#1
Are you ready to go down the road with me,
While the suns shining down,
Upon the frowning town,
We can leave across the sea,
Or while the nights in full flow,
Smiling sweetly,
Saying no,
Holding on to the severed glow
Of our company,

Cos i can feel your pain,
Numb your senses,
And ease the blame,
Take you to a place where you feel whole again,

Cigarette ends glowing in the dusty twilight,
Shattered visions in the night,
Chase you out of sight,
of all that you want to be,
And you see there's blood on the streets,
they're filled with vagabonds and cheats,
laughing as you meet
your destiny,

Cos i can feel your pain,
Numb your senses,
And ease the blame,
Take you to a place where you feel whole again,

Your senses tell you you're falling from the road,
But your eyes are too blind,
To see what you seek to find,
Lost in a sea of self pity,
Sympathising with your mind
Clinging to shreds of your pride
Lusting for the life you
Used to lead,

Cos i have felt your pain,
Killed your senses,
Took all i could gain,
Left you in a place where you won't feel again,

c4c let me know what you think
#2
Not bad- quite effective in dealing with a pretty common theme in poems. Ok the rhymes: at some points good, at some points excessive.

My favourite lines are "Or while the nights in full flow, Smiling sweetly, Saying no" I loved the rhythm and you phrased that really well, it created an image that I'm sure you were trying to establish. If this is a song, perhaps you could (after the last chorus) take it down to a soft accom[animent and sing the first verse again, I think that would be pretty rad and end it nicely, but that's just my opinion.

First verse, "suns" and "moons" would be "sun's" and "moon's" as you're saying basically 'sun is' and 'moon is'. Make "i" a capital and you're done :P

Good work.
#3
Very nice, I am not much of a poetry person myself but that is something that I would like. The rythm flowed and didn't have a stop, and that was nice. I do ask how long have you been writing?
#4
Been writing lyrics for about a year, however i have done english literature to A level standard so i think that helped. Thanks for the feedback guys