sense

I wonder if this is it,
the final straw on the camel's back
the final push over the cliff of sanity
into my oasis of delusional philosophy
and acceptance of who I am,
and proof that i am somebody. get rid of the "and"s


Well, I nitpicked as much as i could for you, but overall, this is a very solid piece. Hope i helped you some
#9
Kdownes is a good criter. (New word) This is great. I had the same experience when I went home to visit and found they had "developed" the woods where all us kids hung out in high school. It does something to you when you see the physical place of memories turned into something else. I guess now they will all be places for other peoples memories.
#10
Being in college now, my childhood is something I think about a lot. They really were the glory days and I like that this poem isn't just some feelgood words about being a kid. I like the angle you took, the scene you set, and the childlike perception you assume. I especially like the unexplained acts of innocence...writing a haiku and "correcting" the grammar. quite touching.

heres mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17353936#post17353936
#11
Quote by ginjaninja
C4C
Not used to writing like this, so I need someone to hold my hand, teach me, bitch about my line breaks, correct my grammar, so if someone could just quote it and correct it, I will send you a biscuit in the post (UK only). here's youre first problem. I'd like to point out the lack of cookies for non-UKers.

Please, somebody, rip it to pieces.


The clouds were forming, like heaps of smoke
Kind of blunt. I like it better when you take out the comma. The word heaps is alright but i'd prefer something more creative and descriptive. I also thought the word 'the' at the beginning was unnecessary. Are these clouds identified as specific clouds? I think 'Clouds were forming like heaps of smoke' would be better.
hiding the sun behind them, a heavenly game of hide and seek
hiding - hide and seek was a repetition that i didn't like. I'd look for a different word so 'hide and seek' isn't a redundant idea. Something like concealing the sun, a heavenly game of hide and seek would work better.
I couldn't help thinking, that if this was a movie
this would be the depressing scene,
the one where a character finally understands
a deep internal truth, or is shown that all they had, is gone.
I don't like the comma before 'is gone'. I'd use a line break if i were trying to stop the reader here but i'd probably just get rid of the comma and leave it on that line. I think you could flesh out this idea a little more though. It's good but it doesn't give me much to grasp. Maybe give an example of a loss or describe subtly what the loss means to this character

Sure enough, as I turned through the gate
the rain poured down, quickly changing the well trodden path
that I've walked all my life, into a puddle of mud
but dirty shoes were the least of my worries
as at the edge of the field, where the playground should be
was now fenced off, and hiding behind it, destruction.
I really like this stanza but I think it be better if you reworded the last line. something like 'where the playground should be was fenced off, hiding destruction behind it.'

Next to the piles of upturned earth, lay
my favourite climbing frame, tipped on its side
and twisted out of shape, the swings wrenched apart
and benches upturned, I wonder how the workers feel
tearing down my beautiful, tangible memories
and if they could have done it more humanely.
Your stanza's keep getting better Only thing i'd think about changing is 'next to piles of upturned earth'. I think you could give this more depth. 'Next to piles of upturned earth that used to watch me blah blah blah' I don't know. Just something more meaningful than dirt in a pile, you know?


I ran over and touched the cheap, sharp edged fence
with my fingers, hope that this was a film
'hoping that this was a film'?
but a big yellow digger can never really lie, no subtlety about it.
With a mixture of tears and rain in my eyes
I got out my permanent marker
and on a small slab of concrete, from the ground
beneath where my Gran would have sat

I wrote a haiku
of childhood and innocence
to make someones day
Lovely lovely lovely

and after the seventeen syllables
which have been governing my life
I went and corrected the grammar
on all seventeen 'no entry' signs
not caring about the coincidences anymore
coincedences? or do you mean consequences?
not caring about my paranoia
This line is a little contradictory. I'd consider scrapping it or rewording it to avoid awkwardness.

I wonder if this is it,
the end of the memories of my youth
innocent games of shooting
fake guns, and getting high
on the swings, always watched
by the benevolent eye
of my now deceased grandmother
this might just be the end of her
she wouldn't be happy about this.
good. I'd think about rewording the last line to make it more powerful though. You have a good thing going here.

I wonder if this is it,
the final straw on the camels back
the final push over the cliff of sanity
into my oasis of delusional philosophy
and acceptance of who I am,
and proof that i am somebody.
impressive ending. I was hoping this would live up to where it was going and it did.



I really like this man. With some work on subtlety, this could be great. Your ideas are great but you could work on making it flow. Some of the other writers are pretty good examples of this.
I thoroughly enjoyed this and hope I helped some.


If you feel like it, a comment on https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1009818 would be nice.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#12
Love you guys, just a note, yes, the playground is gone, but no, my grandmother is not dead (which is why this focuses more on the park than her).

I'm onto critting back now.

Will edit, and I think then let it die.

Look forward to my next piece.
please?
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 30, 2008,